Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Happy Marriage Fails to Dispel Sister in Law's Hate for Wife
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for more than a year. (We've been together for seven years.) It's a second marriage for both of us, and together we're raising four beautiful children.
When I married this man, I knew full well his sister bitterly disapproved of me but hoped she would get over it with time. Now that we've been happily married for a year, she's worse than ever.
I don't know what I ever did to cause my sister-in-law to hate me. She was like a mother figure to my husband when he was young, as she is 25 years older. She disliked my husband's first wife, too, but wasn't nearly as cruel to her. In fact, now that they're divorced, she's friendly with her.
It's gotten back to me that my sister-in-law has told hurtful lies about me and my children to family members and the community. She has also insulted me to my face at family gatherings. Now I get anxious to the point of feeling ill before attending a family function.
My mother-in-law sees how much pain her daughter causes me and becomes upset, as do my husband and children. Everyone thinks she is jealous of me. That's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned.
I am a respected mother and wife and have given this woman no reason to hurt me. Please, Abby, could you advise me on the best way to handle her? I have carried this heartache for too long. -- SCORNED SISTER-IN-LAW IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR SCORNED: I'm mystified that you and your family continue to attend gatherings that make you physically ill. Whoever hosts these family get-togethers and allows this verbal abuse to happen is partly to blame by not letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If she refuses to cooperate, it would be a relief to all concerned if this sister-in-law were excluded from family gatherings until she agrees to be civil and act like a lady.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader asked if it was appropriate to renew her wedding vows after only five years of marriage. You encouraged her to go for it. I agree.
Here's my story: After only one year of marriage, my husband and I encountered some serious problems and were on the verge of going our separate ways. However, we both knew if we put forth the effort, we could turn things around -- so I came up with a plan:
The night of our first wedding anniversary my husband and I went out to dinner. Afterward I blindfolded him in the car and drove to one of those little instant wedding chapels, so we could renew our vows. I had made arrangements with the chapel the day before.
We arrived early and waited outside the chapel because another wedding was still taking place inside. A group of young people were standing nearby, and they couldn't help but giggle when they saw my blindfolded husband. They probably thought this poor fella was being tricked into marrying me!
When it was our turn, we entered the chapel and I removed the blindfold. When my husband realized what I had planned, his eyes filled with tears.
The minister was exceptional and encouraged us to make a fresh start. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs (as couples do), but that night we vowed to hang on to that "special something" we always had. We truly are each other's best friend, Abby. We will celebrate our third anniversary next October. -- FULLY COMMITTED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR FULLY COMMITTED: It appears you have both taken your blinders off and are recommitted to your vows to each other. Sometimes it's helpful to go back to square one when trying to resolve a problem. May your union be a long and happy one.
COUSIN WHO HELD WIFE'S HAND NOW HOLDS HER EX-HUSBAND'S
DEAR ABBY: For years I was married to a very abusive man. I have a female cousin who stood by me through it all and helped me to finally free myself from him.
Since childhood this cousin and I have confided in each other about everything in our lives.
Now I find out she's dating my ex-husband! Abby, I feel betrayed. I also feel I can no longer confide in her. What should I do? -- CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, BEVERLY, MASS.
DEAR CONFUSED: Start praying for her. Because you've been in her shoes, you know firsthand what the future holds for her.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and some friends tell me I "need a life." Their comments hurt and upset me, Abby, because I am living the life I want.
I have lived with my healthy 87-year-old father since my mom died a few years ago. I run the household as well as manage our cabin resort by the lake. I am truly happy most of the time.
Do you have any suggestions on what I can say to my daughter and friends when they go on about this? -- LIFE IS GREAT ON LAKE SUPERIOR
DEAR LIFE IS GREAT: Thank them for their concern, then tell them you're happy with your life just as it is. This is the life you have chosen, and you find it fulfilling. And, "Since it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix," tell them they should please stop finding fault with your life and get on with theirs.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question about second weddings. At age 20 I was married briefly. It was a big mistake. My boyfriend and I had lived together during college in our small Midwest town, and we gave in to the pressure to tie the knot rather than continue "shacking up."
My wedding quickly became "my mother's wedding." She completely took over and ran the show. I wanted fresh flowers -- I got silk. I wanted ivory china -- I got white. I wanted a small, private wedding -- I was stuck with 562 people I barely knew. She even selected my Dior wedding gown and veil, and considering Mom was footing the entire bill, I felt obligated to yield. I later threw the dress away -- I hated it that much.
On top of all that, I didn't want to get married in the first place, and told my mother as much. By then, however, the invitations were out and I felt stuck. Please keep in mind I was only 20, Abby. That was nine years ago; I would never be steamrolled like that today!
Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. This is his first marriage. We are planning (and paying for) a small but formal event, and I want this wedding to be mine. If I don't get to plan it my way, the opportunity will have passed me by.
Above all, I want the experience of shopping for and choosing my dream bridal dress. I'd like to wear an ivory gown with no train and a simple, long veil that would drag as a kind of train. Certain people have told me I should not do this. What do you think, Abby? Is it OK for a second-time bride to wear a formal bridal gown? -- TWICE A BRIDE
DEAR BRIDE: Those who are advising you to be more low-key are going by the book. If you do not choose to go by the book -- and since you're paying for the wedding -- write your own chapter and do what makes you happy. True friends won't criticize.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
AMERICANS IN UNIFORM EARN NATION'S PRAISE AND RESPECT
DEAR ABBY: My belated thanks to you for encouraging your readers to send holiday messages to our troops. By letter, and more recently via the Internet, OperationDearAbby.net has put countless Americans directly in touch with the fine men and women who serve in uniform.
We at the Pentagon also want to thank the many thoughtful people who wrote to us after our building was struck by the hijacked plane on Sept. 11, 2001.
Americans across the U.S.A. as well as people from other countries around the world sent condolences, encouragement and support. They prayed for us, lit candles, sang for us and drew colorful pictures. We have received angels and flags, posters, banners, beautiful quilts -- even a can of lima beans from a schoolchild in Georgia -- not to mention thousands of cards, some as large as a wall.
Abby, please remind your readers what President Bush said about the war on terror: "Americans should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have seen." Our military is filled with the sons and daughters of America. They make us proud. -- DONALD H. RUMSFELD, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR MR. SECRETARY: Indeed they do. I am honored to pass along your important message and I urge my readers to continue to write and support our troops wherever they are. Regardless of one's political leanings, after Sept. 11, we are united in a war against terrorism.
DEAR ABBY: What is the meaning of Memorial Day?
That is a question I asked a group of children visiting our nation's capital a few years ago. Their reply: "It's the day the swimming pools open." That innocent response launched an effort to reclaim Memorial Day for the noble and patriotic purpose for which it was intended.
With the help of U.S. senator Chuck Hagel, the National Moment of Remembrance was established by an act of Congress. President Bush and the Congress strongly support this demonstration of national unity, which calls for all Americans to pause and reflect for one minute wherever they may be at 3 p.m. (local time) on Memorial Day, in remembrance of those who have died to preserve our freedom. Those who are driving can turn on their vehicle headlights, and we encourage the playing of "Taps" at public events and on radio and television stations.
Since our nation was founded, almost 2 million men and women have sacrificed their lives to defend and preserve this precious land of hopes and dreams. We are all connected as Americans and should all feel a kinship -- especially on Memorial Day. Their ultimate sacrifice continues to live in each constitutional right we enjoy.
On Memorial Day we hope your readers will please join together in solidarity with those whose grief is fresh and deep, to express their gratitude to the men and women who have died that we might live in freedom. In the words of author Herman Wouk, "The beginning of the end of war lies in remembrance." -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON THE NATIONAL MOMENT OF REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: Memorial Day is Monday. I, too, hope that this year my readers will become more proactive about observing the true meaning of this holiday. If we do, in that one moment we will no longer be hyphenated-Americans; we will truly be one nation.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)