For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Is Caught in Tug of War Between Daughter and Fiance
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman with two teen-age daughters at home. Recently I became engaged to a wonderful man. My fiance lives in another city and has a better-paying job than I do, so I plan to move after we marry.
The problem is my 14-year-old daughter, "Ryan." She refuses to even discuss the possibility of moving. I understand the transition may be hard for her, but she is a minor and I am the custodial parent.
Ryan has informed me that she has talked to her father about moving in with him so as not to leave her friends and school. Her father is an alcoholic and to this day refuses to get help. The reason we split up was that he was physically abusive to me.
Abby, I cannot in good conscience leave my daughter with him, so my only choice is to wait until Ryan finishes high school to be married. This is putting a huge strain on my relationship with my fiance, but I don't know what else to do.
Any advice, Abby? -- DESPERATE TO KEEP EVERYONE HAPPY
DEAR DESPERATE: You are the adult -- the custodial parent. The time to move is now, before your daughter becomes socially established in high school.
Ryan owes it to you to move with you and her sister and try it for a year. If, after that, she hasn't adjusted -- then it will be time to discuss other living arrangements.
DEAR ABBY: I recently moved to a small town in Texas, in order to marry a man, "Kenny," who has lived here all his life. This will be his second marriage and my first.
The problem? Everywhere I go -- the beauty shop, the market, church, get-togethers with Kenny's friends, you name it -- someone always brings up his ex-wife.
When Kenny and I announced our engagement, one of the girls at a church potluck complimented me on my ring. Then a guy piped up, "Well, Kenny ought to be good at picking rings out by now!" Abby, it ruined the entire moment. This happens all the time.
Will I forever live in the shadow of my fiance's first wife? What can I do to change it? Please don't reveal my name or city -- everyone in town would know it was me. -- IRRITATED IN A SMALL TOWN
DEAR IRRITATED: You don't have to live in the shadow of anyone unless you choose to. However, what you are experiencing is not unusual when you have a "recycled" fiance.
Accept the fact that, in an attempt at humor, people sometimes say thoughtless things. It may take time, but eventually the local folk will stop associating your husband-to-be with his former spouse.
In the meantime, keep your sense of humor and remember that Kenny is yours -- and you have the ring to prove it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband died one month after my daughter was married five years ago. After he died, I gave his expensive watch and gold ring to my son-in-law, "Cyrus." Unfortunately, my daughter and Cyrus are now splitting up. He has asked for a divorce and is moving to another state.
Abby, I would like my husband's jewelry back. However, I have always heard that once a gift is given you cannot ask for it to be returned. The jewelry has sentimental value, and I want it in our family. Under the circumstances, is it wrong to ask Cyrus to give it back to me? -- DOUBLY-SAD MOM
DEAR DOUBLY-SAD: By all means ask your son-in-law to return the items because of their sentimental value. However, you are right, once a gift is given it belongs to the receiver. Sweeten the pot by offering to replace the jewelry.
WOMAN SHEDS EXTRA POUNDS ON MAN'S WORDS OF PRAISE
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Stephanie in Delaware," regarding the compliment she received in high school, reminded me of a compliment that changed my life.
Last September, I was flying home from Pittsburgh. I am one of those "oversized" women who take up the entire airline seat. The plane had three seats on one side of the aisle. Two seats on the other. I had the window seat on the side with two seats.
A good-looking gentleman (if you consider a Cary Grant look-alike good-looking) sat down beside me. He greeted me with a "Good morning," and a great smile. As he buckled his seat belt, he said, "I always feel cramped in these seats. Would you mind if I raised the armrest between us?" I know he didn't feel cramped. He wanted to make sure I was more comfortable.
During our flight, he complimented me on my hairstyle and the "lovely dress" I was wearing. His remarks had a lasting effect on me, Abby. Since that flight, I have lost 23 pounds, thanks to a gentleman who didn't scowl at an overweight woman, but instead, made her feel attractive. -- SLIMMING FAST IN FLORIDA
DEAR SLIMMING FAST: It's not the first time an attractive man has provided the incentive for a woman to do the right thing. Or the wrong thing, for that matter.
DEAR ABBY: Should I tell my ex-husband that our sons (8 and 11) told me they hate his new wife and "can't wait for them to get divorced"?
Although the boys didn't tell me NOT to say anything, I don't want to break a confidence, or worse yet -- make things more awkward than they already are at their dad's house. The boys are with them every other weekend.
Their stepmother is very moody and seems to enjoy belittling children -- including her own teen-agers, who are now exhibiting behavior problems.
Abby, I love my sons and feel it would be in their best interest if their dad knew how they felt about their stepmom. Your advice would be appreciated. -- CONCERNED MOM IN CENTRAL CALIFORNIA
DEAR MOM: Instead of being the town crier, urge your sons to speak for themselves and tell their father why they feel as they do. If it's possible for your ex-husband to encourage his wife to build a better relationship with the boys, it would be a far more effective motivator than anything you could say.
DEAR ABBY: My buddy and I have an ongoing debate about whether it's necessary to tip a person who delivers furniture. Everybody knows that pizza delivery people get tips, but shouldn't other kinds of delivery people as well?
Furniture deliverers move heavy objects like couches, armoires and beds -- and they often assemble the items they deliver. Sometimes they're also willing to haul unwanted furniture and appliances off the premises.
What's your opinion, Abby? Is tipping necessary? -- TWO GUYS IN MINNESOTA
DEAR GUYS: Tipping isn't mandatory. However, if the delivery person has done a good job and nothing is damaged, and some items required assembly, I see no reason why a gratuity should not be offered.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lifeguard Needs Parents' Help Keeping Kids Safe in the Pool
DEAR ABBY: I am a lifeguard at a public swimming pool. Please inform parents that the presence of a lifeguard does not guarantee the safety of their children.
Young children don't have the maturity to understand the risks posed by water and often will not stay in the depth that is safe for them. Besides giving verbal warnings that can go unheeded, there is little a lifeguard in a tower 30 feet away can do to keep a child out of deep water. Also, drowning is silent. Victims can hardly breathe and therefore cannot scream for help.
One day last summer, my co-workers and I rescued five children. They were all under the age of 6, all unattended, and all were drowning within a few feet of other swimmers. No one but us realized anything was wrong. One of those kids was a 5-year-old girl whom I had repeatedly told to stay in the shallow pool.
Parents, PLEASE don't let the eyes of a lifeguard be all that stands between your child and death. We do our job well, but we're only human. Swim with your inexperienced younger kids, and stay within arm's reach at all times. -- CONCERNED LIFEGUARD IN THE ROCKIES
DEAR CONCERNED: Children should be taught to swim as early as possible. And they need to be taught the rules of water safety. Even then they should be supervised AT ALL TIMES at both public and private swimming pools. To do anything less is to invite a tragedy.
And while we're on the subject of near disasters in the water -- read on:
DEAR ABBY: While swimming at a New Jersey beach, my husband became caught in a riptide. He struggled to swim toward land, but the current pulled him farther and farther out to sea.
There were several adults nearby. He pleaded for help several times, but got no response. He was later told that they thought he was only kidding!
Luckily, a boy about 12 years old took him seriously. The boy swam toward my husband and extended a boogie board for him to grab. By then, my husband was completely exhausted and out of breath. With the boy's help, and later that of a lifeguard, my husband was brought safely back to shore.
Abby, please inform your readers that when a person pleads for help in ANY situation, the person should be taken seriously! It is far better to offer assistance or to seek additional help than to assume it's only a joke. My husband firmly believes that if that boy had not tried to help, he would not be here today. -- ELEANOR M. GLENSIDE, PA.
DEAR ELEANOR: Your husband is a lucky man. His experience proves that sometimes children are smarter than adults. The boy who came to his rescue is a true hero.
DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend very much and am planning to offer him a proposal of marriage. We have a child together, and I feel it's time for me to grab life by the horns and run with it.
Is there any rule of etiquette that says I have to buy him a gift -- and if so, what should it be? I'm clear on where our wedding should take place, the decorations, guest list, etc., but it's this last detail of gift-or-no-gift before I pop the question that I'm not sure about. -- HOPEFUL BRIDE-TO-BE, COLUMBIA, MO.
DEAR HOPEFUL: I think the child was gift enough. Give him nothing extra unless he says yes to your proposal.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)