To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Speaks Out to Dispel Myths About Hiv Infection
DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old HIV-positive man. Last week at my office, I was shocked when two of my co-workers declared that they could tell whether or not people are HIV-positive just by looking at them.
Abby, this is no laughing matter. Please inform your readers that someone can be HIV-positive and appear to be physically healthy. I shared my health status with my office mates, and by doing so, I hope I have changed some minds by shattering that myth. Sign me ... POSITIVE IN D.C.
DEAR POSITIVE: Not everyone would have been so generous or courageous, because there is still a lot of prejudice, ignorance and misunderstanding when it comes to HIV. There is more than one lesson to be learned from your letter.
(1) You CANNOT tell a person's HIV status by his or her appearance.
(2) It is imperative that couples not have unprotected sex unless both partners have been screened for HIV.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who is dating a senior boy in high school.
One night, we went to a party and then back to his place. His parents and sister were out of town, and he was really drunk.
As soon as we got to his house, he started drinking again. That led to a big fight. I was literally walking out the door when he grabbed me and told me if I ever leave him, he'll hunt me down and kill me!
Abby, ever since that night, I've been scared of him. Please tell me what to do. -- SCARED IN MAXTON, N.C.
DEAR SCARED: Tell your parents or guardian about the young man's threat. You are too young to deal with this yourself and to be dating a boy that much older than you.
He clearly has problems and not enough supervision -- and the same is true of you.
P.S. Under no circumstances should you be riding in a car with a driver who has been drinking. That, too, could cost you your life.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Barbara," and her family are avid karaoke fans. They've had a machine for 10 years, and every time we go to their home, no matter the occasion, they sing at the drop of a hat.
When relatives visit from out of town -- they sing. They sing at Christmas, birthday parties, wedding receptions -- and the volume is set so high that it's impossible to carry on a conversation. If you leave the room to talk, they'll turn on the intercom so the music is carried throughout the house. It's true they encourage others to join in -- but they never give up the microphone.
Barbara is not the kind of person who takes criticism well. Some members of the family tease her about singing so much, but she doesn't take the hint.
Please help me find a way to convince Barbara that we don't need to be "entertained" all the time. -- TONE DEAF IN INDIANA
DEAR TONE DEAF: That may be impossible. We both know you can't change them. They have show biz in their blood. Wear ear plugs if necessary and be grateful they don't have a cover charge and a two-drink minimum.
Disabled Relative Pleads for Attention From Family
DEAR ABBY: I am 48 and disabled. I have never had a birthday party, received a Christmas present, or attended a family wedding or funeral. Years ago, I overheard my brother tell someone he had only three brothers and sisters. I am the fourth. It hurts to this day.
Each year, "in the spirit of Christmas," my family picks me up to spend Christmas Day with them. However, no one talks to me -- not even to wish me a "Merry Christmas." My nephews and nieces hold up their children from across the room to stare at me. I feel like I'm in a zoo. When I write to them, my letters are returned.
I was told that some babies die at birth. For some reason I lived -- but this isn't living. How can I make my family realize that I exist? -- THE INVISIBLE CHILD
DEAR INVISIBLE CHILD: I'm sorry you don't have the loving, supportive family that you deserve. Rather than trying to "make" your family realize that you are a human being with needs not unlike their own -- look around you. You are probably already a member of a "family" -- those people with whom you live, work and worship and who care about you. More of your needs can be met by concentrating on your relationships with them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work in a state health care facility for the disabled. Some are unable to do much for themselves. Others have excellent personal and social skills. Many of them have no family contact.
Years ago, parents were encouraged to put children with developmental disabilities into an institution and forget about them. I understand why some parents may feel guilty, wondering if they are to blame for the child's condition. What I can't understand is how parents and family can turn their backs on a child. We all need someone to love and care for us.
Abby, please urge your readers to reach out to a family member who is in an institution or group setting. Yes, they are being fed, housed and clothed, but they also need contact with family and friends. If it's not possible to visit, send a letter or card and include a dollar bill -- especially on birthdays and holidays. Check on the visiting hours, talk with staff members to see what interests, activities or hobbies the resident may have. Ask if he or she would enjoy going out to lunch or to a shopping mall or G-rated movie. Please don't feel guilty if you haven't made contact. Now is the time to reach out before it's too late.
We work hard to keep our residents happy, but they need warm and loving relationships with their families, too. -- I CARE IN ORAN, MO.
DEAR I CARE: You are a compassionate caregiver, and you are absolutely right -- everyone needs to know he or she is loved every day of the year.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boy's Spying Eyes Force Skinny Dippers to Cover Up
DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I purchased our new home, we made sure the swimming pool was private and concealed from the houses on either side. We enjoy skinny-dipping and didn't want to offend our neighbors. We believed we'd made the right choice until the boy next door began climbing the fence to spy on us.
Unfortunately, his parents refuse to discipline him. They insist that we cover up. We have since found out the previous owners had the same problem, but failed to disclose this to us when we bought our home. We had made it clear to our Realtor that we wanted to be nude in our back yard -- and he assured us this was the "perfect" place for it.
Abby, we want to be able to enjoy our back yard -- either naked or fully clothed -- without being spied upon. The neighbors are threatening us with legal action because they think we are corrupting their son. Have you any advice? -- NO TAN LINE IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO TAN LINE: You are overdue for a talk with your attorney. In California, the law requires full disclosure about "problems" when property is bought and sold, and you may have a valid complaint against the former owners of the house.
Also, the neighbor boy who is preoccupied with your sunbathing to the extent that he's climbing the fence to spy on you appears to be a budding Peeping Tom. Rather than allowing him to get an eyeful, his parents should be giving him an earful about people's right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend at school I've been close to for about a year. I'll call her Amy. Recently, she has become cruel toward me -- making fun of my learning disability, hair, weight, etc.
My other friends and I sometimes joke around by teasing each other, but Amy takes things way too far. When she says hurtful things, there's a look in her eyes that says, "I want to damage you emotionally."
When I try to talk to Amy about it, she says, "Well, YOU started it," or "Why are you taking this so seriously -- you let the other girls tease you!" Abby, I want to keep Amy as a friend because when she's not being rude, she's pretty cool. Please help. -- TEEN GIRL IN TEXAS
DEAR TEEN GIRL: There is a difference between a teasing comment and one intended to wound. Teasing can be laughed off -- and is often a sign of intimacy or affection.
What Amy is doing is not witty, nor is it well-intended. Tell her that unless she knocks off the wisecracks, you'll avoid her. And if she doesn't stop -- follow through. You won't miss the pain.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letters you have printed about the "drunken geese." I may not know about drunken geese, but I know about drunken fish.
My Uncle John was a cook on a Mississippi River towboat, and one day he had planned to serve fried fish for lunch.
As the barges headed upstream on the Illinois River toward Peoria, the Hiram Walker distillery caught fire, and a great deal of whiskey suddenly flowed into the water around the boat.
Drunken fish flopped up onto the deck of the boat. The crew became so amused by their antics that when lunch rolled around, they refused to eat the fish that Uncle John had prepared! -- STONE SOBER
DEAR STONE SOBER: I can understand why. There's something redundant about frying fish that are already fried to the gills. Thanks for the fish story.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)