Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
TRAVELING WITH SPORTS TEAMS GIVES KIDS EXPANDED HORIZONS
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Kids' Friend in Oklahoma" cautioned parents about allowing their children to travel with junior sports teams. Obviously, he or she never had a child involved in travel sports.
My 12-year-old son has participated on a travel hockey team for the past six years, and our family has never regretted the decision to let him play. His team schedule involves traveling from one to three hours for nine games -- and staying "home" for the last one. In addition, there is occasionally an out-of-town tournament or two that requires overnight travel.
Abby, these travel games have given my family the very things that "Kids' Friend" suggested would be taken away. While traveling to and from the games, our family spends several hours in the car talking with each other (without interruptions from TVs and telephones), building relationships and memories. We shop for souvenirs or see the sights and have lunch together. We have traveled overnight to several different states -- even Canada. In addition, our children have expanded their friendships with youngsters from other schools, neighborhoods and churches.
Limits are important. In our household, each child is limited to two organized group activities a year, but cannot participate in the two during the same time period. In addition, grades must be maintained and religious education must be balanced with weekend activities. On overnight trips, we arrange with the schools ahead of time for our kids to be away and do their homework while traveling.
Allowing a child to participate in travel sports can be educational and rewarding -- not only for the child, but the entire family. It has nothing to do with having "the guts to say no," being "overeager" or "starry-eyed" -- and everything to do with being a responsible parent, setting limits, and teaching children how to budget their time and make the most of every opportunity. -- HOCKEY MOM IN JOHNSTOWN, PA.
DEAR HOCKEY MOM: Thanks for the other side of the issue. Obviously in your family no one has gone off the deep end and forgotten the importance of getting an education. In life, healthy balance is everything.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have friends who are being married in May. After sending out invitations in late February, they decided to inform each guest (either by phone or in person) that they would be charging $120 per person to attend.
We would like to go, but not if we're going to be charged admission in addition to a wedding gift.
Have you ever heard of such a thing, Abby? Is this tacky or what? -- NOT-FOR-PROFIT WEDDING GUEST IN CHICAGO
DEAR GUEST: Tacky? Very! At that price, their wedding will be the most expensive show in town. I wouldn't blame you if you had "an unavoidable change in plans." But let them know quickly so they can sell your seats to someone else.
MAN'S VERSION OF FRIENDSHIP IS A LONG WAY FROM LOVE
DEAR ABBY: I am 43 and deeply in love. For five years I have been dating a 57-year-old man I'll call Ray. When Ray enters a room, I honestly feel my heart skip a beat. Although we do not live together, we share many of the same interests and have lots of fun together.
My problem is that Ray has a mean streak. If I complain, he has a sarcastic answer or turns it around and blames me. For example, I was diagnosed with cancer last fall and needed emergency surgery. The day after my surgery, Ray left on a 10-day golf trip with his buddies. I felt alone and abandoned. When I told him how I felt, he said my illness couldn't have been that serious because I survived.
Ray likes to be around his friends and family but rarely includes me. When I suggest that I'd like to be a more important part of his life, he tells me I am too "clingy." In our five years together, I have spent several Christmases and most Valentine Days alone, and I sit around while he takes numerous vacations with other people. Ray tells me he loves me, but doesn't want to marry me. Dating is a comfortable arrangement for him.
He gave me a diamond "friendship ring" for my birthday. I am too embarrassed to wear it. My family, friends -- and I -- expected an engagement ring.
Do you think I am being jerked around? -- OUT-OF-SORTS IN OTTAWA
DEAR OUT-OF-SORTS: You bet I do -- but you have allowed it to happen. The diamond ring (are you sure it's genuine?) is a "payoff" so you won't notice that you really have neither a healthy relationship nor someone you can count on. Even if the stone is genuine, the man is a phony. As soon as you lose this loser, you'll start to feel better. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have a problem on our hands. Saturday night we invited a couple and their two kids over for dinner. The husband/father works with my fiance.
The kids (girls 11 and 15) were upstairs watching TV in our bedroom a good portion of the evening, while the adults were downstairs visiting.
Last night I was about to run to the market and asked my fiance for some cash. He told me to take some out of his wallet. I came back saying, "Since you have only $5, I'll cash a check while I'm out." He immediately replied that there should be at least $60 in there.
Apparently three 20s were removed from his wallet, which had been sitting on our dresser in the bedroom the night the kids were there. We also discovered a diamond ring and pair of earrings were missing from my jewelry box.
Since my fiance works closely with the father of those girls, we're not sure if and how we should approach him. We're afraid if one or both of the kids were brazen enough to take things, they won't be forthcoming about admitting it to their parents if we call them on it.
Please tell us what to do, Abby. We are very upset. -- RIPPED-OFF IN PLEASANTVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR RIPPED-OFF: The father of the girls should be told by your fiance about the missing items and money. It may not be pleasant, but it will be better for all concerned.
Explain that unless the items are returned, you will have to make a police report in order to be reimbursed for the jewelry by your insurance company. And if the items aren't forthcoming, that's exactly what you should do.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Road to Marital Bliss Has Taken Numerous Detours
DEAR ABBY: My mother is being married again this summer. This is her fifth marriage, and I fear she is doing it for all the wrong reasons.
It all started 30 years ago when, as a teen-ager, she married my father. She married him to get away from her family. My father abused her, she divorced him, then remarried him again. They stayed together 10 more miserable years before divorcing. Within three months she met and married another man. He was addicted to "the chase." Mother was his fifth wife. (He is currently on No. 8.) She divorced him and married husband No. 3, even though he was obviously drug-addicted. It eventually caused their divorce.
For the past few months, my mother has been looking for love on the Internet and through personal newspaper ads. Within two weeks, she found a man she claimed to love. They picked a wedding date. He was a drug addict and dealer who ended up taking everything from Mom's house. Fortunately, they did not marry.
Mom has recently met another man on the Internet -- a recovering alcoholic, active in meetings and social functions. Of all the men she has brought home, he is definitely the best prospect for marriage. She confided that she is not in love with him, but they have set a summer wedding date. She feels love will come later, and she "likes" him enough to marry him.
I should mention that Mother is a successful professional woman with a great job. She owns a beautiful home and is financially secure. However, she is very lonely, has no friends, rarely speaks to her 10 siblings -- and hardly ever visits me and my daughter, even though we live only 20 minutes away.
We have had a strained relationship for years. I feel that she abandons me whenever a new man enters the picture. I want what's best for her, but I don't believe she has the self-confidence or insight to pick a man who doesn't come with a lot of "baggage."
Can you think of anything I can say or do to make my mother reconsider this marriage and start getting some therapy? -- DAUGHTER OF A MARRYING MOM
DEAR DAUGHTER: I'm not sure there is anything you can do now to "save" your mother. Wait to see if marriage No. 5 "takes." If it doesn't work out, then will be the time your mother will be most receptive to getting professional help.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in Wilmington, N.C. The pastor who will perform the ceremony lives two hours away in Raleigh. He will have to arrive in Wilmington on Friday afternoon in order to supervise the rehearsal that night -- and stay in town overnight, as our wedding is the following afternoon.
Are we required to pay for a hotel room on Friday night for the pastor and his wife? If he stays Saturday night after the wedding, should we also pay for that?
We're also unsure if we should tip him in addition to the officiant fee. None of our friends or family has ever dealt with this dilemma, so we are hoping you can set us straight, Abby. We want to do the right thing. -- ALMOST NEWLYWEDS
DEAR ALMOST NEWLYWEDS: Since the pastor will be in town officiating at your wedding, the gracious thing would be to see that the hotel bill is taken care of. If he and his wife are staying on Saturday to attend your wedding reception, the room should be included. However, after compensating him for the ceremony, I see no reason to add a gratuity.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)