For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MAN'S VERSION OF FRIENDSHIP IS A LONG WAY FROM LOVE
DEAR ABBY: I am 43 and deeply in love. For five years I have been dating a 57-year-old man I'll call Ray. When Ray enters a room, I honestly feel my heart skip a beat. Although we do not live together, we share many of the same interests and have lots of fun together.
My problem is that Ray has a mean streak. If I complain, he has a sarcastic answer or turns it around and blames me. For example, I was diagnosed with cancer last fall and needed emergency surgery. The day after my surgery, Ray left on a 10-day golf trip with his buddies. I felt alone and abandoned. When I told him how I felt, he said my illness couldn't have been that serious because I survived.
Ray likes to be around his friends and family but rarely includes me. When I suggest that I'd like to be a more important part of his life, he tells me I am too "clingy." In our five years together, I have spent several Christmases and most Valentine Days alone, and I sit around while he takes numerous vacations with other people. Ray tells me he loves me, but doesn't want to marry me. Dating is a comfortable arrangement for him.
He gave me a diamond "friendship ring" for my birthday. I am too embarrassed to wear it. My family, friends -- and I -- expected an engagement ring.
Do you think I am being jerked around? -- OUT-OF-SORTS IN OTTAWA
DEAR OUT-OF-SORTS: You bet I do -- but you have allowed it to happen. The diamond ring (are you sure it's genuine?) is a "payoff" so you won't notice that you really have neither a healthy relationship nor someone you can count on. Even if the stone is genuine, the man is a phony. As soon as you lose this loser, you'll start to feel better. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have a problem on our hands. Saturday night we invited a couple and their two kids over for dinner. The husband/father works with my fiance.
The kids (girls 11 and 15) were upstairs watching TV in our bedroom a good portion of the evening, while the adults were downstairs visiting.
Last night I was about to run to the market and asked my fiance for some cash. He told me to take some out of his wallet. I came back saying, "Since you have only $5, I'll cash a check while I'm out." He immediately replied that there should be at least $60 in there.
Apparently three 20s were removed from his wallet, which had been sitting on our dresser in the bedroom the night the kids were there. We also discovered a diamond ring and pair of earrings were missing from my jewelry box.
Since my fiance works closely with the father of those girls, we're not sure if and how we should approach him. We're afraid if one or both of the kids were brazen enough to take things, they won't be forthcoming about admitting it to their parents if we call them on it.
Please tell us what to do, Abby. We are very upset. -- RIPPED-OFF IN PLEASANTVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR RIPPED-OFF: The father of the girls should be told by your fiance about the missing items and money. It may not be pleasant, but it will be better for all concerned.
Explain that unless the items are returned, you will have to make a police report in order to be reimbursed for the jewelry by your insurance company. And if the items aren't forthcoming, that's exactly what you should do.
Mom's Road to Marital Bliss Has Taken Numerous Detours
DEAR ABBY: My mother is being married again this summer. This is her fifth marriage, and I fear she is doing it for all the wrong reasons.
It all started 30 years ago when, as a teen-ager, she married my father. She married him to get away from her family. My father abused her, she divorced him, then remarried him again. They stayed together 10 more miserable years before divorcing. Within three months she met and married another man. He was addicted to "the chase." Mother was his fifth wife. (He is currently on No. 8.) She divorced him and married husband No. 3, even though he was obviously drug-addicted. It eventually caused their divorce.
For the past few months, my mother has been looking for love on the Internet and through personal newspaper ads. Within two weeks, she found a man she claimed to love. They picked a wedding date. He was a drug addict and dealer who ended up taking everything from Mom's house. Fortunately, they did not marry.
Mom has recently met another man on the Internet -- a recovering alcoholic, active in meetings and social functions. Of all the men she has brought home, he is definitely the best prospect for marriage. She confided that she is not in love with him, but they have set a summer wedding date. She feels love will come later, and she "likes" him enough to marry him.
I should mention that Mother is a successful professional woman with a great job. She owns a beautiful home and is financially secure. However, she is very lonely, has no friends, rarely speaks to her 10 siblings -- and hardly ever visits me and my daughter, even though we live only 20 minutes away.
We have had a strained relationship for years. I feel that she abandons me whenever a new man enters the picture. I want what's best for her, but I don't believe she has the self-confidence or insight to pick a man who doesn't come with a lot of "baggage."
Can you think of anything I can say or do to make my mother reconsider this marriage and start getting some therapy? -- DAUGHTER OF A MARRYING MOM
DEAR DAUGHTER: I'm not sure there is anything you can do now to "save" your mother. Wait to see if marriage No. 5 "takes." If it doesn't work out, then will be the time your mother will be most receptive to getting professional help.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in Wilmington, N.C. The pastor who will perform the ceremony lives two hours away in Raleigh. He will have to arrive in Wilmington on Friday afternoon in order to supervise the rehearsal that night -- and stay in town overnight, as our wedding is the following afternoon.
Are we required to pay for a hotel room on Friday night for the pastor and his wife? If he stays Saturday night after the wedding, should we also pay for that?
We're also unsure if we should tip him in addition to the officiant fee. None of our friends or family has ever dealt with this dilemma, so we are hoping you can set us straight, Abby. We want to do the right thing. -- ALMOST NEWLYWEDS
DEAR ALMOST NEWLYWEDS: Since the pastor will be in town officiating at your wedding, the gracious thing would be to see that the hotel bill is taken care of. If he and his wife are staying on Saturday to attend your wedding reception, the room should be included. However, after compensating him for the ceremony, I see no reason to add a gratuity.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MAN'S ALL-AMERICAN COVER IS TORN TO SHREDS BY DRUGS
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I led a picture-perfect life. I was a junior at a prestigious university, an All-American wrestler, in a wonderful relationship with my fiancee, "Libby," the father of a handsome 19-month-old son, driving a luxury car and living in a three-bedroom home. All of that came to an end. I was living two lives. One part of me was an honor student, loving boyfriend and father. The other was a violent drug dealer.
Libby had no clue about what I was doing. She thought I was a club promoter and that was why I was out most nights. Abby, I wasn't promoting clubs. I was selling boatloads of Ecstasy.
Last summer, I told Libby I had to go to Los Angeles to promote a club event. Another lie. I went to L.A. to pick up more Ecstasy. I never made it home. I was arrested, tried, and sentenced to four years in prison. When I told Libby the truth, she left me. She and my son moved 2,000 miles away to live with her family.
For the past year, I have written Libby, but she doesn't answer my letters. I understand she and my mother talk and write to each other frequently. My mother is desperately trying to get us back together, but I don't think there is any hope for us. My mother says there is always hope.
When I get out, I'll need to get my act together and finish my last year of college. I can't bear the thought of not marrying Libby and settling down with her and my son. I am sorry for what I have done, but she is hurt and unable to forgive me. Can you think of anything I can do or say to get Libby and my son back in my life? -- STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A VERY HARD PLACE
DEAR STUCK: Only this. After serving your sentence, finish your college education so you can eventually support your son. That way you can prove that you have learned your lesson and can be a strong role model. Only time will tell whether you and Libby have a future together. But hold a good thought.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom with a daughter who is a sophomore in high school. She has a male friend she likes "more than just a friend." However, he has a girlfriend and talks to my daughter only when his girlfriend isn't around. Also, he's a freshman in college.
I do not like this guy at all and have been so concerned about my daughter that I did some snooping in her room. What I found has me very upset! He wrote her a letter that sounds like it came straight out of an X-rated movie! I cannot begin to tell you how sick it made me.
I cannot confront my daughter unless I confess that I violated her privacy and read something I shouldn't have.
The only alternative is to say nothing and hope my daughter will see this person for who he really is. Please help because the situation is driving me crazy. -- WORRIED SICK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER
DEAR WORRIED SICK: Motherhood isn't a popularity contest. You and your daughter are overdue for a serious mother/daughter chat. Tell her that out of concern, you did some snooping and found the letter. Then be quiet and listen.
Your daughter needs to know that young men who respect girls do not send them X-rated letters. Since this fellow is officially going with someone else, for him to encourage your daughter under the circumstances shows a lack of character. Then inform your daughter that you want communication stopped with this male "friend." That's what mothers are for.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)