To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Biggest Challenge for Gifted Son Is Fitting in With Peers
DEAR ABBY: I have a 12-year-old son who is academically gifted. He understands, speaks and reads on a much higher level than the sixth-grade program he is in. Unfortunately, the schools in our area are limited in their ability to deal with gifted students.
One teacher told me that the gifted program my son is currently in is not challenging him, while another teacher has suggested he bring down his level of speech, reading, etc., to the level of the other students in his class so that he can fit in more easily.
My concern is that my son will become bored with school and quit, or get so depressed about not fitting in that he may get himself into trouble.
What can I do to foster his intelligence, Abby? Emotionally he is a 12-year-old, but his intellectual capacity is so far advanced, it's becoming difficult to strike the right balance.
All this boy wants is to communicate with kids his own age who have the same abilities and interests that he has. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- SOUTH CAROLINA MOM
DEAR MOM: Consider hiring a college student to tutor your son -- and perhaps mentor him. He needs contact with people on his intellectual level. He should feel comfortable with who he is -- and he is an academic high achiever who grasps concepts above his grade level. At the same time, encourage him to go out for team sports or join special-interest groups with kids his own age.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is in the military, requiring us to move every two to three years. We are blessed to have family and friends scattered all over the United States. After eight years of trying, we are finally expecting our first child.
Is it proper to send baby shower invitations to out-of-town family and friends even though I know they will be unable to attend? -- BURSTING WITH JOY IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR BURSTING: No. A better way would be to write your family and friends and share your good news now. Send a birth announcement after the baby arrives.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you're not sick of "grandmother stories," because I've got a sweet one.
My grandmother, May, was the "Big Hershey Bar Grandma." She did not approve of smoking, and my father did not approve of giving candy to us kids.
After dinner at Grandma's house, Dad would go outside to smoke and she'd go into her kitchen. Then she would call out, "Come on, kids!" She'd reach into her freezer to break off pieces of a big Hershey bar and give us each a piece.
Now, 45 years later, my husband and I keep assorted bite-size chocolates in a drawer of our entertainment center just below the Disney videos. Our grandson knows the little Hershey's are his, and the bite-size Snickers are my husband's.
I can no longer eat chocolate, and my beloved grandma -- the only one I knew -- passed on in 1971. But whenever I'm in a store and see those large Hershey bars, I smile, remembering the ones in the small freezer of Grandma's old-fashioned fridge. -- DONNA IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR DONNA: Although you cannot eat chocolate now, the memory is delicious. Thanks for sharing it.
Mom Who Flew Off Handle Deserved Plane Ticket Home
DEAR ABBY: I can't agree with your advice to "Poor Little Butterfly in Oklahoma," whose mother went on an eight-hour harangue after finding out her married daughter got a tattoo when she was 20.
I think the couple did the right thing to put Mom on a plane home. I do not agree with your advice to "mend fences" and take the "high road." This is 2002 -- not 1940. Tell the mother to get over it. There is nothing she can do about it now. -- TATTOOED MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TATTOOED MOM: That's true. I may have been smoking the peace pipe for too long. Many readers agreed with you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I feel strongly that MOM should apologize for making all of the fuss. An eight-hour attack from one's mother cannot be -- and should not be -- borne by an adult. Mom was out of line. "Poor" has a right to her life and beliefs. If her tattoo pleases her and her husband, that's good enough!
Abby, I, too, was a victim of attack by a relative -- my daughter. She was so adamantly against my getting a tattoo that I decided it wasn't worth the hassle. (I had always wanted an anklet of roses and leaves.) Then, several summers ago, my daughter had an accident. Her truck was totaled, but fortunately she walked away unharmed. She came home and said, "Mom, if you want that tattoo -- go get it. Life is too short. I'll even buy it for you." And she did! I got my tattoo at the ripe old age of 69 -- and have not regretted it. -- HAPPY WITH ROSES IN KINGMAN, ARIZ.
DEAR HAPPY: Thanks for the input.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Poor Little Butterfly" was wrong, wrong, wrong. This is an issue of the daughter preserving her self-esteem, not an argument over a tattoo. This butterfly had every right to ask her mother to take off! -- YOUNG MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR YOUNG MOM: I suspect you're right that the mother was reacting to more than the tattoo.
DEAR Abby: That couple did the right thing sending her mother home. They stuck up for each other in the face of adversity. That marriage is going to endure.
Unfortunately, mine will not. Ten years ago, on the morning of my first daughter's christening, my mother-in-law looked over her newspaper and proceeded to lecture me about how they do things in "their" family. She made the mistake of giving me this lecture while an overnight guest in our home (which, by the way, my wife and I bought with no help from her mother).
Abby, I sent her packing the next day. My mother-in-law proceeded to bad-mouth me to the rest of the family, trying her best to turn them against me. My wife never once took a stand against her mother. She let her mom criticize me to everyone without ever setting the record straight.
My wife made a decision that day about where her allegiance stood. The events of that day were the single greatest indictor of how the rest of our marriage was to go. -- GETTING DIVORCED 10 YEARS LATER
DEAR GETTING DIVORCED: How sad that a loving daughter was forced to choose between her husband and her mother -- and made the wrong choice.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GOOD STUDENT'S PIERCING PLEA FALLS ON DEAF PARENTAL EARS
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school and the middle child. I get good grades, do the laundry, and usually don't complain when my parents ask me to do something. Overall, I'm a pretty good kid.
I asked my parents if I could get my tongue pierced if I got all A's on my report card. They won't even consider it. My mom said she would never change her mind. Every time I talk about it, they change the subject and it's really annoying.
I just got my progress report back today and I got all A's. In English and math, I got 100. Most of my friends didn't get straight A's.
Don't you agree my parents are being unfair and unreasonable? My mom is scared of my being rebellious. My dad just thinks they look trashy. Abby, this is how I want to express myself. It is who I am, and I don't think my parents should prevent me. What should I do to convince them? -- DEPRESSED IN DECATUR, GA.
DEAR DEPRESSED: Tongue piercing may seem like a terrific way to "express yourself," but it can lead to chipped teeth and a speech impediment, not to mention a nasty infection if you're unlucky. While your parents may seem excessively controlling, they have your best interests at heart. (They probably think you already have enough holes in your head.)
Your intelligence is far above average. When you are 18 and out on your own, you can pierce to your heart's content if you wish. I'm sure you can find a less radical way to express your inner self if you put your mind to it.
DEAR ABBY: How can you make friends understand that they should wait for an invitation before coming to visit? They also need to stay in a motel when they do come. We have friends who invite themselves once a year to spend about five nights in our home.
I have a serious medical condition and have undergone several operations. I make subtle hints about being in pain and not needing company, yet they never seem to understand that I am talking about them. Even though they often take us out to dinner and pick up the tab, I am not up to having them stay with us.
I hate to lose their friendship, but I cannot take another one of their visits. If I tell them they cannot stay, they are going to be very offended. -- HURTING AND SOCIABLE IN FLORIDA
DEAR HURTING: The next time the visitors call to tell you they're coming, your husband should say: "Wonderful! We're looking forward to seeing you. Now give me your credit card number because I'm making motel reservations for you. My wife's doctor has said she's not up to entertaining houseguests this year, but you're such good friends I know you'll understand."
Their response will tell you both how strong that friendship is from their perspective. I hope they don't cancel their annual visit, but don't feel guilty if they do.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)