For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GOOD STUDENT'S PIERCING PLEA FALLS ON DEAF PARENTAL EARS
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in high school and the middle child. I get good grades, do the laundry, and usually don't complain when my parents ask me to do something. Overall, I'm a pretty good kid.
I asked my parents if I could get my tongue pierced if I got all A's on my report card. They won't even consider it. My mom said she would never change her mind. Every time I talk about it, they change the subject and it's really annoying.
I just got my progress report back today and I got all A's. In English and math, I got 100. Most of my friends didn't get straight A's.
Don't you agree my parents are being unfair and unreasonable? My mom is scared of my being rebellious. My dad just thinks they look trashy. Abby, this is how I want to express myself. It is who I am, and I don't think my parents should prevent me. What should I do to convince them? -- DEPRESSED IN DECATUR, GA.
DEAR DEPRESSED: Tongue piercing may seem like a terrific way to "express yourself," but it can lead to chipped teeth and a speech impediment, not to mention a nasty infection if you're unlucky. While your parents may seem excessively controlling, they have your best interests at heart. (They probably think you already have enough holes in your head.)
Your intelligence is far above average. When you are 18 and out on your own, you can pierce to your heart's content if you wish. I'm sure you can find a less radical way to express your inner self if you put your mind to it.
DEAR ABBY: How can you make friends understand that they should wait for an invitation before coming to visit? They also need to stay in a motel when they do come. We have friends who invite themselves once a year to spend about five nights in our home.
I have a serious medical condition and have undergone several operations. I make subtle hints about being in pain and not needing company, yet they never seem to understand that I am talking about them. Even though they often take us out to dinner and pick up the tab, I am not up to having them stay with us.
I hate to lose their friendship, but I cannot take another one of their visits. If I tell them they cannot stay, they are going to be very offended. -- HURTING AND SOCIABLE IN FLORIDA
DEAR HURTING: The next time the visitors call to tell you they're coming, your husband should say: "Wonderful! We're looking forward to seeing you. Now give me your credit card number because I'm making motel reservations for you. My wife's doctor has said she's not up to entertaining houseguests this year, but you're such good friends I know you'll understand."
Their response will tell you both how strong that friendship is from their perspective. I hope they don't cancel their annual visit, but don't feel guilty if they do.
The More, the Merrier When Neighbors Take Care of Kids
DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to "Tired in Tennessee," who was advised by a marriage counselor that she and her husband needed time for themselves, but complained that her mother never offered to baby-sit their two small sons.
My wife and I have three children, five years apart in age. We solved the problem by finding friends in the neighborhood who have children of similar ages. We take their kids for a week, and they reciprocate while my wife and I go on vacation. Taking care of six children isn't all that difficult. In some ways it's easier because each child has a playmate living in the house. The kids like it because they are not with strangers. I hope this helps. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON
DEAR BEEN THERE: It's a sensible suggestion, and I'm sure it will be welcomed by more parents than "Tired in Tennessee." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Why would anyone want Grandma to take responsibility for two young children if she isn't thrilled about it? My mother-in-law isn't speaking to me because I won't permit her to have my baby in her home. She has an unfenced pool, an explosive husband, and a proven inability to exercise good judgment. Bottom line: Don't expect what isn't offered.
In the meantime, paid help is the best help if you want to call the shots. Also, many nice resorts offer excellent kids' programs and bonded baby sitters for evenings out. You'll meet lots of other parents like yourselves making use of them. -- REALISTIC IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR REALISTIC: You're right; a paid professional is better than a reluctant relative.
DEAR ABBY: I understand both sides of the problem. I am an older grandmother in fairly good health. I love to baby-sit my grandkids over the weekends; however, sometimes I have moments of panic. I think, "What would happen should I become ill, or heaven forbid, I don't wake up in the morning? What would the kids do? Who would they call?" I didn't feel this way until I became a widow, but since then, I know it can happen. -- ARKANSAS GRANDMOTHER
DEAR ARKANSAS GRANDMOTHER: It's always wise to be prepared in an emergency. Even little children can learn to dial 911. Also, parents of minor children should leave medical permission papers in case of illness or accident.
DEAR ABBY: I could be that grandmother. The key words in her complaint were "active children." Translation: "brats."
When my daughter's family visits, the children are like wild animals. They won't eat at mealtime, but are in the refrigerator and cookie jar constantly. They jump on the furniture, break things and lie. They constantly beg to go shopping so Grandma can buy them a toy. They are an embarrassment in the store, and I no longer take them to a restaurant because they crawl under the tables and upset other diners.
One time I lost my temper and scolded them. My daughter became furious with me and didn't speak to me for several weeks. When they visit, I hold my breath, bite my tongue, and can't wait for them to go home. I am not about to volunteer to sit with these kids and put myself through such misery. I love my grandkids, but sometimes I don't like them -- and it is the fault of their parents, who never learned to say no to them. -- M. IN ARIZONA
DEAR M.: I agree. However, you're saying it to the wrong person. That comment should be made closer to home.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Small Wedding Causes Big Problem With Bride's Family
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another wedding-related disaster. I was married last October. My husband and I both wanted a small wedding because we couldn't afford a large one. We planned to elope and be married with only our parents and siblings as guests. The idea was to spend a fun weekend at a local inn.
My mother-in-law suggested that we include a few of our closest friends. Therefore, my husband and I each invited six friends and their dates/spouses. A total of 33 people attended the wedding, and it was exactly what we wanted.
I plan to throw a party for other relatives later this year. However, none of mine are speaking to me! They say I wrote them off by excluding them from the wedding -- that I chose friends over family, and some other hurtful comments.
When I explained that my husband's aunts, uncles and cousins weren't invited either and expressed their happiness for us, my relatives didn't care. My husband comes from a prominent family, and my side of the family is using that against me. They insist I am ashamed of them and think they're not good enough.
I thought throwing a party for everyone afterward would solve the problem. However, after what my relatives have said, I don't want to waste our money on them. I doubt they'd come anyway, since we're not speaking.
Abby, is one obligated to invite relatives to one's wedding? Is there an invitation protocol? Please advise. -- KELLY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR KELLY: Nothing is written in stone. However, in an ideal world, members of one's family are supposed to be closer than one's friends. Since it's too late to invite your family to your wedding, send them personal invitations to your party and see who shows up. (That way they won't think you have turned your back on them completely.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a hint for your readers who have a loved one in a nursing home: Carry a notebook. If there's a problem, note the day, time, the person you talked with and the condition of your loved one. Describe any problems and when they were solved.
If your loved one can make notes, give him or her a notebook, and have the person make notes of what is happening.
I shared this idea with a friend. She said it worked for her and her dad. He is getting much better care now. -- CAREGIVER IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CAREGIVER: Thanks for the suggestion. Jotting down the details of important conversations can be helpful for many reasons. Another good idea is to drop by unexpectedly and let the management know that you are paying attention to the care your loved one is receiving. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Our visits to friends in nursing homes and convalescent hospitals would be much more pleasant if the patient's family would pin up happy pictures or awards on the walls. Most rooms have a bulletin board.
We could talk about happy experiences and honors, rather than aches and pains. -- MARGARET MILLER, CINCINNATI
DEAR MARGARET: I have a better idea. Why don't all visitors take along photos or other mementos of happy events to liven up the conversation? Funny cartoons can also lighten the atmosphere. Smiles and laughter are good medicine for all concerned.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)