Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Muslim Girl Fears That Boys Will Never See Past Her Scarf
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old Muslim girl who is a faithful reader of your column. It has helped me remember that I'm not the only one with problems. Here's mine:
It seems like no boy has ever liked me because I wear a scarf. The fact that no guy has ever liked me really hurts, even though it's against my religion to have boyfriends or go out on dates.
Guys never like me -- even as a friend. I know you're thinking that boys my age are sometimes afraid to approach girls, but it's not like that. This is bothering me something awful, Abby. Please help. -- SAD AND HURT IN FALL CHURCH, VA.
DEAR SAD AND HURT: Speak to your parents or your religious leader about your feelings. You're not the only girl who has ever felt this way. Sometimes it's hard to be different -- yet that's what makes all of us mature as individuals.
When the time comes, the right young man will be mature enough to see the person underneath the scarf. Trust me!
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Jenny," and I became engaged on New Year's Day. We've been together for four years, and both have children from previous marriages. Jenny has three daughters, and I have a son and a daughter. All five are grown and in college or settled down with careers and families of their own.
I immediately shared our engagement news with my side of the family. Everyone was excited and eager to know the wedding date. Trouble is, Jenny and I haven't yet picked a date, due to the fact that she hasn't told any of her family -- including her daughters.
Since they all live out of state, none of her family would have any idea about our engagement unless they're told. Jenny's reluctance to share our "happy news" makes me wonder what she has to hide. Your opinion would be appreciated, Abby. -- STILL SINGLE IN SEATTLE
DEAR SINGLE: She's hiding you, honey! If your fiancee hasn't notified her family by June, I urge you to rethink the engagement.
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Doug," brought one of his active children into my office. One kid jumped on my chair and broke it. It doesn't belong to the company -- it's my personal chair. I have a disability and need something more comfortable than my office chair. Doug tried to glue it back together, but unfortunately, it didn't hold.
I have hinted that I am going to have to replace my chair. Doug has not offered to pay for it. Although I know it was an accident, I'm upset about it. The replacement cost of the chair is $100, but I bought it two years ago, and would be willing to take $50.
How should I handle this without damaging my friendship with Doug? -- CHAIRLESS IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CHAIRLESS: Buy a new chair and ask your co-worker to pay half the bill. Then purchase a sturdy lock for your office door -- and use it.
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Been There in Iowa," the divorced mother of two who convinced her ex-husband -- even if he did nothing else -- to call the children once a week to tell them he loved them.
My parents divorced when I was 3. My sisters and I lived with our mother. For a few years we enjoyed regular visits with our dad, but then visits became less frequent. During my teens, I was lucky to see him for a few hours every six months or so, and there were no letters or phone calls between visits.
The infrequent visits I had with my father were very hard for me emotionally. I felt he was only making token appearances -- being a father when it suited him or when his conscience bothered him. Sometimes I cried when he brought me home, never knowing if it was the last time he'd ever want to see me.
I felt disappointed, angry, deeply hurt and unloved. At 16 I could no longer take the emotional roller-coaster ride and decided he should either be a real father and a regular part of my life or stay out of it completely.
For seven years I neither saw nor spoke to him, but in those years I did a lot of growing up. It wasn't until recently that I realized I didn't hate him anymore. I was finally able to let go of the hurt and resentment and allow myself to forgive him.
I wrote my father a long letter, explaining that there were things I needed to say to him, pouring out all my feelings about the parent he had been and how it had affected my life. I made sure he knew I didn't hate him -- I still loved him -- and he didn't have to write back if he didn't want to.
Abby, he wrote me back! He said he'd been needing to hear everything I told him. He accepted the blame for his failings as a parent and apologized for hurting me. He is not the same man he was before, and he wanted the chance for us to get to know each other again. He said he loved me! His letter lifted a 10-ton weight from my shoulders. We now write frequently. -- THANKFUL IN TEXAS
DEAR THANKFUL: Your letter proves the truth of several important life lessons:
1. People can change.
2. It's important to speak the truth because often people need to hear it.
3. The burden of hurt and resentment is usually more destructive to the vessel that houses it than to the person who caused it.
DEAR ABBY: If a woman is married and divorced, then marries husband No. 2, but it doesn't work out, so she is divorced again, then realizes that husband No. 1 wasn't so bad, and they remarry -- should the couple count wedding anniversaries from where they left off? Or should they start over? Also, is it OK to be remarried on their original wedding date? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN PHOENIX
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: While it may seem romantic to remarry on your original wedding day, I'd recommend against it. You can't make a divorce and a second marriage "disappear" by pretending they never happened. Your recommitment to each other is a fresh start, and as such, the anniversaries should also start anew.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GRADUATE LOOKS FOR GUIDANCE ON PROTOCOLS OF CELEBRATION
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior. With graduation day fast approaching, I have some pressing questions.
First, what are the rules of etiquette regarding sending invitations/announcements? Do I have to invite all the members of my family to my graduation party that is supposed to be for my friends? (I would rather not even see most of these relatives, but my grandmother is insisting that I invite them.)
Second, what is the best way to keep track of gifts, so I can properly thank the gift-givers?
Abby, I have been reading your column since I learned how to read and would greatly appreciate your input. -- POLITE SENIOR DUDE IN AMARILLO, TEXAS
DEAR DUDE: Ask your parents if you can have two separate gatherings -- one for family and the other for your contemporaries. (Try to give family members the benefit of the doubt. As you get older, their finer qualities may emerge.)
Write what each person gives you on the card that accompanies the gift. That way, you can easily keep track of who gave what when it comes time to send thank-you notes, because it's always a nice touch to refer to the gift in your note.
P.S. Best of luck to you, grad!
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I have both become engaged. We are very close and are considering a double wedding. Our fiances think it's a neat idea. I've never been to a double wedding and have no idea how it works. Can you please help us? -- NEWLY ENGAGED IN EL PASO
DEAR NEWLY ENGAGED: Double weddings are extra-special events -- and they can reduce expenses.
I discuss this topic -- and more -- in my booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus a check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
However, since you asked about double weddings, I will offer some tips from the booklet:
Two sisters or close friends may wish to be married in the same ceremony.
They may share the same attendants or each may have her own maid of honor. Each groom will, of course, have his own best man.
If they desire, each bride may serve as maid of honor to the other bride, and each groom may serve as best man to the other groom.
The brides do NOT need to dress alike.
The costumes of the attendants should harmonize, although they need not be identical.
If the brides are not sisters, church and reception invitations must be issued separately.
The reception is usually given jointly, and either one or separate receiving lines may be formed.