For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Candor About Mental Condition Causes Men to Flee
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old woman who enjoys singing, crafts and working with children. I appear normal and I'm almost always pleasant. Why do I make that statement? Because I have a mental illness, and there is still a stigma. People sometimes feel uneasy when with me. While over the years the stigma has lessened, it still remains to some degree. I have been treated like a child, been the topic of gossip, lost friends in the church, and have been feared and ostracized because of my illness.
After a few dates with a man, I feel I must disclose that I have some emotional problems -- including bipolar disorder. My date invariably reacts like he's trapped in the car with a rabid animal. Abby, I am NOT crazy, dangerous or contagious! The men I date don't have to be afraid of me. However, when the truth comes out, my gentlemen friends run like scared rabbits. It's very hurtful. I want to be treated with understanding and respect, not punished for an illness I didn't ask for.
How nice it would be to have a male friend who doesn't back away because of misinformation about mental disorders. Please ask your readers to give people with mental illness time to prove they are not monsters, just people who, for the most part, lead normal lives and have needs, wishes and feelings like everyone else. -- HOPEFUL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HOPEFUL: It is true that many people are still ignorant about mental illness, and therefore harbor stigmatizing attitudes about it. It's ironic because one of the most widely prescribed medications in this country is Prozac.
In your zeal to be up-front, it's possible that you are telling your male friends too soon about your bipolar disorder. It might be wiser to wait until they get to know you better before disclosing that fact -- at which time you can recommend they read one or two excellent books about bipolar that are available in paperback: "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison and "A Brilliant Madness" by Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman. Both illustrate that, with treatment, a person with bipolar disorder can be productive and successful.
You are obviously intelligent and well-educated. You are in a unique position to educate others about mental illness -- and if you do so, it will go a long way toward helping you to feel stronger and more self-confident.
A therapist recently told me about a patient who got her church to start a committee on mental health. Then she asked the minister to feature mental illness at one of his sermons in his "day of caring" series, which featured topics like homelessness and migrant workers. Before the sermon, she stood up in front of the congregation and shared her own succesful treatment story. The therapist attended the services, too, and was available to answer questions between services. What a noble way to use the pulpit -- not only to educate the congregation, but also to advocate for enlightenment on a subject where not enough light has yet been reflected.
DEAR ABBY: I had to smile when I read the letter from "Stephanie in Delaware," about how an unexpected compliment in her ninth-grade math class made a difference in her life. It brought back a memory from my school days back in the '50s.
By far the best compliment I ever received, and one I'll remember the rest of my life, was from my ninth-grade music teacher. He reached out one day and took hold of my ear, wiggled it gently and said, "Don't ever lose that ear -- it's worth a million bucks!"
My teacher's name was Henry Brubeck (older brother of jazz great Dave Brubeck). -- DAVID S. OLSEN, LOMPOC, CALIF.
DEAR DAVID: He not only had an ear for music, he had perfect pitch with words.
Wedding Planner's Dream Is Nightmare for Her Fiance
DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged for 18 months, and we still have not set a wedding date. Every time I talk to my fiance about it, he suggests we elope to Australia or something. At first, it was because of his job. When I finally pinned him down about what was bothering him, he confessed that he absolutely does not want a wedding reception. He wants to marry me, but he wants it to be just the two of us. No guests.
Abby, the irony of it is that I am a professional wedding planner. My dream is to have the wedding I have always pictured. I want about 100 friends around me at this important time. However, my fiance cannot stand to be the focus of attention, and he says he would be miserable if I make him go through with it.
I tried to draw an analogy by asking him how he would feel if I told him he could not be a policeman anymore because I would be miserable. He says it's not the same because that is his job. Well, I am a professional wedding planner and coordinator. This would be MY ultimate dream job. Please don't tell me to scale down the wedding -- it is not possible to invite one cousin and explain you cannot invite the other, etc. I'm at a loss about what to do. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I'm not going to tell you to scale down the wedding. The bad news is I think you should rethink marrying your fiance at all. A man would have to have his head encased in concrete not to know that a woman's wedding day is one of the most important events of her life. As a professional event coordinator, your life revolves around social events.
Please think beyond the wedding to birthdays, anniversaries, events around babies -- all the occasions you will want to mark with a celebration. He won't want to participate, and if he does, he won't enjoy it. You two can try counseling and perhaps compromise. But will you be happy with someone who is so introverted and self-centered? Only you can answer that one.
DEAR ABBY: My husband rejects my romantic overtures, my attempts at conversation or a social life with him, and any efforts to discuss our few disagreements. (We almost never argue because he often refuses to talk or even reply to my greetings.) He also refuses counseling of any kind and rejects literature on relationships or depression.
Abby, please tell your readers to run, don't walk, away from a man who's been divorced more than once. There's a reason why he's single. I trusted his version of how his past marriages fell apart. I trusted that his courting behavior was the real him. Wrong. It was just dating behavior. The happy part of our marriage lasted only a few months. His ex-wives must be laughing at me because I've discovered what they knew years ago. I am intelligent, capable and educated -- and still I made a profoundly stupid mistake when it came to love. -- DISILLUSIONED IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Please don't be so hard on yourself. Intelligence, education and competence do not guarantee that a person of either sex will automatically choose the right spouse. And why do you think your husband's former wives are laughing at you? If anyone can empathize with your unhappiness, they can.
Since your husband refuses counseling and is unwilling to work on your marriage, go without him -- if only to understand why you have tolerated this hostile living arrangement for as long as you have. After that, you'll know what to do.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Neighbor Objecting to Couple's Show Could Pull Down Curtain
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the laugh of the week -- "Blushing in Baltimore," complaining that from her kitchen sink she can see her neighbors making love in bed because they don't pull the drapes or turn off the lights. I bet you her lights are off, and the only thing in her hands is a pair of binoculars!
This reminds me of the story of the old lady who called the police to complain that the man next door walked around his house naked. The police came to investigate and asked from which window she could see him. She pointed to the kitchen window. After watching for 10 minutes, they said, "Lady, we don't see him." The woman replied, "You're not watching from the right angle. Get up on the kitchen table and you'll see him just fine!" -- LAUGHING IN HARRISBURG
DEAR LAUGHING: Perhaps it is a matter of perspective. "There is none so blind as he who will not see," or to put it another way, "He who averts his eyes misses everything." For a different angle, read on:
DEAR ABBY: Methinks "Blushing in Baltimore" protests too much! It doesn't take Freud to understand the situation. The two parties are well matched. The neighbors like to put on a show, and "Blushing" obliges them by watching.
Abby, nobody forces her to look. Doesn't she have a life of her own? She could get drapes or blinds and go turn on her TV -- but then, a live show beats network television anytime. (And your suggestion to plant a tree would spoil everybody's fun!) -- SEEN IT ALL IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR SEEN IT ALL: Not necessarily. It depends on who's pruning the tree.
DEAR ABBY: The other day a friend's wife, "Mimi," commented that she needed a new wardrobe because of her recent breast augmentation. I was taken aback because I didn't realize she'd had the procedure.
Mimi then began unbuttoning her sweater, saying, "See? Whatcha think?" She was wearing a T-shirt underneath, but I wasn't comfortable being asked to comment on her breasts. Somehow, "Nice rack, Mimi!" didn't seem appropriate. And with her husband standing a few feet away, I wasn't sure I should be looking at all.
What kind of response would have been appropriate, Abby? Should I have complimented both husband and wife, or directed my comments just to her? Sign me ... STUMPED BY THE SILICONE REVOLUTION
DEAR STUMPED: A safe reply would have been, "Your husband is a lucky man."
DEAR ABBY: The letters about children learning "the facts of life" reminded me of this story about my nephew: His mother was busy dressing for church when little "Clay" asked her, "Mom, how are babies born?"
My sister, caught off guard and unprepared for such a complex question from her 4-year-old, quickly took his hand and led him to the bathroom where his father stood shaving. She then asked Clay to repeat his question. The obedient little boy asked, "Dad, how are babies born?"
Not missing a beat, his dad promptly replied, "Head first." Clay said, "OK," then headed back to the TV to finish watching cartoons. -- AUNT L IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR AUNT L: That was a close shave. What a smart daddy!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)