Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Small Wedding Causes Big Problem With Bride's Family
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another wedding-related disaster. I was married last October. My husband and I both wanted a small wedding because we couldn't afford a large one. We planned to elope and be married with only our parents and siblings as guests. The idea was to spend a fun weekend at a local inn.
My mother-in-law suggested that we include a few of our closest friends. Therefore, my husband and I each invited six friends and their dates/spouses. A total of 33 people attended the wedding, and it was exactly what we wanted.
I plan to throw a party for other relatives later this year. However, none of mine are speaking to me! They say I wrote them off by excluding them from the wedding -- that I chose friends over family, and some other hurtful comments.
When I explained that my husband's aunts, uncles and cousins weren't invited either and expressed their happiness for us, my relatives didn't care. My husband comes from a prominent family, and my side of the family is using that against me. They insist I am ashamed of them and think they're not good enough.
I thought throwing a party for everyone afterward would solve the problem. However, after what my relatives have said, I don't want to waste our money on them. I doubt they'd come anyway, since we're not speaking.
Abby, is one obligated to invite relatives to one's wedding? Is there an invitation protocol? Please advise. -- KELLY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR KELLY: Nothing is written in stone. However, in an ideal world, members of one's family are supposed to be closer than one's friends. Since it's too late to invite your family to your wedding, send them personal invitations to your party and see who shows up. (That way they won't think you have turned your back on them completely.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a hint for your readers who have a loved one in a nursing home: Carry a notebook. If there's a problem, note the day, time, the person you talked with and the condition of your loved one. Describe any problems and when they were solved.
If your loved one can make notes, give him or her a notebook, and have the person make notes of what is happening.
I shared this idea with a friend. She said it worked for her and her dad. He is getting much better care now. -- CAREGIVER IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CAREGIVER: Thanks for the suggestion. Jotting down the details of important conversations can be helpful for many reasons. Another good idea is to drop by unexpectedly and let the management know that you are paying attention to the care your loved one is receiving. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Our visits to friends in nursing homes and convalescent hospitals would be much more pleasant if the patient's family would pin up happy pictures or awards on the walls. Most rooms have a bulletin board.
We could talk about happy experiences and honors, rather than aches and pains. -- MARGARET MILLER, CINCINNATI
DEAR MARGARET: I have a better idea. Why don't all visitors take along photos or other mementos of happy events to liven up the conversation? Funny cartoons can also lighten the atmosphere. Smiles and laughter are good medicine for all concerned.
Pennies From Heaven Keep Falling Into Grateful Hands
DEAR READERS: Much to my delight, pennies-from-heaven letters continue to pour in. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your letters about "pennies from heaven" have touched my heart more than words can express. At the time that the letters first appeared in your column, my father was losing his battle with cancer. He died peacefully at home last month with his loving family by his side.
The morning of his funeral, I asked the funeral director to place 11 pennies in his pocket. Each penny represents a member of our immediate family. You can be sure that all of us will be looking for those pennies to fall from heaven! -- DIANNE RICHARDSON-CONDA, MOUNT LAUREL, N.J.
DEAR DIANNE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. Keep your eyes peeled for those pennies. They're sure to come back to you.
DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago my husband had a stroke. The first day I walked out of the hospital, I picked up three pennies and put them in my pocket. His condition was touch-and-go.
Every day walking out of the hospital, I would find a penny or two and add them to the others in my pocket. When I changed clothes, I would transfer the pennies to the pocket of what I was wearing. It seems unbelievable, but every single day I would find more pennies. In a strange way, I found it comforting because I felt reassured my husband would pull through -- and he did!
To this day, every time I pick up a penny on the street, I add it to the pennies I saved from the hospital. I will never spend them because they brought my husband and me good luck when we most needed it. -- LENA KATZ, WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.
DEAR LENA: Those pennies are a tangible reminder of your good fortune. And that alone makes them priceless.
DEAR ABBY: My mother had a favorite penny story from when she was a little girl in Farmville, Va., in the 1890s. She died in 1983 at the age of 93.
Times were tough and there was no money in the house. So my grandmother sent my mother to the store to buy a penny's worth of oil for their lamp -- with the promise to pay the stern general store owner "next week."
Sheepishly, she left the house, walked down the front path and opened the gate. Lo and behold! There was a penny lying on the street. Mother always called it a miracle. -- MARTHA IN CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO
DEAR MARTHA: I don't blame her. That penny saved your mother a world of embarrassment, and that's worth more than money can buy.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my father passed away in upstate New York. We traveled to his funeral from our home in North Carolina. Within two weeks we sold the home and moved Mom back to North Carolina with us. They had been married for 58 years.
My mother passed away last year. Before her casket was closed, one of my relatives approached me and asked if I had put three pennies in my mother's pocket. I was confused and asked what she was talking about. She told me there were three bridges Mother would have to cross to get to heaven.
I immediately placed six pennies in my mother's pocket to pay the toll -- I knew my dad was waiting patiently for her at the first bridge. -- MISSING MOM AND DAD IN GODWIN, N.C.
DEAR MISSING: How touching. It's nice to know you can "take it with you."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Ever Present Mother in Law Is Long Past Being Welcome
DEAR ABBY: Our oldest daughter, her husband and infant son have been living with us a little over a year. My mother-in-law, "Helen," lives next door.
Helen is retired, does no volunteer work and has no social life to speak of. The problem is that she spends all her free time at our house.
Her excuse is always to see the baby, but if one of us leaves the room, Helen will spend only a few minutes with the baby, then follow us to whatever room we have escaped to.
I work full-time outside the home, so it's only a weekend problem for me. However, my daughter is home with the baby all day, and my mother-in-law is making her crazy! My son-in-law's day off was today. Helen was at the house a total of three hours by 2 p.m.
My husband won't come out and say he is bothered by his mother's frequent, lengthy visits, but the kids and I have noticed that whenever she comes over, he finds a hideout.
We have gone so far as to ignore Helen's presence as much as possible, but she doesn't take the hint. Abby, please remind the older generation that they need to stay active with people their own age and not expect their children to be their life when their own slows down. -- ANNOYED UP TO HERE, SMALL TOWN, TEXAS
DEAR ANNOYED: You haven't mentioned your mother-in-law's age, but she may have a fear of being alone. If she hasn't had a recent medical examination, she should be evaluated physically and mentally to determine if there is a problem.
If Helen is healthy, then you and your husband should make an effort to socialize her with people her own age. Investigate senior centers in your area and low-cost transportation to get her there. We all need activities outside the home.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for eight months, but I still haven't sent out my thank-yous for our wedding gifts. I lost the list of "who got what" for us, and I don't want everyone to know how careless I am.
Some family members have asked if we are still married because they haven't received their thank-yous. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to fix this awkward situation? -- EMBARRASSED BRIDE IN OHIO
DEAR EMBARRASSED BRIDE: Call the people and level with them. Ask what they gave you and then write those thank-you notes. They don't have to be long, flowery or fancy.
DEAR ABBY: You advised "Mother Under Pressure" to allow her 10-year-old daughter to begin shaving her legs, and I wholeheartedly agree.
I faced the same dilemma with my then 9-year-old girl. She begged me to let her shave her legs. I pitched a fit and fussed and fumed. Each time she pleaded, I refused her.
My daughter is now 22 and has gone from almost dying from anorexia to drug addiction. How I wish I had her precious childhood years back again. My advice to "Mother Under Pressure" is this: DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! -- REGRETFUL MOM IN GEORGIA
DEAR MOM: Well said. A wise parent knows how to pick her (or his) battles. I hope your daughter is soon on the road to recovery.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)