To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 34 years old, married and very confused. My current husband, "Austin," and I have a good marriage. He is wonderful to me. I have three children from a previous marriage.
My ex-husband, "Chet," and I are great friends. I have never stopped loving him. That is my problem. I dream of Chet every night. I think of him all day. I don't know how to get him out of my mind and heart.
Abby, I am committed to my marriage and take my vows seriously, but it's almost like I am emotionally cheating on Austin. I have even considered leaving him because I feel so guilty about the way I feel. I know I could never be reunited with Chet, but I don't think I love Austin the way a wife should.
Is it wrong to have feelings about your children's father? -- CONFLICTED IN COLORADO
DEAR CONFLICTED: No. Chet may have been a poor husband, but the attraction you felt for him is still powerful. I call it moth-to-the-flame syndrome. Even though the moth may get singed to oblivion, the attraction is still there.
What would be wrong would be to ACT on those feelings. Consider this: The objects we dream about are usually symbolic. Counseling could help you to figure out what Chet symbolizes in your dreams and fantasies. It may not be what you think.
DEAR ABBY: Our elementary school second-grade class had an assembly conducted by the local fire department. The firemen demonstrated their equipment, let the children try on helmets and protective clothing, and talked to them about fire safety. One thing they did was show the children how to crawl out of a room or house that was on fire.
One child in the class is in a wheelchair. He cannot walk or crawl or maneuver his manual chair by himself. This student's one-on-one aide thought the boy should learn what HE should do if he was ever in a fire. She decided that he could yell for help so the firemen could find him.
Now when she brings him to my office for toileting, she puts him on the toilet and then leaves the room to give him some privacy. When he's ready to get back in his chair, he is to yell loudly. His normal speaking voice is very soft, so he had to be trained to yell loudly. Some people in the school have been frightened when they heard him yell, "Help! I'm in here!" from the bathroom -– but it just may save his life one day. -- TUCSON, ARIZ., EDUCATOR
DEAR EDUCATOR: I am all for a child being prepared in case of an emergency. What concerns me is the possibility that the child's cries would be discounted if a real emergency were to occur. It is unwise to instruct a child to yell "Help!" unless there is danger. Assistance in the restroom could just as easily be gained by shouting, "Agnes, I'm ready now!" The message would be accurate and not frighten anyone.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the sister-in-law who parades around the house naked. I wonder if the couple who live there would like to supplement their income by taking in a boarder. Tell them Grandpa's suitcase is packed! -- NATURE LOVER IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR NATURE LOVER: Unpack your suitcase, Grandpa. They have enough problems already.
Woman Is Spent With Anger After Saving Wedding Day
DEAR ABBY: My fiance's sister was married three weeks ago. It was the most unorganized, chaotic mess I've ever seen. The night before the wedding, she called me, frantically asking if I could come early to the hall to "help make bows." I immediately agreed. By the time the conversation ended, she had given me a list a mile long of "last-minute details" she had forgotten. I felt obligated to help, knowing she, her mother and bridesmaids would all be busy getting ready for the wedding.
I spent more than $100 on balloons, toothpicks, 15 yards of lovely fabric, a fountain pen, ice, etc. -- and I single-handedly arranged all the flowers and decorated the hall. I finished as the guests arrived. Of course, no chairs had been set up for them to sit on, so I pointed to a stack of them in the corner and ran home to change into something clean.
When I returned, the ceremony was over. But I was just in time to start serving food, as no caterers had been hired. I went home exhausted and feeling terribly used. I barely got a thank-you for my efforts.
The next morning, the bride called to ask if I could dry all the roses for her because a florist was going to make her a keepsake arrangement.
The bride has now returned from her honeymoon. I've given her all the receipts for my expenditures, but she hasn't bothered to pay me back. Abby, so far I've kept my mouth shut about how I feel, but I'm so angry I'm losing sleep. Your thoughts, please? -- FEELING USED
DEAR FEELING USED: Call her and calmly remind her of her obligation to reimburse you. Without you, the wedding would have been a disaster; you deserve a medal for saving the day. However, you may have to wait to receive your reward in heaven. Stand firm when you're asked to rescue her in the future -- my intuition tells me you'll be asked repeatedly.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to praise my husband, Gene, who has done what few others would -- he is responsible for dinner every other night! He said it is only fair since I went back to work full time in 1994. It took us a while to figure out the particulars, but our system has worked well for more than seven years.
Gene's birthday is on the 24th of the month, mine is on the 13th. His is even and mine is odd, meaning he is responsible for dinner on even days, and I on odd days. When it's our turn, we cook, pick up food to bring home, or decide which restaurant to go to -- and pick up the check. I still do most of the grocery shopping, and sometimes he adds a few items to my list. I don't mind because Gene is a good cook, and he never forgets to make plans on "his" night.
Abby, the idea for our system came from your column. Many years ago, you solved a mother's dilemma when her kids fought over who was going to sit in the front seat of her car. You suggested one ride up front on even days, the other on odd. We used your idea when our children were young. Thanks! -- CAROLYN LOVELACE, NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR CAROLYN: I'm all for recycling -- and a good idea can have many applications.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Smokers' Final Resting Place Is Surrounded by Old Friends
DEAR ABBY: I think the poster idea for an anti-smoking campaign is fantastic. For a number of years I've had my own idea for a poster:
Imagine a cemetery arch with these words written across the top: "WELCOME TO MARLBORO COUNTRY." In the background would be headstones. One reads "Virginia Slims," another reads "Joe Camel," then there's "Paul Mall."
What do you think about this idea of mine, Abby? -- EX-SMOKER WHO GOT SMART
DEAR EX-SMOKER: Anything that gets the message out would be a public service. How about additional headstones in the background engraved "Chester Fields," "Philip Morris" and "Benson Hedges"? Like smoking, it would take your breath away.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I built a house next door to his parents 35 years ago. The four of us farmed the land we were on. About the time we started having children, my in-laws' health went downhill. We took care of them until they went home to God. My husband was an only child, so everything went to him.
Now our children are grown and have their own places, except one son. For five years, he and his wife and young son have lived rent-free in the home of my deceased in-laws. Our daughter-in-law is demanding that we deed the house and some land to them, or they will move and we will never be allowed to see our grandson.
She told my husband that we did not work for the house and land he inherited. I'm sorry, but my husband was a loving son who took good care of his parents. It was never for the land. Not once did he demand anything from his folks. He always believed, "Honor thy father and thy mother."
Our son goes along with his wife and insists they will move and take their little boy away from us. My husband says no decent person would use a child in this way. He says to let them go, and if they make demands one more time, he will pack them up and move them out himself -- then burn down the house.
I'm afraid of what might happen, Abby. Please help me handle this. -- SCARED TENNESSEE GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I don't agree with his methods, but your husband is absolutely right about not giving in to blackmail.
P.S. Try to persuade your husband not to torch the house. It might come in handy for visiting guests or even seasonal help on the farm.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 years old and my boyfriend, "Donnie," is 34. I have three kids and he has four. We have become very close over the three months we have been dating. We don't spend much quality time together, and I have a hard time talking about my feelings with him. I didn't plan on falling in love with Donnie -- it just happened.
The problem is my family doesn't approve of him. After all, he is still legally married to my cousin "Dixie" -- but they've been separated four years. The three kids I have are from his cousin "Dennis." What should I do? -- IN LOVE BY MYSELF
DEAR IN LOVE: You say you have fallen in love with your cousin's husband and your complaint is you spend little quality time together and can't confide in him? It's time to end this "family affair" and come back to reality. "Separated" does not mean divorced. The man is married.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)