For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
TEACHING AS SECOND CAREER MAY HOLD HIDDEN PENALTIES
DEAR ABBY: I thoroughly agree with you and "Veteran School Secretary" regarding the critical importance of teachers in our country. It is vital to our future that we recruit and retain the best of the best for our children, and it doesn't matter if they come straight to teaching from a university or they pursue another career first. The point is to get them together with our kids.
There is one point that needs to be made, however, regarding those who come to teaching from other employment. In 14 states, those who begin to teach after earning Social Security retirement benefits will be penalized upon retirement. Their Social Security benefits will be reduced solely because they have paid into another retirement system, such as the California State Teachers' Retirement System. Paying into Social Security and to CalSTRS are both requirements of employment; therefore, to penalize a retiring teacher by reducing an earned benefit is grossly unfair. Moreover, the Social Security system does not warn educators of this penalty before retirement; educators retire expecting the amount predicted by Social Security, only to find it reduced by up to 60 percent.
Educators in Alaska, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Nevada, Louisiana, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, Illinois, Ohio, Massachusetts, Maine and Texas are affected by this inequity.
Our association and others throughout the country are working to change this unfair and discriminatory practice. Companion bills SB1523 and HR 2638 would correct this problem, and I would urge people to write to their representatives asking their support. Until there is change, those contemplating a second career in education should be made aware that they may be punished for their interest in the youth of America. -- SUSAN GOFF, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, CALIFORNIA RETIRED TEACHERS ASSOCIATION
DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for the warning. I, too, would urge concerned parents of school-age children to let their representatives know how they feel about this inequity. We need the best people teaching our children, and nothing should stand in their way.
DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. My father remarried seven years later. By then I was in high school. My stepmother and I were not close, but she was good to Dad and that was the most important thing.
My father passed away two years ago at the age of 76, after 26 years of marriage. Although my stepmother and I had limited contact in the months that followed, we don't anymore. I have even stopped sending her birthday and Mother's Day cards.
Can you enlighten me on the proper etiquette for sending her cards or letters on her special days? I should mention she has children of her own from a previous marriage. Please guide me in the right direction on this. -- OUT OF TOUCH IN CLEVELAND
DEAR OUT OF TOUCH: The sagest advice I can offer regarding sending cards or letters to your stepmother on her special days is this: Follow your heart. She made your father happy, and you are obviously aware of the special occasions. Send her good wishes and you'll never feel guilty.
DAD'S NEW BRIDE TOO EAGER TO JOIN WEDDING PROCESSION
DEAR ABBY: I am being married next month. Last night, my father announced to me that he had just married his much younger girlfriend, "Cassandra." Abby, she is even younger than I am. I am OK with the marriage as long as Dad is happy, even though I do not approve. But that is beside the point.
Cassandra is now adamant about walking down the aisle with my father during the parent processional at my wedding. I am extremely uncomfortable with this idea. She has never been a parent to me, nor do I believe she ever will be.
How can I deal with this tactfully and keep my wedding as I would like it? Help! -- BEWILDERED GROOM
DEAR BEWILDERED GROOM: You haven't mentioned your mother. If she is living, she should accompany your father during the parent processional.
Although I am sure Cassandra would like to be recognized for who and what she officially is on this family occasion, she should remember this is your wedding, not her coming-out party. The impression she creates will last as long as her marriage to your father. Please clip this and give it to her. Maybe seeing it in black-and-white will convince her to lighten up.
DEAR ABBY: Are there any rules or guidelines when an ex-spouse is hospitalized or dies? My ex-husband is in intensive care. If he dies, what is my expected role? We have successfully navigated through graduations, weddings and baptisms in a civil manner. I am extremely close to my former mother-in-law, grandmother to my children.
Abby, I want to do what is right for my children and his mother, but I'm not sure what that is. Any advice would be appreciated. -- DIVORCED IN INDIANA
DEAR DIVORCED IN INDIANA: Trust your common sense. If your ex has remarried, ask his wife and your former mother-in-law if your presence would be disruptive were you to pay your respects. If the answer is yes, keep your distance. If the answer is no, keep your presence low-key.
DEAR ABBY: Your column concerning the problem of dumping unwanted pets prompts me to share an incident that happened several years ago.
My brother lives five miles outside a small town in Texas, and one day after a big snowstorm, he needed to drive into town to get groceries and gas.
Just as he was about to leave, he noticed his neighbor's car pulling up to the curb on the opposite side of the street. When the neighbor drove off, a small dog stood in the snow. The neighbor had dumped his dog!
My brother hurriedly picked up the dog and drove to his neighbor's house. He then let the dog out and watched him scamper up the steps.
Lo and behold, the next week, the neighbor told my brother about dumping the dog -- and how the dog beat him home. He said, "If the little mutt loves me that much, I'm going to keep him!" -- BILL GRIFFIN, RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR BILL: Pet dumping is no laughing matter. It often results in the death of an innocent animal. I am pleased your story had a positive outcome -- but a dog shouldn't have to turn into a homing pigeon with the aid of a Good Samaritan in order to prove how much it loves its owner.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bride's Cruel Remark Causes Angry Bridesmaid to Bow Out
DEAR ABBY: I work in a local government office as a comptroller and have many longtime friends in the office. I am disabled, Abby. I was born club-footed and with a short leg, which requires me to wear a specially molded shoe and walk with a cane. One gentleman, who is soon to marry a co-worker, asked that I be in the bridal party.
The problem: I overheard the bride-to-be talking to the office receptionist about my participation in the wedding. She said she would be embarrassed to have me "clump down the aisle, dragging that horrible shoe"! Those were her exact words. Needless to say, I am heartbroken that a fellow worker, who always seemed nice to my face, would say something so cruel behind my back. Yes, I am fully aware that I must wear this "horrible" thing to walk, but I never thought I would be talked about in such an unkind manner.
I have decided to beg off, but don't want to start a flap over this. How can I bow out gracefully? I feel I should say something in defense of disabled people everywhere, but discretion tells me to keep my hurt and anger to myself. Please advise. -- CONFUSED IN KINGSTON, N.Y.
DEAR CONFUSED: You would be doing your longtime co-worker a favor by leveling with him about overhearing his fiancee object to your participation in the wedding because of your disability. Tell him that, under the circumstances, you must decline his gracious invitation.
Knowing the truth could cause him to change his mind about marrying someone so self-centered and with so little compassion. If not, at least he'd be warned in advance.
DEAR ABBY: We will be sending wedding invitations soon. Do you send a mother who has moved in with her daughter a separate invitation, or do you include her as "and family"? I always thought "and family" referred to minor children only. What's the proper etiquette? -- CONFUSED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR CONFUSED: Adult members of the household -- a parent or a grown child -- should receive a separate invitation.
DEAR ABBY: The letters about children's reactions to how babies are made reminded me of my son's reaction when he was 4. I was a single mother in college at the time. He enjoyed looking at my biology books while I studied. One day he saw a picture of fertilization, so upon his request I explained how babies get started using the pictures in the biology book.
He looked me right in the eye and asked how the daddy cell got in the momma in the first place. Cool as a cucumber, I asked him how he thought it got there. He thought for a moment, then told me his version that so touched my heart that I became misty:
Babies get started in the daddy's heart. The daddy looks at the mommy with a special kind of love. He takes her hand, and the sperm leaves the daddy's heart, goes through his wedding ring while he is holding his wife's hand, to her heart, where it stays to soak up their love a little while, then travels to her uterus, where it starts to grow. And this is how babies are made! I thought it was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. -- ALY IN EDMONDS, WASH.
DEAR ALY: I agree. And if you think about the symbolism -- he wasn't really so far wrong. (On the other hand, it makes one realize how important a thorough sex education is for young people.)
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)