For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Is Spent With Anger After Saving Wedding Day
DEAR ABBY: My fiance's sister was married three weeks ago. It was the most unorganized, chaotic mess I've ever seen. The night before the wedding, she called me, frantically asking if I could come early to the hall to "help make bows." I immediately agreed. By the time the conversation ended, she had given me a list a mile long of "last-minute details" she had forgotten. I felt obligated to help, knowing she, her mother and bridesmaids would all be busy getting ready for the wedding.
I spent more than $100 on balloons, toothpicks, 15 yards of lovely fabric, a fountain pen, ice, etc. -- and I single-handedly arranged all the flowers and decorated the hall. I finished as the guests arrived. Of course, no chairs had been set up for them to sit on, so I pointed to a stack of them in the corner and ran home to change into something clean.
When I returned, the ceremony was over. But I was just in time to start serving food, as no caterers had been hired. I went home exhausted and feeling terribly used. I barely got a thank-you for my efforts.
The next morning, the bride called to ask if I could dry all the roses for her because a florist was going to make her a keepsake arrangement.
The bride has now returned from her honeymoon. I've given her all the receipts for my expenditures, but she hasn't bothered to pay me back. Abby, so far I've kept my mouth shut about how I feel, but I'm so angry I'm losing sleep. Your thoughts, please? -- FEELING USED
DEAR FEELING USED: Call her and calmly remind her of her obligation to reimburse you. Without you, the wedding would have been a disaster; you deserve a medal for saving the day. However, you may have to wait to receive your reward in heaven. Stand firm when you're asked to rescue her in the future -- my intuition tells me you'll be asked repeatedly.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to praise my husband, Gene, who has done what few others would -- he is responsible for dinner every other night! He said it is only fair since I went back to work full time in 1994. It took us a while to figure out the particulars, but our system has worked well for more than seven years.
Gene's birthday is on the 24th of the month, mine is on the 13th. His is even and mine is odd, meaning he is responsible for dinner on even days, and I on odd days. When it's our turn, we cook, pick up food to bring home, or decide which restaurant to go to -- and pick up the check. I still do most of the grocery shopping, and sometimes he adds a few items to my list. I don't mind because Gene is a good cook, and he never forgets to make plans on "his" night.
Abby, the idea for our system came from your column. Many years ago, you solved a mother's dilemma when her kids fought over who was going to sit in the front seat of her car. You suggested one ride up front on even days, the other on odd. We used your idea when our children were young. Thanks! -- CAROLYN LOVELACE, NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR CAROLYN: I'm all for recycling -- and a good idea can have many applications.
Smokers' Final Resting Place Is Surrounded by Old Friends
DEAR ABBY: I think the poster idea for an anti-smoking campaign is fantastic. For a number of years I've had my own idea for a poster:
Imagine a cemetery arch with these words written across the top: "WELCOME TO MARLBORO COUNTRY." In the background would be headstones. One reads "Virginia Slims," another reads "Joe Camel," then there's "Paul Mall."
What do you think about this idea of mine, Abby? -- EX-SMOKER WHO GOT SMART
DEAR EX-SMOKER: Anything that gets the message out would be a public service. How about additional headstones in the background engraved "Chester Fields," "Philip Morris" and "Benson Hedges"? Like smoking, it would take your breath away.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I built a house next door to his parents 35 years ago. The four of us farmed the land we were on. About the time we started having children, my in-laws' health went downhill. We took care of them until they went home to God. My husband was an only child, so everything went to him.
Now our children are grown and have their own places, except one son. For five years, he and his wife and young son have lived rent-free in the home of my deceased in-laws. Our daughter-in-law is demanding that we deed the house and some land to them, or they will move and we will never be allowed to see our grandson.
She told my husband that we did not work for the house and land he inherited. I'm sorry, but my husband was a loving son who took good care of his parents. It was never for the land. Not once did he demand anything from his folks. He always believed, "Honor thy father and thy mother."
Our son goes along with his wife and insists they will move and take their little boy away from us. My husband says no decent person would use a child in this way. He says to let them go, and if they make demands one more time, he will pack them up and move them out himself -- then burn down the house.
I'm afraid of what might happen, Abby. Please help me handle this. -- SCARED TENNESSEE GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I don't agree with his methods, but your husband is absolutely right about not giving in to blackmail.
P.S. Try to persuade your husband not to torch the house. It might come in handy for visiting guests or even seasonal help on the farm.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 years old and my boyfriend, "Donnie," is 34. I have three kids and he has four. We have become very close over the three months we have been dating. We don't spend much quality time together, and I have a hard time talking about my feelings with him. I didn't plan on falling in love with Donnie -- it just happened.
The problem is my family doesn't approve of him. After all, he is still legally married to my cousin "Dixie" -- but they've been separated four years. The three kids I have are from his cousin "Dennis." What should I do? -- IN LOVE BY MYSELF
DEAR IN LOVE: You say you have fallen in love with your cousin's husband and your complaint is you spend little quality time together and can't confide in him? It's time to end this "family affair" and come back to reality. "Separated" does not mean divorced. The man is married.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Making Smoking Uncool Is Challenge for Ad Campaigns
DEAR ABBY: This is in reply to the 81-year-old woman who proposed creating an anti-smoking poster with two healthy sisters on each side of the unhealthy sister who smoked. It won't work!
I'm 20, and if I saw a poster of an elderly woman dying of lung cancer, I would scoff at the message. I would be sympathetic, but I would think, "I'm young. I'll NEVER be like that." However, if I met someone in his late teens or early 20s who had lung cancer, it would be a different story.
I propose sending teens who are ex-smokers to schools with their stories. Not just junior and high schools, but elementary schools, too. I recently quit smoking. (I was in third grade when I started.) I now work in a school. Every day I wonder which students smoke or drink. I wish I could make a difference. If you know of an organization looking for young adults like me to tell their stories -– please let me know. –- CHRIS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CHRIS: The problem with your proposal is that tobacco-related cancers usually take years to develop. The chances of a high school student meeting a contemporary with cancer of the mouth, throat, lung, pancreas, cervix, kidney or bladder are slim. However, every year a person smokes, the more deeply addicted he or she becomes.
P.S. I'd be interested in knowing why you finally quit. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thirteen-year-old kids don't care about 81-year-old cancer patients on oxygen tanks. When I was 13, I had two adjectives for everything –- "cool" and "uncool." When you're 13, you're never going to be 81 or have cancer. Being uncool is the real danger!
Ad campaigns directed at teens pound the health issue to death, but kids tune them out. Cigarettes are cool precisely because they are unhealthy and disreputable. The anti-smoking ads must improve. Somewhere there must be some principled, highly intelligent people with the media savvy to gradually make smoking uncool. Things will not change otherwise.
Advertising agencies with a conscience –- graphic designers with a cause –- tastemakers with a point of view: Are you reading this carefully? –- LOSING MY COOL IN L.A.
DEAR LOSING MY COOL: Don't give up hope. I'm sure there are creative people out there who care as much as we do.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a lifelong smoker. She is dying from lung cancer. The bravest thing she has ever done is share her story with high school students. She makes no bones about her future. If her story prevents one kid from starting to smoke, she'll feel she has done something good with her life. –- P.T. IN ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR P.T.: Please accept my sympathy for your mother's terminal illness. She's a courageous woman to share her story in the hope it will save others.
DEAR ABBY: My deceased dad had the good grace to write a statement to be read at his funeral admitting that smoking is a killer, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. –- M.L. IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR M.L.: My condolences to you for the loss of your father. He told it like it was.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are in our 40s. Upon reading the letter from the 81-year-old woman, we both decided we wanted to be healthy and active in our retirement years. We quit smoking on the spot! –- GRATEFUL IN WOODSTOCK
DEAR GRATEFUL: Yippee! A double victory! Your letter made my day.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)