Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Chip on Old Uncle's Shoulder Threatens to Start Family Feud
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married last year. There were many out-of-town relatives from the bride's family, plus a large wedding party. Once the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom were added to the list, close to 80 people attended the rehearsal dinner. We did not invite family members who didn't have a part in the ceremony, although spouses of the wedding party were included.
A few weeks before the big day, my husband's Uncle Charlie (who is close to 80), let us know he was very hurt not to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. He made it clear he expected us to make an exception for him because he and my husband have always been close. My husband explained to Charlie that if we made an exception for him, we would risk offending other relatives who were not included. He seemed to accept the decision.
It has been many months since the wedding, and it's obvious that Uncle Charlie is nursing a grudge. At family gatherings, he takes every opportunity to challenge anything my husband says to belittle him. He even collected articles on wedding etiquette, invited my husband to lunch and tried to get him to read them.
If my son gets wind of this, he won't tiptoe around Uncle Charlie's feelings as his dad has always done. There will be a permanent rift in the family.
Abby, is there anything I can do or say to resolve this? -- THE PEACEMAKER
DEAR PEACEMAKER: I doubt it. It is precisely for people who feel they deserve to be the "exception" that the rules of etiquette were written in the first place. There is no way to reason with narcissistic, self-centered individuals because they must always be right.
It is not your job or your husband's to make up to Uncle Charlie for his imagined slight. He owes your husband an apology, not the other way around. But please don't hold your breath waiting for it.
DEAR ABBY: As ardent readers of your column, my wife, Pamela, and I feel we must attest to the absolute truth about the "drunken geese" story you have printed.
It is, indeed, a true story and hundreds of years old. The geese were, in fact, ducks -- owned by an innkeeper in Hawkshead in the Lake District of England. The inn is still there and is named "The Drunken Duck." It's complete with a beautiful pub sign showing the ducks clothed in fitted woolen hand-knit garments. My wife and I have dined frequently in this charming pub, which, by the way, offers superb food. -- BRIAN KERR, PORT CHARLOTTE, FLA.
DEAR BRIAN: Some stories take on a life of their own. Thank you for setting the record straight. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The person who wrote and said the drunken geese story was first told in a book by Richard Brautigan should do more research.
The fact is, Jerry Clower told this story from 1957 until the day he died in 1997. I don't like it when people don't know what they are talking about. -- VERY UPSET IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR VERY UPSET: Neither do I. I wonder if Jerry had been to England.
Husband Gets His Dander Up When Wife Lets Secret Slip
DEAR ABBY: I have worn a hairpiece for about 15 years and have been at my present job for the past five. My toupee was expensive and it's not obvious. I have never told anyone at work that my full head of hair isn't natural.
Last weekend at a work-related social function, my wife astonished me by mentioning to a group of my co-workers over cocktails that I wear a hairpiece. After we left the party, I became angry with her for making this revelation, but she refused to accept why I was so upset.
Then my wife had the nerve to say, "Don't you think they already know you wear a toupee?" I told her I didn't think they had any idea, but that was beside the point. The important thing was that I felt she betrayed a confidence.
Now she wants to ask someone impartial whether or not she goofed -- so I'm asking you, Abby. Do you think she should have told my work associates about my toupee, and do you think I was wrong for getting upset with her? -- BLOWING MY TOP IN OHIO
DEAR BLOWING MY TOP: Your reaction was understandable. Some "secrets" are supposed to remain in the family. Your wife's indiscretion was cruel and uncalled for. It's as out of line as it would be for you to tell her friends she wears dentures and falsies -- she'd hit the roof.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Lonesome Teen in Riverside, Mo." I, too, have a 12-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. Their father and I divorced, and he left owing thousands of dollars in child support. My children had not heard from him in more than a month. When he finally did call, I got on the phone and made my point clear: Money was not an issue. I did not care where he was, or what kind of life he was living. I told him he needed to call his children once a week and tell them he loved them. I even said he could call collect. I emphasized that if there was ever an emergency, we needed to know we could communicate.
He sends no presents for Christmas and misses their birthdays, but since our conversation, he calls our children once a week.
My point: Kids are not little forever. They do not care if their father (or mother) has money or a nice job. They just want to talk to them and hear them say, "I love you." -- BEEN THERE IN IOWA
DEAR BEEN THERE: That's true. You're a terrific mother for getting that message across to your former spouse. Other absent parents can learn from you.
DEAR ABBY: After reading your letters about sleeping in the nude, I thought you might enjoy my poem. (Abby, I love your letters!) -- JEAN WELLS ROGERS, COLUMBUS, N.M.
DEAR JEAN: And I loved your poem! Readers, here it is:
OLD-TIMER'S BEDTIME
Here he comes, all ready for bed
Wearing nothing at all but a cap on his head.
Here am I -- my attire complete --
A smile on my face and sox on my feet.
We're old and we're wrinkled, but why should we mind?
We sleep like two trees -- our branches entwined.
Who needs pajamas and nighties so cute
When sleeping's the best in your birthday suit?
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WOMAN STRUGGLES TO COPE WITH TEEN RAPE, MISCARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "All Alone in Tucson, Ariz.," the 14-year-old girl who had a miscarriage and is afraid to tell her mother.
Just weeks before my 16th birthday, I was raped by a longtime friend. I found out I was pregnant when I had a miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving. That was 10 years ago. Like "All Alone," I told no one. It was the loneliest time in my life. I sought medical care, weathered the changes in my body and shouldered the painful loss all by myself.
To this day, my mother has no idea. I am now in therapy and learning to cope with what happened. It has been a slow process. I should have started 10 years ago.
I pray "All Alone" takes your advice. It can spare her years of confusion, loss and pain. Looking back, I wish I had spoken with an adult -- a teacher, clergyperson, a counselor -- anyone who had the life experience and compassion I desperately needed.
"All Alone" should join a support group either in her community or online. Pregnancy loss, no matter what the circumstances of conception, can be devastating. -- FINDING PEACE IN NEVADA
DEAR FINDING PEACE: That's true. I'm sorry you didn't call your local rape crisis hotline at the time of your assault. It might have saved you years of pain.
An excellent resource for parents grieving the loss of a baby through stillbirth, miscarriage or newborn death is a group called SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Inc. SHARE is a nondenominational, not-for-profit organization that provides grief resolution and healing following the death of a baby. It can be reached at SHARE, St. Joseph Health Center, 300 First Capitol Drive, St. Charles, MO 63301-2893; or call (800) 821-6819, or on the Internet at www.nationalshareoffice.com.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 17, I experienced the same thing "All Alone" did. The difference is, I did tell my mother, and she was extremely supportive.
My mother often quotes what my grandmother used to say: "God gives you only what you can handle." Abby, I live that philosophy. What Mom didn't know, but God did, was that I was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend. I was punched, screamed at and blamed for every bad thing that happened to him.
I am now 33, married to a wonderful man who loves me, and have two beautiful children whom I love with all my heart. My mom was right, "God gives you only what you can handle." -- BEEN THERE IN INDIANA
DEAR BEEN THERE: I share that philosophy, and I'm pleased your story had a happy ending. However, no teen should remain in an abusive relationship out of fear or intimidation. I advise younger readers who may be in an abusive relationship to seek help from a trusted adult. If none is available, the National Hope Hotline for Youth Crisis and Suicide, (800) 784-2433, will listen and refer teens in trouble to local agencies.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)