What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband Gets His Dander Up When Wife Lets Secret Slip
DEAR ABBY: I have worn a hairpiece for about 15 years and have been at my present job for the past five. My toupee was expensive and it's not obvious. I have never told anyone at work that my full head of hair isn't natural.
Last weekend at a work-related social function, my wife astonished me by mentioning to a group of my co-workers over cocktails that I wear a hairpiece. After we left the party, I became angry with her for making this revelation, but she refused to accept why I was so upset.
Then my wife had the nerve to say, "Don't you think they already know you wear a toupee?" I told her I didn't think they had any idea, but that was beside the point. The important thing was that I felt she betrayed a confidence.
Now she wants to ask someone impartial whether or not she goofed -- so I'm asking you, Abby. Do you think she should have told my work associates about my toupee, and do you think I was wrong for getting upset with her? -- BLOWING MY TOP IN OHIO
DEAR BLOWING MY TOP: Your reaction was understandable. Some "secrets" are supposed to remain in the family. Your wife's indiscretion was cruel and uncalled for. It's as out of line as it would be for you to tell her friends she wears dentures and falsies -- she'd hit the roof.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Lonesome Teen in Riverside, Mo." I, too, have a 12-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. Their father and I divorced, and he left owing thousands of dollars in child support. My children had not heard from him in more than a month. When he finally did call, I got on the phone and made my point clear: Money was not an issue. I did not care where he was, or what kind of life he was living. I told him he needed to call his children once a week and tell them he loved them. I even said he could call collect. I emphasized that if there was ever an emergency, we needed to know we could communicate.
He sends no presents for Christmas and misses their birthdays, but since our conversation, he calls our children once a week.
My point: Kids are not little forever. They do not care if their father (or mother) has money or a nice job. They just want to talk to them and hear them say, "I love you." -- BEEN THERE IN IOWA
DEAR BEEN THERE: That's true. You're a terrific mother for getting that message across to your former spouse. Other absent parents can learn from you.
DEAR ABBY: After reading your letters about sleeping in the nude, I thought you might enjoy my poem. (Abby, I love your letters!) -- JEAN WELLS ROGERS, COLUMBUS, N.M.
DEAR JEAN: And I loved your poem! Readers, here it is:
OLD-TIMER'S BEDTIME
Here he comes, all ready for bed
Wearing nothing at all but a cap on his head.
Here am I -- my attire complete --
A smile on my face and sox on my feet.
We're old and we're wrinkled, but why should we mind?
We sleep like two trees -- our branches entwined.
Who needs pajamas and nighties so cute
When sleeping's the best in your birthday suit?
WOMAN STRUGGLES TO COPE WITH TEEN RAPE, MISCARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "All Alone in Tucson, Ariz.," the 14-year-old girl who had a miscarriage and is afraid to tell her mother.
Just weeks before my 16th birthday, I was raped by a longtime friend. I found out I was pregnant when I had a miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving. That was 10 years ago. Like "All Alone," I told no one. It was the loneliest time in my life. I sought medical care, weathered the changes in my body and shouldered the painful loss all by myself.
To this day, my mother has no idea. I am now in therapy and learning to cope with what happened. It has been a slow process. I should have started 10 years ago.
I pray "All Alone" takes your advice. It can spare her years of confusion, loss and pain. Looking back, I wish I had spoken with an adult -- a teacher, clergyperson, a counselor -- anyone who had the life experience and compassion I desperately needed.
"All Alone" should join a support group either in her community or online. Pregnancy loss, no matter what the circumstances of conception, can be devastating. -- FINDING PEACE IN NEVADA
DEAR FINDING PEACE: That's true. I'm sorry you didn't call your local rape crisis hotline at the time of your assault. It might have saved you years of pain.
An excellent resource for parents grieving the loss of a baby through stillbirth, miscarriage or newborn death is a group called SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Inc. SHARE is a nondenominational, not-for-profit organization that provides grief resolution and healing following the death of a baby. It can be reached at SHARE, St. Joseph Health Center, 300 First Capitol Drive, St. Charles, MO 63301-2893; or call (800) 821-6819, or on the Internet at www.nationalshareoffice.com.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 17, I experienced the same thing "All Alone" did. The difference is, I did tell my mother, and she was extremely supportive.
My mother often quotes what my grandmother used to say: "God gives you only what you can handle." Abby, I live that philosophy. What Mom didn't know, but God did, was that I was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend. I was punched, screamed at and blamed for every bad thing that happened to him.
I am now 33, married to a wonderful man who loves me, and have two beautiful children whom I love with all my heart. My mom was right, "God gives you only what you can handle." -- BEEN THERE IN INDIANA
DEAR BEEN THERE: I share that philosophy, and I'm pleased your story had a happy ending. However, no teen should remain in an abusive relationship out of fear or intimidation. I advise younger readers who may be in an abusive relationship to seek help from a trusted adult. If none is available, the National Hope Hotline for Youth Crisis and Suicide, (800) 784-2433, will listen and refer teens in trouble to local agencies.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teen Concealing Miscarriage Must Reach Out for Support
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "All Alone in Tucson, Ariz.," who is 14 and had a miscarriage. I had a similar experience. I, too, began having sex at an early age. It caused a lot of problems I am still dealing with in adulthood.
Sex is not fun and games. It can ruin your self-esteem faster than a speeding bullet. Once you lose your self-esteem, it can take years to get back.
Also, having sex without regular visits to a gynecologist can jeopardize your fertility. In other words, when you finally find a man who deserves you, you may not be able to get pregnant. That's what happened to me, and it is heartbreaking.
I hope "All Alone" gets to a doctor and resolves her issues with her mother. They need to talk. It's important that she tell her mother that she needs her guidance. Boys come and go, but the mother-daughter bond lasts forever. -- FINDING MY WAY BACK IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR FINDING: I'm sorry you have to learn these life lessons the hard way. I hope "All Alone" will learn from your experience and take your advice. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: We mothers need to remind ourselves that when our daughters are teen-agers, it's not important whether their room is neat or what kinds of clothes they wear. It's more important that they know we care for them -- that we'll always be there for them no matter what happens in life. Many times mothers are the primary source of support and love. We must fulfill that role.
The only thing "All Alone" wants is the assurance that someone cares for her unconditionally. She wanted love from the boy who shunned her, from the child she lost, and from the mother she feels will "kill" her when she finds out she was having sex.
A mother's job is not so much to teach a child how to make a bed, study hard, or even not to have sex before marriage, as much as it must be to love her child, make sure he or she knows it every day, and to teach the child to love him or herself. If a mother can do these things, the child will be empowered to live life in a positive way. -- A MOTHER WHO LEARNED IN TIME
DEAR MOTHER: You have said it beautifully.
DEAR ABBY: You should have told "All Alone" that there are helpful agencies like Planned Parenthood that provide help for teen-agers without requiring legal consent of an adult. Not only can they provide medical attention to ensure that "All Alone" is safe and can have children in the future, but they provide the emotional support and peer counseling necessary to give her confidence and renewed self-esteem.
In an ideal world, parents would all be approachable and helpful in a crisis. If they were, perhaps there would be no crisis. Since an ideal world doesn't exist, helpful agencies do -- thank God. -- TEEN ADVOCATE IN NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR TEEN ADVOCATE: I'm glad you wrote. I have long been a supporter of Planned Parenthood, which offers a full range of reproductive health services for both men and women, including premarital blood testing, contraceptive services, prenatal care and counseling -- to name only a few.
Tomorrow I'll share more of the letters I have received from young women who identified with "All Alone's" experience.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)