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Wife's Mother Is Accomplice in Husband's Desertion Scheme
DEAR ABBY: My husband of eight years went to work a couple of weeks ago and never came home. He put a card under a friend's door saying he wasn't coming back.
When I sorted through the belongings he had left behind, I found a "good luck" card from my mother to him and more than $1,000 worth of money order receipts. We had planned to move to Reno in April when we had enough money saved. However, according to some of the letters I found, my husband never intended to take me with him to Reno -- and my mother knew it.
I am extremely hurt and feel betrayed by this turn of events. Abby, should I confront my mother about this? -- BETRAYED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR BETRAYED: Your feelings are valid -- you were betrayed by the two people you trusted the most. By all means confront your mother. You deserve some answers. Sadly, you married a cowardly scoundrel, and your mother appears to have aided and abetted him.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-something single woman whose best friend happens to be male. I'll call him David. David just became engaged and wants me to be part of the wedding party, so he asked his fiancee, "Tiffany," to include me as one of her bridesmaids. Tiffany has a close male friend whom she wants to be one of David's groomsmen.
I would prefer to stand next to David to show my support for his marriage. Perhaps Tiffany's male friend and I should switch places and stand beside our respective friends. If we do this, would I wear a dress like the bridesmaids, or would I wear a tuxedo like the groomsmen?
Please check with your wedding experts and clue me in, Abby. -- THE GROOM'S BEST BUD IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR BEST BUD: Although a woman can serve as "best man," it's important to remember that David did not ask you to be his best man or a groomsman. He and his fiancee asked you to be a bridesmaid.
You would be wise to defer to the wishes of the bride and groom regarding your attire and where you will stand during the ceremony.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 14 and the kind of young lady every mother dreams of having. She is respectful, considerate, loving, behaves well, and is a good student.
My dilemma is whether or not I should pay her to do chores even if she doesn't do a good job. She has never been motivated by money, but asks for things all the time.
I've told her that if she would do a better job with her chores, I'd reward her with spending money. She's such a good kid, I feel as though she deserves to be rewarded, but I also want her to learn that she must do a good job if she wants to be paid. That's the way it will be when she's out in the world, so I'd like her to learn that lesson now. Any pointers would be appreciated, Abby. -- KIM FROM THE WINDY CITY
DEAR KIM: Stick to your guns. Children should learn the value of completing tasks properly. The old saying, "A job worth doing is worth doing well," holds true. It's a lesson that will benefit her for the rest of her life.
The Hills Are Alive ... With the Sound of Creaking Bones
DEAR ABBY: The year 2002 is a palindrome. We had the last one in 1991, and the next one will be in 2112. Very few of us living today will experience that one.
My wife and I now reside in a retirement community. While we are seniors, none of us is ready to "graduate" quite yet. We have met many wonderful people here and made many new friends.
There have been rumors circulating that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Among her selections was a song from "The Sound of Music," "My Favorite Things." She altered the lyrics to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to that famous melody:
"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
"Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
"Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
"Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
"Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"When the pipes leak,
"When the bones creak,
"When the knees go bad,
"I simply remember my favorite things,
"And then I don't feel so bad.
"Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
"No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
"Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
"Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
"More of the pleasures advancing age brings --
"When we remember our favorite things.
"When the joints ache, when the hips break,
"When the eyes grow dim,
"I simply remember the great life I've had,
"And then I don't feel ... so bad!"
-- DEAN BUNN, BROOKLYN CENTER, MINN.
DEAR DEAN: The rewritten lyrics are a hoot, but I doubt that Julie Andrews ever warbled them. Fortunately, today medical science has provided us with solutions to many of the physical problems that used to be associated with aging. We know so much more than we used to about the benefits of preventive medicine, and because of that knowledge, advancing age no longer guarantees infirmity.
DEAR ABBY: I am a newlywed. My husband, "Max," is kind, caring, attractive and compassionate. However, he does one thing that hurts my feelings.
When we make love, he wants me to shout out names of other women and describe their physical attributes. Max says he needs me to do this in order for him to make love to me.
I know Max loves me very much and sees no harm in doing this, but I find it humiliating. Any suggestions? -- NO NAME IN NEW YORK
DEAR NO NAME: Humiliating? I would think you would find it distracting. One of the first things a sex therapist would tell you is that people are responsible for their own sexual fulfillment. Have you tried shouting out, "Brad!" "George!" "Matt!" "Tom!" "Russell!" etc.? What's good for the gander might also be spice for the goose.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Young Girl's Schedule Leaves Her With No Time of Her Own
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old, and my life is so complicated I don't know what to do. I am tired and have no time to spend with family and friends.
My weekly after-school schedule:
Monday -- advanced math school
Tuesday -- ice skating
Wednesday -- advanced math school
Thursday -- gymnastics
Friday -- piano lessons
Saturday -- soccer
Sunday -- math homework
Abby, I have at least five extremely hard homework assignments to do every night in addition to those given in the advanced math school. Please help a girl in need! -- NICOLE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR NICOLE: It appears a compromise is in order. If you haven't already talked to your parents about this, you should do so. If that doesn't help, then you need to enlist the help of a teacher, clergyperson or some other respected adult who can help your parents understand that they have you so tightly scheduled you have no time left for a childhood. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have observed something that is taking place all across the country. Whenever a child becomes involved in any kind of team sport (soccer, T-ball, etc.), he or she may be invited to join a "traveling team."
These traveling teams spend many hours commuting to and from their out-of-town games and meets, spending time on the highway that could be better used in imaginative play, reading, homework, or building relationships and memories with their families and friends.
Many times these long-distance games are held on school nights, resulting in late-night returns, with too little time left for homework or sufficient sleep.
I've known a first-grade girl involved in cheerleading who attended a five-day "national competition" in another state and missed school to do it. This is a girl who, because of poor performance, needed every day of school she could get.
Abby, please ask parents to consider carefully how they deal with children's sports and activities. When some overeager coach or starry-eyed parent approaches with the idea for traveling teams and national competitions for the kids, have the guts to say no. -- KIDS' FRIEND IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR KIDS' FRIEND: Although many team sports offer the chance for bonding and camaraderie, as well as developing teamwork skills, too many parents become so fixated on success that they lose sight of what is important. Above all, they should be certain that their children want to participate in the sports they're being signed up for.
DEAR ABBY: I identified strongly with the letters from readers who graduated from college at an advanced age. Most were between 35 and 45 when they graduated.
When I graduated from high school, I was ranked 150 out of a class of 152. However, at age 59, I graduated in 1990 from Baldwin-Wallace College with a 3.79 grade point average. Even at 59, I was able to advance in my work, and eventually earned $75,000 a year by the time I retired at age 71.
Which goes to show you that it's never too late. -- ESTELLE IN LAKEWOOD, OHIO
DEAR ESTELLE: That's true. I'm a firm believer in happy endings. Your letter is sure to inspire more late bloomers that it's never too late to achieve one's dreams.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)