For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
The Hills Are Alive ... With the Sound of Creaking Bones
DEAR ABBY: The year 2002 is a palindrome. We had the last one in 1991, and the next one will be in 2112. Very few of us living today will experience that one.
My wife and I now reside in a retirement community. While we are seniors, none of us is ready to "graduate" quite yet. We have met many wonderful people here and made many new friends.
There have been rumors circulating that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Among her selections was a song from "The Sound of Music," "My Favorite Things." She altered the lyrics to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to that famous melody:
"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
"Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
"Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
"Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
"Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"When the pipes leak,
"When the bones creak,
"When the knees go bad,
"I simply remember my favorite things,
"And then I don't feel so bad.
"Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
"No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
"Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
"These are a few of my favorite things.
"Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
"Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
"More of the pleasures advancing age brings --
"When we remember our favorite things.
"When the joints ache, when the hips break,
"When the eyes grow dim,
"I simply remember the great life I've had,
"And then I don't feel ... so bad!"
-- DEAN BUNN, BROOKLYN CENTER, MINN.
DEAR DEAN: The rewritten lyrics are a hoot, but I doubt that Julie Andrews ever warbled them. Fortunately, today medical science has provided us with solutions to many of the physical problems that used to be associated with aging. We know so much more than we used to about the benefits of preventive medicine, and because of that knowledge, advancing age no longer guarantees infirmity.
DEAR ABBY: I am a newlywed. My husband, "Max," is kind, caring, attractive and compassionate. However, he does one thing that hurts my feelings.
When we make love, he wants me to shout out names of other women and describe their physical attributes. Max says he needs me to do this in order for him to make love to me.
I know Max loves me very much and sees no harm in doing this, but I find it humiliating. Any suggestions? -- NO NAME IN NEW YORK
DEAR NO NAME: Humiliating? I would think you would find it distracting. One of the first things a sex therapist would tell you is that people are responsible for their own sexual fulfillment. Have you tried shouting out, "Brad!" "George!" "Matt!" "Tom!" "Russell!" etc.? What's good for the gander might also be spice for the goose.
Young Girl's Schedule Leaves Her With No Time of Her Own
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old, and my life is so complicated I don't know what to do. I am tired and have no time to spend with family and friends.
My weekly after-school schedule:
Monday -- advanced math school
Tuesday -- ice skating
Wednesday -- advanced math school
Thursday -- gymnastics
Friday -- piano lessons
Saturday -- soccer
Sunday -- math homework
Abby, I have at least five extremely hard homework assignments to do every night in addition to those given in the advanced math school. Please help a girl in need! -- NICOLE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR NICOLE: It appears a compromise is in order. If you haven't already talked to your parents about this, you should do so. If that doesn't help, then you need to enlist the help of a teacher, clergyperson or some other respected adult who can help your parents understand that they have you so tightly scheduled you have no time left for a childhood. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have observed something that is taking place all across the country. Whenever a child becomes involved in any kind of team sport (soccer, T-ball, etc.), he or she may be invited to join a "traveling team."
These traveling teams spend many hours commuting to and from their out-of-town games and meets, spending time on the highway that could be better used in imaginative play, reading, homework, or building relationships and memories with their families and friends.
Many times these long-distance games are held on school nights, resulting in late-night returns, with too little time left for homework or sufficient sleep.
I've known a first-grade girl involved in cheerleading who attended a five-day "national competition" in another state and missed school to do it. This is a girl who, because of poor performance, needed every day of school she could get.
Abby, please ask parents to consider carefully how they deal with children's sports and activities. When some overeager coach or starry-eyed parent approaches with the idea for traveling teams and national competitions for the kids, have the guts to say no. -- KIDS' FRIEND IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR KIDS' FRIEND: Although many team sports offer the chance for bonding and camaraderie, as well as developing teamwork skills, too many parents become so fixated on success that they lose sight of what is important. Above all, they should be certain that their children want to participate in the sports they're being signed up for.
DEAR ABBY: I identified strongly with the letters from readers who graduated from college at an advanced age. Most were between 35 and 45 when they graduated.
When I graduated from high school, I was ranked 150 out of a class of 152. However, at age 59, I graduated in 1990 from Baldwin-Wallace College with a 3.79 grade point average. Even at 59, I was able to advance in my work, and eventually earned $75,000 a year by the time I retired at age 71.
Which goes to show you that it's never too late. -- ESTELLE IN LAKEWOOD, OHIO
DEAR ESTELLE: That's true. I'm a firm believer in happy endings. Your letter is sure to inspire more late bloomers that it's never too late to achieve one's dreams.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Encounter Between Dog, Child Isn't Always Walk in the Park
DEAR ABBY: Many cities have set aside land for use as "dog parks." They are designed to be open places where dog owners can let their pets off leash to run free.
Last Saturday, a woman brought her 18-month-old son into the dog park. Several of us suggested to her that it wasn't a good idea to let her toddler wander free among 20-plus strange dogs. She said he had been knocked down several times by their own dog, and always got up and laughed and chased after the dog.
I am glad their family dog is child-friendly. My dog is not. Children's quick movements, high-pitched squeals and tendency to hit, poke and grab all scare my dog.
Abby, a dog park is designed to allow dogs the opportunity to run free and socialize with other dogs. What might happen in an encounter between a child and the wrong dog terrifies me. Please pass on this request to parents: If you bring your dog to the dog park, leave your babies at home -- or at least keep them close to you and away from the dogs. -- CHILD AND DOG LOVER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR C & D LOVER: Your letter may avert a tragedy. A wise parent will remember that not all dogs are friendly and will closely supervise a dog's encounter with a child until the parent is certain that both the child and the dog can be trusted.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday for the first time in years, I stopped at a yard sale. As I approached, a man was examining a Colt model 1911 .45-caliber handgun. He waved it around, pointing it at everything in sight.
I asked the owner if the gun was unloaded. "Sure is," he said. "The clip is safely in my pocket." When it was my turn to look at the gun, I pulled the slide back and out popped a live round. I'll never forget the look of horror on the faces of the owner and the man who had been waving the gun.
I don't know what made me stop at that yard sale, but I feel if I hadn't, the gun would have eventually fired and perhaps someone would have been killed.
Abby, I have never felt outlawing guns is the answer. Education is. -- CLOSE CALL IN YUMA, ARIZ.
DEAR CLOSE CALL: I agree. That, and trigger locks and background checks.
CONFIDENTIAL TO BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: You say you don't believe in divorce. The relationship you have described is not a marriage. One of the first signs of abuse is isolating the victim so that he or she has no one to turn to. Control -- withholding money or freedom -- is another warning sign of abuse.
It's understandable that you pray to die, but there is help. As soon as you can find a few minutes away from your abuser, you MUST call (800) 799-7233. It's the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The counselor can direct you in devising a safe escape plan for you and your children.
Let today be the day you flee toward a life worth living. Do it for yourself and for your children.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)