To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Smokers' Final Resting Place Is Surrounded by Old Friends
DEAR ABBY: I think the poster idea for an anti-smoking campaign is fantastic. For a number of years I've had my own idea for a poster:
Imagine a cemetery arch with these words written across the top: "WELCOME TO MARLBORO COUNTRY." In the background would be headstones. One reads "Virginia Slims," another reads "Joe Camel," then there's "Paul Mall."
What do you think about this idea of mine, Abby? -- EX-SMOKER WHO GOT SMART
DEAR EX-SMOKER: Anything that gets the message out would be a public service. How about additional headstones in the background engraved "Chester Fields," "Philip Morris" and "Benson Hedges"? Like smoking, it would take your breath away.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I built a house next door to his parents 35 years ago. The four of us farmed the land we were on. About the time we started having children, my in-laws' health went downhill. We took care of them until they went home to God. My husband was an only child, so everything went to him.
Now our children are grown and have their own places, except one son. For five years, he and his wife and young son have lived rent-free in the home of my deceased in-laws. Our daughter-in-law is demanding that we deed the house and some land to them, or they will move and we will never be allowed to see our grandson.
She told my husband that we did not work for the house and land he inherited. I'm sorry, but my husband was a loving son who took good care of his parents. It was never for the land. Not once did he demand anything from his folks. He always believed, "Honor thy father and thy mother."
Our son goes along with his wife and insists they will move and take their little boy away from us. My husband says no decent person would use a child in this way. He says to let them go, and if they make demands one more time, he will pack them up and move them out himself -- then burn down the house.
I'm afraid of what might happen, Abby. Please help me handle this. -- SCARED TENNESSEE GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I don't agree with his methods, but your husband is absolutely right about not giving in to blackmail.
P.S. Try to persuade your husband not to torch the house. It might come in handy for visiting guests or even seasonal help on the farm.
DEAR ABBY: I am 21 years old and my boyfriend, "Donnie," is 34. I have three kids and he has four. We have become very close over the three months we have been dating. We don't spend much quality time together, and I have a hard time talking about my feelings with him. I didn't plan on falling in love with Donnie -- it just happened.
The problem is my family doesn't approve of him. After all, he is still legally married to my cousin "Dixie" -- but they've been separated four years. The three kids I have are from his cousin "Dennis." What should I do? -- IN LOVE BY MYSELF
DEAR IN LOVE: You say you have fallen in love with your cousin's husband and your complaint is you spend little quality time together and can't confide in him? It's time to end this "family affair" and come back to reality. "Separated" does not mean divorced. The man is married.
Making Smoking Uncool Is Challenge for Ad Campaigns
DEAR ABBY: This is in reply to the 81-year-old woman who proposed creating an anti-smoking poster with two healthy sisters on each side of the unhealthy sister who smoked. It won't work!
I'm 20, and if I saw a poster of an elderly woman dying of lung cancer, I would scoff at the message. I would be sympathetic, but I would think, "I'm young. I'll NEVER be like that." However, if I met someone in his late teens or early 20s who had lung cancer, it would be a different story.
I propose sending teens who are ex-smokers to schools with their stories. Not just junior and high schools, but elementary schools, too. I recently quit smoking. (I was in third grade when I started.) I now work in a school. Every day I wonder which students smoke or drink. I wish I could make a difference. If you know of an organization looking for young adults like me to tell their stories -– please let me know. –- CHRIS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CHRIS: The problem with your proposal is that tobacco-related cancers usually take years to develop. The chances of a high school student meeting a contemporary with cancer of the mouth, throat, lung, pancreas, cervix, kidney or bladder are slim. However, every year a person smokes, the more deeply addicted he or she becomes.
P.S. I'd be interested in knowing why you finally quit. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thirteen-year-old kids don't care about 81-year-old cancer patients on oxygen tanks. When I was 13, I had two adjectives for everything –- "cool" and "uncool." When you're 13, you're never going to be 81 or have cancer. Being uncool is the real danger!
Ad campaigns directed at teens pound the health issue to death, but kids tune them out. Cigarettes are cool precisely because they are unhealthy and disreputable. The anti-smoking ads must improve. Somewhere there must be some principled, highly intelligent people with the media savvy to gradually make smoking uncool. Things will not change otherwise.
Advertising agencies with a conscience –- graphic designers with a cause –- tastemakers with a point of view: Are you reading this carefully? –- LOSING MY COOL IN L.A.
DEAR LOSING MY COOL: Don't give up hope. I'm sure there are creative people out there who care as much as we do.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a lifelong smoker. She is dying from lung cancer. The bravest thing she has ever done is share her story with high school students. She makes no bones about her future. If her story prevents one kid from starting to smoke, she'll feel she has done something good with her life. –- P.T. IN ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR P.T.: Please accept my sympathy for your mother's terminal illness. She's a courageous woman to share her story in the hope it will save others.
DEAR ABBY: My deceased dad had the good grace to write a statement to be read at his funeral admitting that smoking is a killer, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. –- M.L. IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR M.L.: My condolences to you for the loss of your father. He told it like it was.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are in our 40s. Upon reading the letter from the 81-year-old woman, we both decided we wanted to be healthy and active in our retirement years. We quit smoking on the spot! –- GRATEFUL IN WOODSTOCK
DEAR GRATEFUL: Yippee! A double victory! Your letter made my day.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
PICTURES OF MAN'S EX-WIFE HAUNT HIS GRIEVING WIDOW
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Tom," had a heart attack and died six months ago. I was his second wife. He was married to his first wife, "Becky," for seven years before their divorce. They split up because Becky found someone who made more money. Five years later, Tom married me. We had seven happy years together. There were no children in either marriage.
It took a month before I felt strong enough to go through Tom's personal belongings. He owned one wallet. Sadly, there were no pictures of me in his wallet, even though we had studio portraits taken together on two occasions and I had given him wallet-sized prints.
What I did find hidden in his wallet were two small snapshots of Tom and Becky, taken when they were newlyweds. I was stunned. In all the years we were married, if Becky's name was mentioned, Tom made nothing but negative remarks about her.
I feel certain they were not having an affair, but I can't help but wonder if Tom still loved her. Whenever I ask anyone, the person tells me what I want to hear -– that the fact he could never say a kind word about Becky proves that he loved me. Abby, what are your thoughts on this? Please be straight with me. -– HURTING IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HURTING: OK. There are many reasons why people keep souvenirs. It doesn't always mean that the person is carrying a torch. It's possible that your husband carried the old snapshots to remind him how lucky he was to have you in his life instead of the woman he had trusted who had caused him so much pain.
I know it's convoluted thinking, but since Tom is no longer here to explain it, please hold a good thought. I'm sure the pictures had nothing to do with his feelings about you, with whom he spent seven happy years.
P.S. Wouldn't it be ironic if the pictures were there because Tom never bothered to clean out his wallet?
DEAR ABBY: As a first-time writer who loves your column, I am desperate for your advice.
I am 31, and for the past seven years have been married to a man I dearly love. We adopted two wonderful children who have made my life complete. Every day I thank God for the miracle he has given me by sending these precious little ones to us.
The problem I'm facing now seems insurmountable: My husband no longer wants to work. He was working before we adopted the kids, but now he won't stay on a job more than a few weeks at a time.
I love my children too much to put them through the heartache of doing without –- and I don't want them growing up with their dad as this kind of role model.
As much as I love my husband, I am at the point of asking him to leave. Would it be wrong for me to do that, Abby? –- ON THE BRINK IN KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C.
DEAR ON THE BRINK: Before doing anything drastic, consider this: Your husband could be ill, depressed or drug-dependent. Insist he see his physician for a complete physical exam –- and possibly counseling to explain his sudden change in behavior.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)