For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. I am very uncomfortable with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls have become the aggressors.
Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.
How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? -- OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know she's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.
(1) Be friendly.
(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.
(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know it.
(4) If you want to see him outside of school, ask him to join you and a group of your friends. It will take the pressure off.
Last, if you think you're alone in having this problem, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding a letter from "Regretful in Springfield," who said she would have married "Todd" if he had only let her know how he felt. Her mother revealed on her deathbed that Todd had left the state on "Regretful's" wedding day because "Texas wasn't big enough to hold his grief."
He probably told her mom believing the way to the calf is through the cow, thinking she would tell her daughter. Unfortunately, many of us are too trusting and indirect. Believe me, the best way to get a message across is to deliver it yourself and not count on someone else to do it for you. Leave nothing to chance. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, LAKE WALES, FLA.
DEAR BT/DT: You're 100 percent right. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Regretful" could have stepped up and asked Todd, the shy guy, out for a cup of coffee. (How simple!) This somewhat current -- in the scope of modern history -- mostly American habit of women playing coy rarely works out well.
I believe that a woman waiting for her knight on a white horse is a stupid fantasy that has been sold to us by the entertainment industry for the last 75 years. Someone once said: "Where are all the nice men? Well, they're usually standing right next to you."
I have talked to many senior citizens, in particular senior women. I always asked them the same question: "Did you court or somehow 'go after' your husband"? About 75 percent of these women admitted they had made the first move to get their man's attention -- dropping by the pond where they fished, or asking them about their job or family.
Abby, I have had two women tell me they had a crush on me in high school, and yet these same two women dated only popular athletes. I don't remember either of those beautiful girls looking my way. If women want to miss out on the "shy guy" and continue to date the wolves out there, it's very easy -- just continue doing nothing. Nice guys are everywhere. -- ROBERT IN CARLSBAD, CALIF.
DEAR ROBERT: Well said. To which I add: If nice guys would simply look around instead of focusing solely on their own insecurities, they might discover they have a host of admirers.
In Laws Blame Son's Wife for Keeping His Distance
DEAR ABBY: Last year I took time from work to assist my mother-in-law who was facing surgery in another state. During my visit, her next-door neighbor told me my visit was a "positive sign." When I asked what he meant, he said my in-laws had told him that I had kept their son from visiting and having a relationship with them since we married more than 15 years ago.
Abby, I was stunned! The truth is, my husband calls or visits his mother only when I insist on it. I have even dialed their number and put the phone in his hand so he HAD to talk to them. He feels closer to my family and enjoys the time we spend with them.
I told my husband what the neighbor said. He dismissed it and said his parents are just unhappy people. Abby, should I tell my in-laws the truth, or let them continue to believe I am responsible for driving a wedge between their son and them? -- PUZZLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Blaming you for the distance between them and their son may be an easier pill to swallow than placing the blame where it belongs. However, I see nothing to be gained by telling them "the truth" at this late date. They probably wouldn't believe you if you did.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about the college student whose grandmother blatantly favored her other grandchildren, yet expected him to do chores around her house. I loved the irony of the woman who responded. She said her mother was also treated badly, but the grandmother left her entire fortune to them. There's no cash inheritance in my life, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for any amount of money.
My mother was the child of a failed first marriage. I realized when my grandmother died that she had never told my mom or me that she loved us. At her funeral, I heard stories from my half-cousins of hugs, kisses, declarations of love, shopping trips, lunches and sleep-overs. In my entire life, she took me to lunch and shopping once. Period.
Through my mother's love and assurance, I realized the problem was my grandmother's, not mine. More important, I learned from my mother's example:
(1) Tell your family often that you love them.
(2) Forgive and forget; don't hold a grudge.
(3) Tell the truth with love and tact.
(4) Treat people with respect and kindness -- even when it isn't returned.
(5) Your grandmother can be a bitter, hateful woman, but you don't have to follow in her footsteps.
(6) Life isn't always fair, but it can be wonderful in spite of it.
Abby, I am grateful that I carefully watched my grandmother when I was growing up because I learned at a young age what I did NOT want to be. -- KAREN IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR KAREN: You are an intelligent woman who was able to take a bitter lesson and turn it into a growth experience. Most people are not so wise. I commend you for it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Internet Fantasies May Have Real Life Consequences
DEAR ABBY: I found out that my mom has been exchanging e-mail love letters with a man from out of state. I know because she had been staying up until 2 and 3 a.m. on the computer. I did a little detective work and found the letters. They talked about meeting and how much they love each other.
Mom uses a fake name and has told this guy numerous lies about her life. She's portraying herself as a young, pretty girl when she's really a 53-year-old frumpy housewife. The man is married with two kids; Mom has been married for 30 years and has three kids and two grandchildren. She is seriously addicted to the Internet and has been sneaking around to get on it. I found out she also calls this guy.
I know personally how addictive the Internet can be. It can ruin your life by making infidelity easier. I don't know if I should confront her. Please help. I'm desperate for advice. -- DAUGHTER IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR DAUGHTER: Talk to your mother in confidence. Apologize for snooping and tell her what you have discovered. Ask her what she would do if your father were to find out what has been going on. If she has been spending so much time on the computer that it aroused your suspicions, it would be interesting to know what your father is thinking. She needs to consider if her creative writing is worth jeopardizing her marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Disillusioned in Clarksville" about the flake she married after meeting him on the Internet, I want to let you know that sometimes meeting someone on the Internet DOES work out. I met my husband online.
I wanted to chat with people all over the world. The Internet was new to me, and I thought it was a great way to talk to people everywhere, all at the same time. I wasn't looking for romance. We met when he was in the Marine Corps in California and I was living in New York. We hit it off from the start. It was almost "love at first talk." We met online in July 1998 and in person in late November of that year. We were married the following month and just celebrated our third anniversary.
He is everything I could ever want in a man, and so much more. God bless the U.S. Marines. (They do laundry, iron and clean!) -- IZABELA IN SCIOTA, PA.
DEAR IZABELA: Now that's a ringing endorsement. May you enjoy many more years of happiness together.
The Internet is a wonderful tool. Although a decade ago people were predicting it would replace letters, telephones and malls, those predictions were a bit premature. For the foreseeable future, they will all co-exist together.
As for meeting people online, the same precautions should be observed as for meeting people through a personal ad, at a nightclub or a gym. The dating game is both a gambol and a gamble. Take your time. Check the facts. Caveat emptor (Let the buyer beware). The person can turn out to be a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking or the jewel of a lifetime.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)