For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
In Laws Blame Son's Wife for Keeping His Distance
DEAR ABBY: Last year I took time from work to assist my mother-in-law who was facing surgery in another state. During my visit, her next-door neighbor told me my visit was a "positive sign." When I asked what he meant, he said my in-laws had told him that I had kept their son from visiting and having a relationship with them since we married more than 15 years ago.
Abby, I was stunned! The truth is, my husband calls or visits his mother only when I insist on it. I have even dialed their number and put the phone in his hand so he HAD to talk to them. He feels closer to my family and enjoys the time we spend with them.
I told my husband what the neighbor said. He dismissed it and said his parents are just unhappy people. Abby, should I tell my in-laws the truth, or let them continue to believe I am responsible for driving a wedge between their son and them? -- PUZZLED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Blaming you for the distance between them and their son may be an easier pill to swallow than placing the blame where it belongs. However, I see nothing to be gained by telling them "the truth" at this late date. They probably wouldn't believe you if you did.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter about the college student whose grandmother blatantly favored her other grandchildren, yet expected him to do chores around her house. I loved the irony of the woman who responded. She said her mother was also treated badly, but the grandmother left her entire fortune to them. There's no cash inheritance in my life, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for any amount of money.
My mother was the child of a failed first marriage. I realized when my grandmother died that she had never told my mom or me that she loved us. At her funeral, I heard stories from my half-cousins of hugs, kisses, declarations of love, shopping trips, lunches and sleep-overs. In my entire life, she took me to lunch and shopping once. Period.
Through my mother's love and assurance, I realized the problem was my grandmother's, not mine. More important, I learned from my mother's example:
(1) Tell your family often that you love them.
(2) Forgive and forget; don't hold a grudge.
(3) Tell the truth with love and tact.
(4) Treat people with respect and kindness -- even when it isn't returned.
(5) Your grandmother can be a bitter, hateful woman, but you don't have to follow in her footsteps.
(6) Life isn't always fair, but it can be wonderful in spite of it.
Abby, I am grateful that I carefully watched my grandmother when I was growing up because I learned at a young age what I did NOT want to be. -- KAREN IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR KAREN: You are an intelligent woman who was able to take a bitter lesson and turn it into a growth experience. Most people are not so wise. I commend you for it.
Mom's Internet Fantasies May Have Real Life Consequences
DEAR ABBY: I found out that my mom has been exchanging e-mail love letters with a man from out of state. I know because she had been staying up until 2 and 3 a.m. on the computer. I did a little detective work and found the letters. They talked about meeting and how much they love each other.
Mom uses a fake name and has told this guy numerous lies about her life. She's portraying herself as a young, pretty girl when she's really a 53-year-old frumpy housewife. The man is married with two kids; Mom has been married for 30 years and has three kids and two grandchildren. She is seriously addicted to the Internet and has been sneaking around to get on it. I found out she also calls this guy.
I know personally how addictive the Internet can be. It can ruin your life by making infidelity easier. I don't know if I should confront her. Please help. I'm desperate for advice. -- DAUGHTER IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR DAUGHTER: Talk to your mother in confidence. Apologize for snooping and tell her what you have discovered. Ask her what she would do if your father were to find out what has been going on. If she has been spending so much time on the computer that it aroused your suspicions, it would be interesting to know what your father is thinking. She needs to consider if her creative writing is worth jeopardizing her marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Disillusioned in Clarksville" about the flake she married after meeting him on the Internet, I want to let you know that sometimes meeting someone on the Internet DOES work out. I met my husband online.
I wanted to chat with people all over the world. The Internet was new to me, and I thought it was a great way to talk to people everywhere, all at the same time. I wasn't looking for romance. We met when he was in the Marine Corps in California and I was living in New York. We hit it off from the start. It was almost "love at first talk." We met online in July 1998 and in person in late November of that year. We were married the following month and just celebrated our third anniversary.
He is everything I could ever want in a man, and so much more. God bless the U.S. Marines. (They do laundry, iron and clean!) -- IZABELA IN SCIOTA, PA.
DEAR IZABELA: Now that's a ringing endorsement. May you enjoy many more years of happiness together.
The Internet is a wonderful tool. Although a decade ago people were predicting it would replace letters, telephones and malls, those predictions were a bit premature. For the foreseeable future, they will all co-exist together.
As for meeting people online, the same precautions should be observed as for meeting people through a personal ad, at a nightclub or a gym. The dating game is both a gambol and a gamble. Take your time. Check the facts. Caveat emptor (Let the buyer beware). The person can turn out to be a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking or the jewel of a lifetime.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAUGHTER BRANDED AS IMMORAL ALL BECAUSE OF SMALL TATTOO
DEAR ABBY: When I was 20 and still living at home, I got a tattoo I never told my parents about. I am now 25, married, and have never regretted it.
When Mom was visiting recently, she saw my tattoo. What followed was an eight-hour attack on my "bad morals, low self-esteem and corrupt character."
I never knew a small picture of a butterfly could cause so much trouble. The scene with Mom got so bad that my husband and I finally decided we'd had enough. We packed her suitcase, took her to the airport, and happily paid to get her on the next flight home.
Now most of my family is involved in the fight and everyone is taking sides. It seems there's no end to this. Did my husband and I make the wrong call by sending her home? -- POOR LITTLE BUTTERFLY IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR POOR LITTLE BUTTERFLY: In your mother's day, tattoos were not accepted as they are today. She overreacted to your tattoo. Now take the high road: Apologize for sending her away and head off World War III.
DEAR ABBY: Last year our 18-year-old son, "Tommy," started dating a young lady from his community college. I'll call her June.
From the start, my husband and I liked June. On occasion we would take her and our son out for dinner or to a family function. June and I shared many interests and became good friends.
Six months later, Tommy announced that he was breaking up with her because their relationship was going nowhere. I was disappointed but accepted his decision.
Now Tommy doesn't want me to be friendly with June. He won't speak to her and will not allow me to mention her name in his presence.
What should I do? June seems to enjoy our mother/daughter relationship, and so do I. -- TORN-UP MOM IN MILFORD, OHIO
P.S. Tommy has not yet moved on to another girl.
DEAR TORN-UP MOM: From the way your son is behaving, there's more to the story of the breakup than he has revealed to you. Although you may yearn for a daughter, June isn't going to be her.
Allow your relationship with June to cool a little. If you don't, your relationship with your son will suffer. His feelings should take priority.
DEAR ABBY: Eighteen months ago, I discovered that "Steven," my husband of 27 years, had been secretly visiting "Blanca," the girl he wanted to marry 30 years ago. Since then, I have been talking to Blanca's husband, "Eric," and have fallen in love with him.
The affair has ended for Steven and Blanca, but Eric and I still talk several times a week.
Abby, should I stay with Steven? I'm tempted to leave him after what he has done. -- GETTING EVEN WITH STEVEN
DEAR GETTING EVEN: I don't blame you for wanting to get even, but if you're asking my permission, the answer is no. The fact is, neither you nor Eric is really available.
Before making any final decisions, try marriage counseling to see if you can rebuild a loving, trusting relationship with your spouse. That way, fewer people will be hurt.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)