To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Internet Fantasies May Have Real Life Consequences
DEAR ABBY: I found out that my mom has been exchanging e-mail love letters with a man from out of state. I know because she had been staying up until 2 and 3 a.m. on the computer. I did a little detective work and found the letters. They talked about meeting and how much they love each other.
Mom uses a fake name and has told this guy numerous lies about her life. She's portraying herself as a young, pretty girl when she's really a 53-year-old frumpy housewife. The man is married with two kids; Mom has been married for 30 years and has three kids and two grandchildren. She is seriously addicted to the Internet and has been sneaking around to get on it. I found out she also calls this guy.
I know personally how addictive the Internet can be. It can ruin your life by making infidelity easier. I don't know if I should confront her. Please help. I'm desperate for advice. -- DAUGHTER IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR DAUGHTER: Talk to your mother in confidence. Apologize for snooping and tell her what you have discovered. Ask her what she would do if your father were to find out what has been going on. If she has been spending so much time on the computer that it aroused your suspicions, it would be interesting to know what your father is thinking. She needs to consider if her creative writing is worth jeopardizing her marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Disillusioned in Clarksville" about the flake she married after meeting him on the Internet, I want to let you know that sometimes meeting someone on the Internet DOES work out. I met my husband online.
I wanted to chat with people all over the world. The Internet was new to me, and I thought it was a great way to talk to people everywhere, all at the same time. I wasn't looking for romance. We met when he was in the Marine Corps in California and I was living in New York. We hit it off from the start. It was almost "love at first talk." We met online in July 1998 and in person in late November of that year. We were married the following month and just celebrated our third anniversary.
He is everything I could ever want in a man, and so much more. God bless the U.S. Marines. (They do laundry, iron and clean!) -- IZABELA IN SCIOTA, PA.
DEAR IZABELA: Now that's a ringing endorsement. May you enjoy many more years of happiness together.
The Internet is a wonderful tool. Although a decade ago people were predicting it would replace letters, telephones and malls, those predictions were a bit premature. For the foreseeable future, they will all co-exist together.
As for meeting people online, the same precautions should be observed as for meeting people through a personal ad, at a nightclub or a gym. The dating game is both a gambol and a gamble. Take your time. Check the facts. Caveat emptor (Let the buyer beware). The person can turn out to be a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking or the jewel of a lifetime.
DAUGHTER BRANDED AS IMMORAL ALL BECAUSE OF SMALL TATTOO
DEAR ABBY: When I was 20 and still living at home, I got a tattoo I never told my parents about. I am now 25, married, and have never regretted it.
When Mom was visiting recently, she saw my tattoo. What followed was an eight-hour attack on my "bad morals, low self-esteem and corrupt character."
I never knew a small picture of a butterfly could cause so much trouble. The scene with Mom got so bad that my husband and I finally decided we'd had enough. We packed her suitcase, took her to the airport, and happily paid to get her on the next flight home.
Now most of my family is involved in the fight and everyone is taking sides. It seems there's no end to this. Did my husband and I make the wrong call by sending her home? -- POOR LITTLE BUTTERFLY IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR POOR LITTLE BUTTERFLY: In your mother's day, tattoos were not accepted as they are today. She overreacted to your tattoo. Now take the high road: Apologize for sending her away and head off World War III.
DEAR ABBY: Last year our 18-year-old son, "Tommy," started dating a young lady from his community college. I'll call her June.
From the start, my husband and I liked June. On occasion we would take her and our son out for dinner or to a family function. June and I shared many interests and became good friends.
Six months later, Tommy announced that he was breaking up with her because their relationship was going nowhere. I was disappointed but accepted his decision.
Now Tommy doesn't want me to be friendly with June. He won't speak to her and will not allow me to mention her name in his presence.
What should I do? June seems to enjoy our mother/daughter relationship, and so do I. -- TORN-UP MOM IN MILFORD, OHIO
P.S. Tommy has not yet moved on to another girl.
DEAR TORN-UP MOM: From the way your son is behaving, there's more to the story of the breakup than he has revealed to you. Although you may yearn for a daughter, June isn't going to be her.
Allow your relationship with June to cool a little. If you don't, your relationship with your son will suffer. His feelings should take priority.
DEAR ABBY: Eighteen months ago, I discovered that "Steven," my husband of 27 years, had been secretly visiting "Blanca," the girl he wanted to marry 30 years ago. Since then, I have been talking to Blanca's husband, "Eric," and have fallen in love with him.
The affair has ended for Steven and Blanca, but Eric and I still talk several times a week.
Abby, should I stay with Steven? I'm tempted to leave him after what he has done. -- GETTING EVEN WITH STEVEN
DEAR GETTING EVEN: I don't blame you for wanting to get even, but if you're asking my permission, the answer is no. The fact is, neither you nor Eric is really available.
Before making any final decisions, try marriage counseling to see if you can rebuild a loving, trusting relationship with your spouse. That way, fewer people will be hurt.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TWIN ISN'T INCLINED TO DOUBLE HER SISTER'S WEDDING PLEASURE
DEAR ABBY: I have just become engaged. We're in the midst of wedding planning and choosing a date. I would like to be married on Nov. 15, 2003, because it's before the holiday season and a great time to take a honeymoon cruise.
My problem: My twin sister married her high school sweetheart 16 years ago on Nov. 16. When I mentioned the date I was considering, she got upset and said, "You're not getting married on MY wedding weekend!" My fiance agrees with her. He thinks we would be encroaching on their wedding anniversary if we got married mid-November.
My sister's husband, on the other hand, is in favor of us being married on Nov. 15. He thinks it is a good time to tie the knot because it was lucky for them, and after all, there would be an 18-year difference in the wedding anniversaries.
I view my sister's reaction as demonstrating a twinly competitiveness I thought we had outgrown long ago. Can you advise me? -- KAREN IN VIRGINIA
DEAR KAREN: While you may have thought the "twinly competitiveness" was dead, it seems it was only napping. Although I consider your sister's attitude childish, it's up to you to decide how important her objection is to you -- and whether going ahead with the wedding date you have chosen is worth the resentment it may cause in her relationship with you. Only you can make that decision.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We have two active boys, ages 6 and 2. We haven't been on a trip by ourselves since our first son was born. Our marriage has suffered because of it. Our marriage counselor told us that we MUST have time alone away from the kids at least once a month in order to preserve our marriage.
We live in the same town as my mother. I would love for her to care for my children once in a while, but she has never volunteered. If I ask her to baby-sit with the boys, she says things like, "We'll see" or, "They won't be able to stay long." This hurts me, Abby, and my husband is furious about it.
My husband's mother is deceased. There are no other family members to help out. We have always hired baby sitters, but it gets expensive. The worst part is, the kids love their grandmother dearly and beg us to let them visit her.
My mother is still young and in good health. She works only part time. I do not understand why she doesn't enjoy tending her grandchildren, because they really are wonderful kids. I would love to confront her, but I know she would become defensive, and it would lead to hurt feelings for both of us.
This has become a major stumbling block for me and my family and is straining my relationship with them. Any time she calls us for help, we quickly respond with our services. Please offer some suggestions so that I can discuss this with her without making the situation worse. -- TIRED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TIRED: I understand your need to get away, but baby sitting your children is not your mother's responsibility. She obviously does not have the time and/or the desire to do so, or she would jump at the chance.
Talk to your counselor about your relationship with your mother. You and your husband may expect too much from her. Let her off the hook. Find a qualified baby sitter, and ask your mother to visit your children while you are gone.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)