Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Making Smoking Uncool Is Challenge for Ad Campaigns
DEAR ABBY: This is in reply to the 81-year-old woman who proposed creating an anti-smoking poster with two healthy sisters on each side of the unhealthy sister who smoked. It won't work!
I'm 20, and if I saw a poster of an elderly woman dying of lung cancer, I would scoff at the message. I would be sympathetic, but I would think, "I'm young. I'll NEVER be like that." However, if I met someone in his late teens or early 20s who had lung cancer, it would be a different story.
I propose sending teens who are ex-smokers to schools with their stories. Not just junior and high schools, but elementary schools, too. I recently quit smoking. (I was in third grade when I started.) I now work in a school. Every day I wonder which students smoke or drink. I wish I could make a difference. If you know of an organization looking for young adults like me to tell their stories -– please let me know. –- CHRIS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CHRIS: The problem with your proposal is that tobacco-related cancers usually take years to develop. The chances of a high school student meeting a contemporary with cancer of the mouth, throat, lung, pancreas, cervix, kidney or bladder are slim. However, every year a person smokes, the more deeply addicted he or she becomes.
P.S. I'd be interested in knowing why you finally quit. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thirteen-year-old kids don't care about 81-year-old cancer patients on oxygen tanks. When I was 13, I had two adjectives for everything –- "cool" and "uncool." When you're 13, you're never going to be 81 or have cancer. Being uncool is the real danger!
Ad campaigns directed at teens pound the health issue to death, but kids tune them out. Cigarettes are cool precisely because they are unhealthy and disreputable. The anti-smoking ads must improve. Somewhere there must be some principled, highly intelligent people with the media savvy to gradually make smoking uncool. Things will not change otherwise.
Advertising agencies with a conscience –- graphic designers with a cause –- tastemakers with a point of view: Are you reading this carefully? –- LOSING MY COOL IN L.A.
DEAR LOSING MY COOL: Don't give up hope. I'm sure there are creative people out there who care as much as we do.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a lifelong smoker. She is dying from lung cancer. The bravest thing she has ever done is share her story with high school students. She makes no bones about her future. If her story prevents one kid from starting to smoke, she'll feel she has done something good with her life. –- P.T. IN ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR P.T.: Please accept my sympathy for your mother's terminal illness. She's a courageous woman to share her story in the hope it will save others.
DEAR ABBY: My deceased dad had the good grace to write a statement to be read at his funeral admitting that smoking is a killer, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. –- M.L. IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR M.L.: My condolences to you for the loss of your father. He told it like it was.
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are in our 40s. Upon reading the letter from the 81-year-old woman, we both decided we wanted to be healthy and active in our retirement years. We quit smoking on the spot! –- GRATEFUL IN WOODSTOCK
DEAR GRATEFUL: Yippee! A double victory! Your letter made my day.
PICTURES OF MAN'S EX-WIFE HAUNT HIS GRIEVING WIDOW
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Tom," had a heart attack and died six months ago. I was his second wife. He was married to his first wife, "Becky," for seven years before their divorce. They split up because Becky found someone who made more money. Five years later, Tom married me. We had seven happy years together. There were no children in either marriage.
It took a month before I felt strong enough to go through Tom's personal belongings. He owned one wallet. Sadly, there were no pictures of me in his wallet, even though we had studio portraits taken together on two occasions and I had given him wallet-sized prints.
What I did find hidden in his wallet were two small snapshots of Tom and Becky, taken when they were newlyweds. I was stunned. In all the years we were married, if Becky's name was mentioned, Tom made nothing but negative remarks about her.
I feel certain they were not having an affair, but I can't help but wonder if Tom still loved her. Whenever I ask anyone, the person tells me what I want to hear -– that the fact he could never say a kind word about Becky proves that he loved me. Abby, what are your thoughts on this? Please be straight with me. -– HURTING IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HURTING: OK. There are many reasons why people keep souvenirs. It doesn't always mean that the person is carrying a torch. It's possible that your husband carried the old snapshots to remind him how lucky he was to have you in his life instead of the woman he had trusted who had caused him so much pain.
I know it's convoluted thinking, but since Tom is no longer here to explain it, please hold a good thought. I'm sure the pictures had nothing to do with his feelings about you, with whom he spent seven happy years.
P.S. Wouldn't it be ironic if the pictures were there because Tom never bothered to clean out his wallet?
DEAR ABBY: As a first-time writer who loves your column, I am desperate for your advice.
I am 31, and for the past seven years have been married to a man I dearly love. We adopted two wonderful children who have made my life complete. Every day I thank God for the miracle he has given me by sending these precious little ones to us.
The problem I'm facing now seems insurmountable: My husband no longer wants to work. He was working before we adopted the kids, but now he won't stay on a job more than a few weeks at a time.
I love my children too much to put them through the heartache of doing without –- and I don't want them growing up with their dad as this kind of role model.
As much as I love my husband, I am at the point of asking him to leave. Would it be wrong for me to do that, Abby? –- ON THE BRINK IN KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C.
DEAR ON THE BRINK: Before doing anything drastic, consider this: Your husband could be ill, depressed or drug-dependent. Insist he see his physician for a complete physical exam –- and possibly counseling to explain his sudden change in behavior.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
BATTLE OVER SHAVING ENDS WHEN GIRL BECOMES CASUALTY
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the debate over whether a 10-year-old girl should be allowed to shave her legs, let me share my story. In 1952, I was also 10 years old. My parents were first-generation Italians. Women in my family did not shave their legs or underarms. My legs were hairy, but I knew better than to ask to shave. Instead, I asked if I could wear nylon stockings. My parents finally agreed.
Silly child that I was, I wore the stockings, but they matted my hair against my legs -- and the other girls made fun of me. When I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom. I found my father's razor and started shaving my legs using no water or shaving cream. My tender hair follicles couldn't take it. I started bleeding profusely. I became hysterical thinking I was going to bleed to death.
My uncle happened to be visiting and heard my screams. He broke down the bathroom door, wrapped my legs in towels and carried me out. Not only was I embarrassed, but I was now in big trouble. I had done "the forbidden thing."
To my parents' credit, after that day, I was allowed to shave my legs, but not my underarms. (I started shaving my underarms at 12, but that's another story.) -- A.C. IN N.J.
DEAR A.C.: Traditions are hard to relinquish. It's sad that it took a blood-letting to persuade your parents to relent. However, it's interesting that by the age of 12 you had managed to do what you wanted. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I was 13 and playing basketball in the school gym, a classmate asked me why I didn't shave my legs. Looking down at them, I said, "Because I don't need to."
Two weeks later I got my first pair of glasses. I was shocked to see that trees had individual leaves -- not indistinct green clumps! I was horrified when I looked down at my legs and realized why my classmate had asked the question.
More than 40 years later I still laugh at the memory. -- MYOPIC BUT SMOOTH IN OREGON
DEAR MYOPIC: Spoken like a true visionary.
DEAR ABBY: As a single father of three girls (two grown and a 13-year-old still at home with me), I must say to all parents: Fitting in is part of life. Nobody wants to be poked fun at because his or her family's views are different. Growing up today is hard enough. Why add pressures?
There are many topics that should be openly discussed between children and parents, but if a parent feels uncomfortable about it, so will the child.
I remember many times over the years I had to discuss, purchase or attend to things that a girl's mother would normally do. Some made me feel uncomfortable; however, I did them anyway.
Parents should strive for open two-way communication with their children. We pass along the morals, values and rules we were taught so they can modify them and teach them to their own children -- and so on. -- JORDAN ROBERTS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JORDAN: Right. It's a natural evolution.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)