What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
PICTURES OF MAN'S EX-WIFE HAUNT HIS GRIEVING WIDOW
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Tom," had a heart attack and died six months ago. I was his second wife. He was married to his first wife, "Becky," for seven years before their divorce. They split up because Becky found someone who made more money. Five years later, Tom married me. We had seven happy years together. There were no children in either marriage.
It took a month before I felt strong enough to go through Tom's personal belongings. He owned one wallet. Sadly, there were no pictures of me in his wallet, even though we had studio portraits taken together on two occasions and I had given him wallet-sized prints.
What I did find hidden in his wallet were two small snapshots of Tom and Becky, taken when they were newlyweds. I was stunned. In all the years we were married, if Becky's name was mentioned, Tom made nothing but negative remarks about her.
I feel certain they were not having an affair, but I can't help but wonder if Tom still loved her. Whenever I ask anyone, the person tells me what I want to hear -– that the fact he could never say a kind word about Becky proves that he loved me. Abby, what are your thoughts on this? Please be straight with me. -– HURTING IN VIRGINIA
DEAR HURTING: OK. There are many reasons why people keep souvenirs. It doesn't always mean that the person is carrying a torch. It's possible that your husband carried the old snapshots to remind him how lucky he was to have you in his life instead of the woman he had trusted who had caused him so much pain.
I know it's convoluted thinking, but since Tom is no longer here to explain it, please hold a good thought. I'm sure the pictures had nothing to do with his feelings about you, with whom he spent seven happy years.
P.S. Wouldn't it be ironic if the pictures were there because Tom never bothered to clean out his wallet?
DEAR ABBY: As a first-time writer who loves your column, I am desperate for your advice.
I am 31, and for the past seven years have been married to a man I dearly love. We adopted two wonderful children who have made my life complete. Every day I thank God for the miracle he has given me by sending these precious little ones to us.
The problem I'm facing now seems insurmountable: My husband no longer wants to work. He was working before we adopted the kids, but now he won't stay on a job more than a few weeks at a time.
I love my children too much to put them through the heartache of doing without –- and I don't want them growing up with their dad as this kind of role model.
As much as I love my husband, I am at the point of asking him to leave. Would it be wrong for me to do that, Abby? –- ON THE BRINK IN KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C.
DEAR ON THE BRINK: Before doing anything drastic, consider this: Your husband could be ill, depressed or drug-dependent. Insist he see his physician for a complete physical exam –- and possibly counseling to explain his sudden change in behavior.
BATTLE OVER SHAVING ENDS WHEN GIRL BECOMES CASUALTY
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the debate over whether a 10-year-old girl should be allowed to shave her legs, let me share my story. In 1952, I was also 10 years old. My parents were first-generation Italians. Women in my family did not shave their legs or underarms. My legs were hairy, but I knew better than to ask to shave. Instead, I asked if I could wear nylon stockings. My parents finally agreed.
Silly child that I was, I wore the stockings, but they matted my hair against my legs -- and the other girls made fun of me. When I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom. I found my father's razor and started shaving my legs using no water or shaving cream. My tender hair follicles couldn't take it. I started bleeding profusely. I became hysterical thinking I was going to bleed to death.
My uncle happened to be visiting and heard my screams. He broke down the bathroom door, wrapped my legs in towels and carried me out. Not only was I embarrassed, but I was now in big trouble. I had done "the forbidden thing."
To my parents' credit, after that day, I was allowed to shave my legs, but not my underarms. (I started shaving my underarms at 12, but that's another story.) -- A.C. IN N.J.
DEAR A.C.: Traditions are hard to relinquish. It's sad that it took a blood-letting to persuade your parents to relent. However, it's interesting that by the age of 12 you had managed to do what you wanted. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I was 13 and playing basketball in the school gym, a classmate asked me why I didn't shave my legs. Looking down at them, I said, "Because I don't need to."
Two weeks later I got my first pair of glasses. I was shocked to see that trees had individual leaves -- not indistinct green clumps! I was horrified when I looked down at my legs and realized why my classmate had asked the question.
More than 40 years later I still laugh at the memory. -- MYOPIC BUT SMOOTH IN OREGON
DEAR MYOPIC: Spoken like a true visionary.
DEAR ABBY: As a single father of three girls (two grown and a 13-year-old still at home with me), I must say to all parents: Fitting in is part of life. Nobody wants to be poked fun at because his or her family's views are different. Growing up today is hard enough. Why add pressures?
There are many topics that should be openly discussed between children and parents, but if a parent feels uncomfortable about it, so will the child.
I remember many times over the years I had to discuss, purchase or attend to things that a girl's mother would normally do. Some made me feel uncomfortable; however, I did them anyway.
Parents should strive for open two-way communication with their children. We pass along the morals, values and rules we were taught so they can modify them and teach them to their own children -- and so on. -- JORDAN ROBERTS IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JORDAN: Right. It's a natural evolution.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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Mom's Husband Isn't 'Grandpa' in Pregnant Daughter's Eyes
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and pregnant with my first child. My beloved father passed away a few years ago, and my mother has since remarried. Mom keeps calling her new husband "Grandpa."
I'm having a hard time with this. Even though this man will become a part of my child's life, he is not Grandpa. Both grandfathers have passed away, and it's going to be tough enough making sure they are properly remembered.
Maybe I'm being overly protective of this "grandfather" thing, because my sweet dad can't be here to share the joy of our baby. I need advice on how to go about telling my mother that I'd prefer she didn't call her husband "Grandpa." I know this should be the least of my problems, but it's been nagging at me. -- KATIE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR KATIE: Please rethink your stance on this. Although you loved your dad and keep his memory in your heart, your mother's flesh-and-blood husband will be the only grandpa your child will ever know. If you tell your mother that you don't want her husband to be called "Grandpa," you run the risk of driving a wedge between you, her and him. Grief counseling may help you deal with your dear father's death. Accept the love your mother's husband has to offer and move on.
DEAR ABBY: In July 2001, my husband's cousin, "Jake," asked if he could move into our game room. He was going through a divorce, up to his ears in child support payments, and his funds were limited.
This living arrangement was supposed to be temporary, but now Jake is telling us he intends to continue living here for five years!
Jake does nothing to help around the house. He gives me a small sum of money each month, but that pittance isn't nearly enough to buy the food he consumes.
I want to ask Jake to move, but my husband is afraid it would damage their friendship. I say we need our own life; we've got two small children to consider. Please help, Abby. -- FED UP IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR FED UP: Somebody has to be direct with this man. If your husband can't find the strength to tell his cousin, "Enough is enough, already!" -- then you must. And please don't feel guilty about it. Jake will be a lot happier, too, once he's on his own two feet.
DEAR ABBY: I am an animal lover. When I was younger, I raised three kittens from birth. I fed them every four hours from a bottle. My husband doesn't like animals, but before we were married, he agreed I could have a pet. Well, it's been seven years, and he refuses to let me have a cat.
Abby, I love my husband dearly; however, I don't feel like a complete person without a cat. If I lived alone I'd have a houseful of them, but now I would be happy with just one. My heart breaks every time I visit a friend who has a cat or see one roaming on the street. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep.
My husband knows I love cats. He even buys me calendars with pictures of cats, yet he denies me the one thing I love most besides him. I respect his feelings, but it hurts. What do you think I should do? -- CAT LOVER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CAT LOVER: Unless your husband has a medical condition that prevents you from having a cat, go get yourself one. You don't need his permission. He's your partner -- not your parent.
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