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Mom's Husband Isn't 'Grandpa' in Pregnant Daughter's Eyes
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and pregnant with my first child. My beloved father passed away a few years ago, and my mother has since remarried. Mom keeps calling her new husband "Grandpa."
I'm having a hard time with this. Even though this man will become a part of my child's life, he is not Grandpa. Both grandfathers have passed away, and it's going to be tough enough making sure they are properly remembered.
Maybe I'm being overly protective of this "grandfather" thing, because my sweet dad can't be here to share the joy of our baby. I need advice on how to go about telling my mother that I'd prefer she didn't call her husband "Grandpa." I know this should be the least of my problems, but it's been nagging at me. -- KATIE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR KATIE: Please rethink your stance on this. Although you loved your dad and keep his memory in your heart, your mother's flesh-and-blood husband will be the only grandpa your child will ever know. If you tell your mother that you don't want her husband to be called "Grandpa," you run the risk of driving a wedge between you, her and him. Grief counseling may help you deal with your dear father's death. Accept the love your mother's husband has to offer and move on.
DEAR ABBY: In July 2001, my husband's cousin, "Jake," asked if he could move into our game room. He was going through a divorce, up to his ears in child support payments, and his funds were limited.
This living arrangement was supposed to be temporary, but now Jake is telling us he intends to continue living here for five years!
Jake does nothing to help around the house. He gives me a small sum of money each month, but that pittance isn't nearly enough to buy the food he consumes.
I want to ask Jake to move, but my husband is afraid it would damage their friendship. I say we need our own life; we've got two small children to consider. Please help, Abby. -- FED UP IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR FED UP: Somebody has to be direct with this man. If your husband can't find the strength to tell his cousin, "Enough is enough, already!" -- then you must. And please don't feel guilty about it. Jake will be a lot happier, too, once he's on his own two feet.
DEAR ABBY: I am an animal lover. When I was younger, I raised three kittens from birth. I fed them every four hours from a bottle. My husband doesn't like animals, but before we were married, he agreed I could have a pet. Well, it's been seven years, and he refuses to let me have a cat.
Abby, I love my husband dearly; however, I don't feel like a complete person without a cat. If I lived alone I'd have a houseful of them, but now I would be happy with just one. My heart breaks every time I visit a friend who has a cat or see one roaming on the street. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep.
My husband knows I love cats. He even buys me calendars with pictures of cats, yet he denies me the one thing I love most besides him. I respect his feelings, but it hurts. What do you think I should do? -- CAT LOVER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CAT LOVER: Unless your husband has a medical condition that prevents you from having a cat, go get yourself one. You don't need his permission. He's your partner -- not your parent.
Teen Reader Offers Guidelines for All You Moms and Dads
DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have advised many people -– mothers-in-law and so on. But I have never seen advice for parents. I am a 13-year-old reader who has decided to write my own set of "guidelines" for moms and dads. Here goes:
(1) Don't expect your kids to like the same things you do.
(2) Tell your kids you love them every day.
(3) When your kids do something wrong, don't keep reminding them. Chances are they feel bad enough already.
(4) Remember, you weren't perfect when you were growing up. Don't expect your kids to be.
(5) If you have more than one kid, don't compare them. They are completely different people.
(6) Be patient with your kids. They're just learning.
(7) If something goes wrong, don't blame it on them. It isn't always their fault.
(8) Surprise your kids sometimes -– even if it's something little.
(9) Accept that your kids are getting older. They can't always be 5 years old.
(10) Don't fight in front of your kids. (That should be a no-brainer.)
(11) Don't assume that you know what your kids are thinking.
Thanks for letting me contribute to the column, Abby. -– 13-YEAR-OLD
DEAR 13-YEAR-OLD: You're welcome. If you were older, you would have seen the following "commandments" that first appeared in my column in 1981 (!). They clearly address the subject of parenting:
A CHILD'S TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR PARENTS
by Dr. Kevin Leman
(1) My hands are small; please don't expect perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.
(2) My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily.
(3) Housework will always be there. I'm little for only a short time -– please take time to explain things to me about this wonderful world, and do so willingly.
(4) My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs. Don't nag me all day long. (You wouldn't want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness.) Treat me as you would like to be treated.
(5) I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.
(6) I need your encouragement to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.
(7) Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday I'll be prepared to make the kind of decisions life requires of me.
(8) Please don't do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn't quite measure up to your expectations. I know it's hard, but please don't try to compare me with my brother or sister.
(9) Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides, it's a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.
(10) Please take me to Sunday school and church regularly, setting a good example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.
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Wife Is Fed Up With Husband Who Leaves a Trail of Trash
DEAR ABBY: Here's one I've never seen in your column. I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids, a 5-year-old and a nursing 7-month-old. My husband provides for us. In return, I do all the child care, housekeeping, cooking, dishes, bill-paying, laundry, etc., and other things as they come up. We have a large, five-bedroom, four-bath house.
Needless to say, at the end of the day I am exhausted, and in 24 hours the house is a mess again. I feel more like a mother of three than a wife. I pick up his used tissues (he has allergies and leaves them around the house), used dental floss, empty beer bottles, food scraps, etc. I get grossed out, but he says it's part of my job.
Right now I'm looking at the kitchen table, and his dirty dishes, hot sauce and salad dressing are still there from last night. Apparently the "waitress" fell asleep with the kids.
At what point does a wife draw the line in picking up after the husband? Are husbands today responsible for any housework if the wife stays at home with the kids? –- INDENTURED SERVANT
DEAR INDENTURED SERVANT: Apparently you married a man whose mother waited on him hand and foot, and he expects his wife to do the same. He's a big boy now, and he should be ashamed of himself. There is no excuse for a grown man not to pick up his own garbage –- and that includes tissues and dental floss. There is also no reason why he cannot help set and clear a table.
Many husbands today pitch in to help with household chores -– it's called partnership.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother was married to "Ellie" for 17 years. She was a wonderful woman. They had two great kids. Ellie always treated his parents and siblings with respect. Sadly, they were not as nice to her. In spite of it, she considered them her family.
When Ellie finally decided to divorce my brother-in-law, after years of emotional and verbal abuse by him and his parents, it was a gut-wrenching decision.
Although Ellie and my brother-in-law continued living together for more than a year while their divorce was pending, my in-laws cut off all contact with her. They removed her pictures from the walls of their home, "uninvited" her to a family wedding for which she had already attended the bridal shower, and never once asked her children (their grandchildren) about her. It was as if Ellie never existed. She was very hurt, but never bad-mouthed any of them to her kids.
Shortly after the divorce was final, my brother-in-law died in a car accident at the age of 47. Ellie's children, now 13 and 11, no longer want anything to do with their grandparents. They feel very angry about the way their mother was treated. Ellie has told them she would like them to have a relationship with their dad's family, but will not force them.
Who should make the first move, Abby? –- SISTER-IN-LAW ON THE SIDELINES
DEAR SISTER-IN-LAW: If you have a relationship with the grandparents, urge them to apologize to Ellie for the way they treated her. However, truthfully, it may be too late to make amends. Children can smell hypocrisy a mile away.
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