What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a mother whose daughter was a "plain Jane," constantly overlooked by boys who preferred her beautiful friend. That letter has stayed with me because I was a plain Jane compared to my best friend in high school. I'll call her Lisa. Lisa had more boys lined up than you can count. Every boy wanted to date her.
Luckily for me, my self-esteem has never been dependent upon my looks. As a result, my life has been 100 percent easier than my beautiful friend's has been. I have always thought of myself as funny and smart. Therefore, I WAS funny and smart around boys.
Lisa has struggled with anorexia since puberty. She has had a string of scummy boyfriends who treated her horribly. I have enjoyed honest, relaxed, fun-filled relationships with boys from high school through the present. I am now 22.
I implore the parents of girls to make sure their daughters feel valued for their intelligence and talent. Girls need to know it's OK to exploit their strengths. Parents can do that by making sure that their daughters know that being smart, athletic and funny are wonderful traits.
There is no reason why a mother should worry that her daughter is a plain Jane. It doesn't help matters to reinforce the idea that looks are everything. It's far more important to help a girl become a strong, confident person. The boys will discover her soon enough. -- FABULOUS JANE, FAIRFAX, VA.
DEAR FABULOUS JANE: You and I were blessed with mothers who taught us early and often to value ourselves for the strengths and resources every girl has. However, many girls do not know how to appreciate and use their gifts and talents in pursuit of their goals.
The fact is, each one of us has qualities and abilities unique and genuinely beautiful, and far more important than makeup and clothing.
Last spring, I hosted a live Internet chat for the government's Girl Power! campaign at www.girlpower.gov. Girl Power! was created to help girls make it from childhood to adolescence without turning to unhealthy eating habits, drugs, depression or obsessions with unrealistic images of how they should look and act. It features Bodywise pages to help girls make the most of their physical and intellectual abilities, and feel good about who and what they are. Feeling good about oneself is a key ingredient for beauty.
There was once a neglected and unwanted little girl who often worried that she was a "plain Jane" or worse, but she made the most of what she had. Later on, she said this: "No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a child. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't." We remember her as Marilyn Monroe, as pretty as any girl ever was.
So, a thought for the day: If you're an adult, make sure every girl you care about knows that she's smart and pretty and valued, and tell her why you think so. The secret to being beautiful is feeling beautiful; the secret to being successful is knowing that success is within your reach.
DEAR ABBY: My father remarried eight years ago when I was 26. I have never figured out how to introduce his wife. She never filled a "motherly" role for me. I feel odd introducing her as my stepmother, so I end up saying, "This is my father and his wife, Blanche." I think she feels slighted by my approach. Do you have any appropriate suggestions? -- NAME CALLER IN TEXAS
DEAR NAME CALLER: Ask Blanche what she would like to be called. It will make future introductions less awkward for you and other members of your family.
DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the letter about runaways and the comment, "... and Johnny isn't going to stop acting out no matter how much everyone wishes differently."
Johnny knows only what he has learned at home. He is repeating his parents' example. Kids don't run away from love. They run from hell.
Abby, I was a four-time runaway. The fourth time, at age 12, was the charm. I never went back to hell again, which is what my home life was. Fortune smiled on me –- I landed in a beautiful home for years. I graduated from high school and college with both B.A. and M.A. degrees.
Along the way, I went to California State Mental Hygiene Clinic for five years at $2 a session. What a bargain that was; the results made me the man I became. How sad we no longer have those clinics. Instead we have crime and prisons.
I raised my own family without corporal punishment or abuse. My four adult children grew up with an arm around their shoulders and hugs and reminders every day that they were dearly loved. It's gratifying to see them repeating that behavior in raising their own six children –- my precious grandchildren. -– "OLD RUNAWAY"
DEAR "OLD RUNAWAY": I wish everyone could find the inner stregth you did. Your experience proves that, with help, the pattern of abuse does not have to repeat itself from generation to generation. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was also a runaway. It was scary being alone in a strange town. I became involved with people I now would never associate with. After four months of trying to make it on my own, I went back home –- and back to the same old problems.
Now that I am older, I'd never recommend running away. You can get counseling, either at school or your local mental health center. If you can't afford it, you will be charged according to your income, or at a very low rate.
I am still going to therapy for the things my parents did to me. I have made some good choices now and have raised a beautiful daughter.
For you teens who are reading this, please try to get help. If your friends aren't enough, take Dear Abby's advice –- or learn from my story. There is always hope. -–BEEN THERE IN OGDEN, UTAH
DEAR ABBY: I have been taking college classes on and off for 15 years and will finally graduate in May. I will be the first college graduate in my family. I love my husband, but he has not been supportive of my goals. He's said many times that he is not interested in what goes on in my college classes.
My problem is, I need to choose an escort to walk with me during commencement. Even though my husband is the logical choice, I feel he doesn't care.
A true source of encouragement and support has been my father-in-law, "Max." Not only has Max paid for my college, he asks about it regularly and is very proud of my high grade-point average.
Abby, this may seem like an easy question for you, but I want to do the right thing. Who would you choose? –- COLLEGE GRAD IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR COLLEGE GRAD: Ask Max. He's given you maximum support –- emotionally as well as financially. I am sure he will be thrilled to escort you, and it's a thoughtful way for you to acknowledge all he has done for you.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter Afraid to Speak Out About Man's Lewd Behavior
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My mother has a boyfriend who just got out of prison. He was incarcerated for aggravated sexual assault on a child.
Mom is in love with this man. They've been "going together" for nearly a year. Here's the problem: Whenever he comes over to see Mom and he gets me alone -– even for a minute –- he says stuff like, "You're lookin' good today," and tells me my breasts look big and firm. Things like that. He even talks that way when Mother is in the next room. It makes me very uncomfortable.
Sometimes when Mom's back is turned, he winks at me and licks his lips. I've asked him to stop, but he doesn't listen. Now he's at the point where he tries to grab me and slap my behind.
If I tell Mom, I'm afraid she won't believe me because she knows I don't like him.
I am 20. Mom's boyfriend is 40-something. He's always staring at me and telling me to smile. Abby, I can't smile when he's around because he makes me so uncomfortable. What should I do? –- UNSURE AND UNEASY
DEAR UNEASY: Tell your mother exactly what you have told me, and don't put it off any longer for fear she won't believe you. Her boyfriend is a predator, and his behavior is escalating. He's lucky you haven't reported him to his probation officer. The man has a sickness, and your mother can't fix it. Warn her -– and for your personal safety, keep your distance.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old mother with a 19-month-old daughter. I recently separated from my abusive husband and now live with my family.
I'm at my wit's end because my daughter screams and cries all day. I don't know how to control her. It seems abnormal for her to act this way. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. She demands so much attention I can't even use the bathroom or take a shower alone.
I want to take my daughter to a psychiatrist, but my family would have a fit. It seems everyone has control over me, including my daughter. She acts like I'm a pushover, which I am.
Abby, do you know of any techniques to calm her down and make her listen to me? –- TIRED AND WORRIED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR TIRED AND WORRIED: You are a mother now. It's time to do what YOU think is right. Take control of your life. Make an appointment today with a pediatrician for an evaluation and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in children.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and in love with a married man I'll call Ben. We work in the same small company. Ben and I were inseparable. We had planned to move in together, but he decided to return to his wife. He said he was sorry, and I should get on with my life.
I see Ben every day. If I don't stop by his desk to talk, he calls me on my extension, acts like I've hurt his feelings, and asks, "Are you mad at me?"
Abby, I don't know what to do. I know he loves me because if he didn't, he would let me get on with my life. –- JILTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR JILTED: No, you have it backward. If he loved you, he would not be dragging this out. I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have this self-centered, ego-driven cheater out of your life. Find another job. Get away -- far away -- from this guy, and in the future, avoid men who are married.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)