What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Who Had Miscarriage Feels Depressed and Alone
DEAR ABBY: You help so many people. Please help me. I am a 14-year-old girl who has been through a lot this past year. Just a little over a month ago, I had a miscarriage. It was really sad, because I wanted my baby really bad. The father -- I'll call him Bob -- didn't want anything to do with it because he claimed it wasn't his. I was very hurt by his reaction because I was so happy about the baby.
After that, everything changed between me and Bob. He told the whole school I was a whore. When I told him about the loss of the baby, he was very happy, but now he hates me more than ever.
I am so depressed and alone. Some mornings I don't even want to wake up because the pain is so bad. Sometimes I just want to end my life. I can't go to my mother about this because I never told her about anything. If she found out that her baby girl was even thinking about having sex, she would kill me.
I have nowhere to turn. Abby, if you can help me, please do. -- ALL ALONE IN TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR ALL ALONE: I am sorry that your relationship with your mother is so poor that you experienced a pregnancy and miscarriage right under her nose and she never knew the difference. It is important that you be examined by a doctor to make sure you are all right, physically and emotionally.
A giant step in that direction would be for you to tell your mother what has been going on this past year. She needs to wake up to reality, and although she won't be pleased to hear how out of touch you have kept her, she won't "kill" you.
No one should have to go through what you have been through alone. You need more help than I can give you in a letter. An adult in whom you can confide will make the process much easier. If you cannot bring yourself to confide in your mother, I urge you to find someone you can trust -- a school nurse, a teacher, the mother of one of your friends. You have a lot of growing up to do before you become a mother with all the responsibility it entails -- and you need to slow down.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from Alan I. Leshner, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse. It made me realize that I am not the only person who has returned to old habits after the Sept. 11 attacks. I have a history of drug abuse and self-mutilation. (I cut my arms.) Sadly, I now combine them to relieve my anxiety.
Why didn't I receive treatment as soon as these habits surfaced? Because I am only 16, and adults (and some of my peers) dismiss my behavior as "just one of those stages teens go through."
Can you tell me, Abby, why is it that right now I can walk outside and within minutes get an ounce of heroin -- but it would take two weeks to convince anyone I need help to stop my self-destruction? -- RECOVERING TEEN IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA
DEAR RECOVERING TEEN: I'm sad to say this, but it may be because the illegal drug trade is better funded than our mental health system.
However, that's no excuse for continuing the self-destructive behavior. If your parents won't accept the fact that you need help to break the cycle, please talk to another trusted adult about your need to get some professional counseling. The longer you put it off, the more difficult the habits will be to break.
Wife's Obesity Is Symptom of Marriage in Big Trouble
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frustrated Wife," who had gained more than 100 pounds and whose husband had moved to another bedroom, was way out of line. If that man really loved his wife, he would urge her to go to counseling with him, and go with her to a diet clinic where he could learn to support her needs while overcoming her eating problem, if that is, indeed, what she has.
Abby, I am more than 100 pounds overweight. My husband would never, ever tell me it was food or him and to take my pick! He has encouraged me to join him on walks and eat healthier foods with him. This should be something they do together. This should be not only a healthier eating experience for her, but a bonding experience for both of them.
You advised her to see a dietitian and then a psychotherapist, which are good ideas for long-term help. However, I think the more appropriate action for her -- and her loving husband -- is marriage counseling. It takes many months to gain more than 100 pounds, and for her husband to just now be having a problem means something more must have happened. I think her weight problem is just another symptom of the marriage heading downhill, not just her love of food. -- CINDY IN ARIZONA
DEAR CINDY: I'm printing your letter because I received a bushel of mail from overweight women who felt I was wrong not to take her side. I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but obesity has reached such epidemic proportions in our country that the surgeon general has spoken out about it. It is a serious health issue. Obesity is a trigger for diabetes, heart disease and several forms of cancer. I refuse to keep my mouth shut about it because speaking out is politically incorrect. My job is to give readers honest answers. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That poor woman is a compulsive overeater with a serious problem. It is an illness, Abby -- one that society doesn't recognize.
I agree the woman needs help, but that wasn't the point of her letter. She asked if her husband was justified in withholding sex. NO, HE IS NOT! I understand he may not like the fact that she has gained weight, but to cut her off and move out of the bedroom is horrible. Marriage vows say "for better or for worse." -- REBECCA IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR REBECCA: I agree the woman is a compulsive overeater, and there are organizations that can help her. (I have recommended Overeaters Anonymous for years.) Notice that she didn't ask for a referral for a self-help group.
As to the husband's "cutting her off and moving out of the bedroom" -- I'm sure the man would perform if he could. I wish you could see the mail on my desk from husbands who have complained that they are either so visually turned off they can no longer do the deed, or are physically unable to perform because of their wives' girth. (Women married to overweight husbands have expressed similar stories.)
Remember, the woman wrote: "My husband has repeatedly asked me to lose weight, but I have not. ... I think he expects too much, as I love to eat." That woman needs help, not another enabler.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Woman Threatens Action Against Lover Who Left Her With Disease
DEAR ABBY: Last month my boyfriend, "Mack," broke off our live-in relationship to be with another woman, who was supposed to be my friend. I'll call her Lois. Lois said she feels bad about it, but that doesn't heal my broken heart.
I recently discovered that Mack has given me a sexually transmitted disease (STD) that can cause cancer. He and I talked on the phone one evening, and I asked if he and Lois had slept together yet. He refused to answer. When I asked him if he had told her about his STD, Mack was adamant about not wanting to discuss it.
The following morning I called Lois and asked if I could come over because I had something important to tell her. Talk about being nervous! I was a wreck, but weathered it. I explained everything I knew about the situation. Lois told me Mack had said nothing to her about any STDs, and told me she would ask him about it.
Later that night, I got a call from Mack. He was madder than a wet hen! I feel I did the right thing by telling Lois because he didn't sound like he would. After all, he never told ME he had an STD -- I found out from my gynecologist. Now Mack claims he didn't know he had an STD, and I'm wondering if that's true or not.
Someone told me I could sue Mack for giving me this life-threatening disease. Tests can be given to determine how long he's had it. Should I sue him, Abby? I am angry because he jeopardized my life when he supposedly loved me. I don't want him giving this disgusting disease to anyone else. -- HURT AND MAD IN OKEMOS, MICH.
DEAR H. AND M.: I suspect you have a valid legal case, but law is out of my area of expertise, so talk to an attorney.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old woman living with my son, daughter-in-law and their 5-year-old daughter. When she was born, they asked me to leave my home and job to take care of my grandchild. I have been with them ever since. I keep the house spotless, do all the laundry, cooking and 99 percent of the yard work. I baby-sit 24/7.
My problem is I have no money and no clothes. I have to beg them to buy me shampoo, creme rinse, everything! My son cusses me out and treats me terribly.
Abby, I want to leave, but I'm afraid I'll never see my grandchild again. How do I get out of this situation? -- TRAPPED IN THE EVERGLADES
DEAR TRAPPED: The situation you describe is called slavery. It is against the law in this country. Your son and his wife have not demonstrated that they care about your welfare. More important than whether you see your grandchild is what is going to happen to you in your old age. If you haven't saved money and paid into Social Security, you may not have enough benefits to keep you housed and fed.
If there is a relative who can help you make the transition back into a normal life, please call him or her. If there isn't, you may have to call the police to help you escape to a shelter until you can find a job and a place of your own. Please don't wait another minute.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)