For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: From time to time, you publish humorous pieces in your column. I hope you and your readers will enjoy this one:
At the wake, the woman told her priest that ever since she was a child, she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whoever went first would try to contact the other. They had discussed it again only two weeks before his death.
He died in her home, and a few hours later, the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there for 28 years and it had never gone off before. She didn't know how to stop it and had to call the security company that had installed it.
The next morning, the smoke alarm sounded again -- and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK, Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I've got it now. Thanks for letting me know you're safe on the other side. Now turn the darn thing off so I don't have to call the security company again!" And it went off!
She immediately called her priest to relay the good news. His response: "Dear, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the SMOKE alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?" -- THE REV. JAMES BLANTZ, ROLLING PRAIRIE, IND.
DEAR REV. BLANTZ: She should thank God it wasn't a toll call. Thank you for being an angel and sharing. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I offer yet another cell phone etiquette blooper?
My grandfather's funeral was last week. Since our family is Catholic, we asked a priest to officiate. In the middle of the service, a cell phone rang (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"). You should have seen the scowls and heads turning. A few minutes later, it rang for the second time!
At the graveside afterward, we finally discovered who the culprit was. During the solemn flag-folding ceremony, the phone rang a third time. Imagine our astonishment when the PRIEST pulled the offending instrument out of his pocket and stepped away to engage in a long conversation. -- STILL SHOCKED IN SANTA CLARITA, CALIF.
DEAR STILL SHOCKED: I'll bet it was the woman whose father was contacting her via the smoke alarm.
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about my boyfriend. We have been dating for three years. He started off our relationship telling me he loved me.
About a year ago, he began introducing me to everyone as his "roommate." When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't love me anymore. We still live together -- until I move out -- and he tells me often that we should stay together because we get along so well.
I'm confused. What exactly is it that he wants from me? -- TIRED OF BEING HURT IN WASHINGTON
DEAR TIRED: Much depends upon what he's getting from you. From my perspective, he wants someone to share the rent, with no strings attached and no responsibility.
If I were you, I'd move sooner rather than later. The romance is over, and you two have very different agendas.
MOTHER-IN-LAW'S ILLEGAL HABITS PUT STRAIN ON FAMILY RELATIONS
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gil," and I are in our mid-20s and have a small son. We work hard for everything we have and enjoy a wonderful life.
My problem is my mother-in-law, "Blanche." Gil learned of her drug habit at an early age, and he never had a "normal" childhood. Now that he's an adult, nothing has changed. In the past three years, Blanche has overdosed twice that we know of and can't hold a job because she has stolen from every place she has worked.
Last Christmas while she was visiting us, she had the nerve to steal 14 prescription pain killers from our medicine cabinet. Blanche also owes us about $2,000. The last time she was here, she wrote Gil a check so she'd have money for the flight home -- then stopped payment on it, causing our account to be overdrawn.
When our son was 14 months old, he found a loaded gun under his grandmother's couch! Thankfully, I was there. Needless to say, our child is not allowed to visit her without me, and Gil is in full agreement. However, I would like Gil to sever all ties with his mother before she hurts our family again.
Gil is a loving man with a big heart. Despite all the pain his mother has caused him, he still loves her. Blanche feeds off that and always worms her way back into his life. Abby, is it wrong of me to want my husband to permanently cut his mother out of his life? -- ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR ANONYMOUS D-I-L: I don't blame you for feeling as you do, but you cannot prevent your husband from having a relationship with his mother. Next time Blanche visits, make sure she has a round-trip ticket, lock up any prescription drugs and continue to closely monitor her with your child at ALL times. Then pray she is agreeable to counseling and will turn over a new leaf before she's jailed for theft. She is obviously ill and cannot be trusted to act responsibly.
DEAR ABBY: I am a widow in my late 60s, attractive and youthful looking (I'm told). For the past three years, I have been going out with a nice man my age, "Dell." I have him over for home-cooked meals, and I occasionally pay for our dinners and movies out. Dell is also my guest for dinners at my club, and of course I pay the club dues.
Sometimes I pick him up in my car for our dates and day trips. He can well afford to take me out and pick up the check, but he always says, "Let's keep it even."
I am becoming more and more uncomfortable when we're having dinner out, because I resent being expected to split the cost of everything. Dell is an educated, interesting man. I find myself wondering if I'm out of step with the times -- or if he's cheap.
Abby, I feel used. I'm beginning to lose respect for Dell. I'm from the old school: If a man asks a lady out, he pays. What's your opinion? Should I tell him I'm tired of nit-picking expenses and stop paying for half of everything? -- FRUSTRATED IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Sitting quietly while resentment builds will eventually destroy your relationship if you allow it to continue. Remind him that you are from the old school and what that means to you. But remember that it also means you will pick up the check when you call and ask him out. It will be interesting to see whether you wind up playing solitaire once you lay your cards on the table.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen Tries to Distance Herself From Friend She Can't Avoid
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. My problem is a girl in my class. "Angie" thinks she's my best friend. We met in fourth grade, and I felt sorry for her because she didn't have any friends, so I let her hang out with me.
It didn't take long to learn why no one liked her. Angie is insulting, rude, lies, and can't have a conversation without saying something negative about someone else. Avoiding her isn't an option. We live within walking distance of each other, ride the same bus and are involved in many of the same after-school activities.
I have come right out and told Angie to leave me alone, but she thought I was kidding, and I couldn't convince her I was serious. She knows other kids, so I don't see why she can't leave me alone. My friends think it would be a good idea to get her to stop following me around, but no one knows how to tell her to buzz off without being mean.
Please help me, Abby. I want to make the rest of my school year a good one. -- SUPER-ANNOYED EIGHTH GRADER
DEAR SUPER-ANNOYED: Talk to Angie privately. She lacks good judgment. You will be doing her a favor to tell her exactly what you have written me. First list the characteristics you LIKE about her, then list the ones that have made you withdraw. Angie needs to understand so she can modify her behavior. You seem to be a nice young lady. Remember that we all have our faults, and give her room -- and time -- to mature.
DEAR ABBY: A long time ago I promised myself I would wait until I found the right girl before having sex. The "right girl" for me is one who will love me as much as I love her, is easy to talk to, shares similar interests and has respect for herself.
As I get older, I'm finding out that not many girls fill those requirements. I don't date much because every girl I think about going out with, I come to find out has slept with a bunch of guys.
It upsets me that in today's world, sex is no longer viewed as something to be shared between two people in love, but as something that just goes along with casual relationships. When I look at the relationships of my friends, I find they are not happy. Most of them don't trust their partners -- and for good reason. After the first few dates, if I make no moves beyond some heavy kissing, the relationship seems to grow distant. I am now 23 and worried I won't ever find the right girl for me.
Are my expectations too high? -- LOSING HOPE IN SARDIS, OHIO
DEAR LOSING HOPE: Certainly not. It appears you're looking for love in all the wrong places. You won't catch a trout if you're fishing in a herring barrel.
To find a girl whose values mirror your own, an excellent place to look would be a faith-based singles group. Your spiritual adviser can tell you how to find one. I'm sure many young women will appreciate you for who you are once you find them.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Id al-Fitr.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)