Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WIFE WHO SITS IN THE BACKSEAT WOULD PREFER TO BE UP FRONT
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I spend one weekend a month with his mother, taking her shopping, to dinner, movies, etc. My problem is I always wind up sitting in the backseat whenever she is with us.
It's not as though we have a little car and it would be hard for her to maneuver in and out. We have a nice-sized van, and I think she could get in and out of the back just as easily as she can from the front seat.
It has been this way for a couple of years now, and I haven't said anything to my husband because she is his mother. But I feel as his wife I should be honest with my husband.
Please help. We are about to go on vacation with my mother-in-law, and I don't want to have to spend it in the backseat for a six-hour drive. -- AFRAID TO SPEAK UP IN PHILLY
DEAR AFRAID: If you want to sit in front, you must be up-front with your husband about your feelings. The longer you quietly tolerate the seating arrangement, the longer it will continue. The next time the two of you go to pick up his mother, roll down the window and say, "Hop in the back, Mom; I want to sit next to your wonderful son." And your husband should back you up. Bon voyage, and have a nice trip.
DEAR ABBY: My neighbor of five years, "Christopher," recently confided to me that he is a cross-dresser. At first I gave him credit for being so open about it, but ever since that conversation, I see him dressed only as "Kristin."
Whenever he sees me outside, Christopher comes over all dolled up. He even walks his dog dressed as Kristin -- complete with heels and hose. He thinks I don't have a problem with it, but now that I'm actually seeing him dressed in women's clothing, I'm not so sure.
He is now asking me to "do lunch" and wants to accompany me to my all-female gym.
Please help me, Abby. I liked him as Christopher, but I'm really uncomfortable with Kristin. It's to the point where I no longer feel comfortable going outside for fear I'll have to deal with this guy. What can I say to him? -- CONFUSED IN MINNESOTA
DEAR CONFUSED: Honesty is the best policy. Say, "With all respect, I think you're lovely as Kristin, but I'm more comfortable with my friend, Christopher." That should get you off the hook.
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers, "Helen," celebrated her birthday. It's a tradition at our office to "surprise" the birthday person with a cake, so Helen's closest co-worker went out to buy one. When it came time for the surprise, everyone was astonished to see Helen's age written on the icing!
None of us here is a kid anymore, and that information should not have been included on the cake. The woman who planned the party thought it was hilarious, but Helen was not amused.
Abby, was it wrong for Helen's age to be revealed in such a manner? And how should she approach her friend to let her know it was a bad idea? -- CARING CO-WORKER IN THE GARDEN STATE
DEAR CARING CO-WORKER: Yes, it was wrong. Helen deserves an apology. Mentioning age in the workplace can be discriminatory. And unless you want a prankster doing the same thing to you, I recommend that everyone present at the "surprise party" tell the offender it was a bad idea.
Helping Hands Weed Flowers Out of Woman's Natural Garden
DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve I'd like to educate people about. As an amateur gardener, I take great pride in my garden. However, when friends and relatives come over to visit, they sometimes start "pulling weeds." Please understand, my garden is a NATURAL garden. Therefore, what may appear as "weeds" to others are my "flowers."
Because of a stroke I suffered, I must use a cane. I know these folks think they're helping me by pulling weeds, but in reality they're destroying all my hard work. What can I say to them, Abby? -- WATCHING MY GARDEN GROW IN TULSA
DEAR WATCHING: How about "Stop!" And since your "helpful" friends and relatives are ignorant about ecological gardens, post small signs in your yard identifying the various kinds of plants on display. That way, it will be obvious, even to the well-meaning but unenlightened, that they are not "weeds."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old single mother who once enjoyed a beautiful life. Everything changed this past year when my husband -- the father of my then-unborn child -- died suddenly.
After his death, I suffered severe emotional pain and did not wish to go on living. However, I knew I must -- for the sake of our baby.
Here's where it gets complicated: I recently met a young man and have fallen in love. Abby, please understand that I still love my late husband with all my heart. I cry for him every day and miss him terribly. I even talk to him late at night while I'm holding our child. But I can't help loving the new man in my life, too. The love and understanding he offers me is wonderful. Please help me know what I should do. -- TORN IN DALLAS
P.S. Also, what should I do when it is time to teach my child what to call the new love of Mommy's life?
DEAR TORN: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband. Let me offer a word of caution. You suffered a great loss when your husband died, and he died at a time when you were particularly vulnerable.
Since you still "cry for him every day and talk to him every night," do not rush into another relationship until you have gotten grief counseling (your doctor or clergyperson can refer you). What your child should call your new love will evolve naturally.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. When I was only 18 months old, I lost my mom. She was killed in a motorcycle accident. My father isn't around, so I live with my grandparents. They don't want me to see my dad, but I wouldn't mind seeing him once in a while.
Grandma and Grandpa say my dad's a bad guy -- but he's still my dad and I love him.
Do you have any suggestions about what I should do, Abby? Should I wait until I'm older to understand this better, or what? -- NEEDING GUIDANCE IN INDIANA
DEAR NEEDING: At 14, you are old enough to learn the truth about your father. If you cannot make your grandparents understand that, perhaps another adult could intercede on your behalf.
Dad may not turn out to be the person you would hope -- but you're not a little girl anymore, and you have the right to find out if he's worthy of your love.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pass the Peas to the Right if You're Eating Family Style
DEAR ABBY: I was always taught that when a meal is served "family style," the food is passed to the right. However, I have been unable to find that statement in print.
Since I don't have Internet access, what books on table manners should I check? I've examined several at the library, but have been unable to find an answer.
Thanks, Abby. My family and I enjoy your column. -- ROSY JOHNSON, BREMERTON, WASH.
DEAR ROSY: I had to check a number of etiquette books to find your answer -- and to my surprise, the subject of eating "family style" was included in only one of them: "The New Emily Post's Etiquette."
She writes: "Often 'family style' means the host or hostess serves the meat, and the other dishes are passed around with each diner helping himself. These dishes are passed counterclockwise. Men do not offer the dish to the women on their right first, but help themselves when the dish reaches them. They may then, if they wish, hold the dish while the woman next to them serves herself."
I hope this is helpful.
DEAR ABBY: For 3 1/2 months, I have been going once a week to a sex therapist who has been trying to help me work out my physical and emotional sex problems.
Lately, my husband, "Danny," has grown suspicious about my whereabouts. Danny believes I am romantically involved with an intern I have been training at the office. I do not wish to reveal to him my true whereabouts because I am afraid it may affect his self-esteem and, in turn, our sex life.
Should I tell my husband the truth and risk him feeling inadequate, or not tell him and jeopardize our relationship? -- SEXLESS IN SEATTLE
DEAR SEATTLE: You should absolutely tell your husband the truth about where you have been going, and why. He needs to know the truth, because he needs to be part of the solution to the problem. (Explain to him that this isn't his "fault.")
Frankly, I am surprised that you would be seeing a sex therapist as an individual because this is a COUPLE's problem, and the most common form of treatment for it is to help the husband and wife together.
DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old nephew, "Ralphie," gets up at 6:00 every morning. I have two children, a 4-year-old girl and a 15-month-old boy. We are not early risers.
When Ralphie sleeps over, it's usually because his parents are working and there's no school the next day, and they need someone to watch him. When he gets up, he usually wakes up my daughter, and they play loudly in her room.
How should I handle this? I don't want to be a mean aunt, and I don't want to refuse my sister and brother-in-law when they need a favor. -- SLEEPLESS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SLEEPLESS: At 8 years old, your nephew is old enough to understand that you need quiet in your house until a certain hour. Explain that your family is on a different schedule. Put out cereal for him to eat if he is hungry when he awakens in the morning, and be sure he brings a book or a game he can amuse himself with until the day starts with your family. Make it clear that you do not want your daughter disturbed, nor do you want to be awakened before a designated hour -- unless there is an emergency. As long as he is not hungry or bored, I'm sure your nephew will cooperate.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)