For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Feeling Used in Cleveland," who resents her husband's little boy being dumped off by his mother every time she needs a free baby sitter. Your answer was good but not harsh enough.
"Feeling Used" knew the man she married had a child. What makes her think that that little 8-year-old is any less deserving of his father's love, time and attention than the two children she and her husband brought into the world?
She complained about the ex-wife dropping off the boy when he's sick. Instead of complaining, she should give him the TLC he deserves. That child has to watch his dad live with and raise two other kids while he gets shuffled back and forth -- and his STEPMOTHER is resentful? Boy, does she have it backward.
I am a married mother of four, and wish all prospective stepparents would reach down deep to see if they have what it takes. There are many wonderful stepparents out there, but "Feeling Used" has a lot of work to do straightening out her priorities. Sign me ... SICK OF SELFISH STEPPARENTS
DEAR S.S.S.: I agree that the woman needs a quick attitude adjustment. When two people with children marry, there should no longer be "his," "hers" or "mine." Only OURS. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My mother has a stepgrandson who is her responsibility nearly every weekend. "Sean" was left for my mother to care for three weeks after his birth, while his parents took off to join the circus.
While Mom has her share of trials with Sean, she is the only stable and constant element in his life. Instead of bemoaning the situation, she dutifully picked up where Sean's mother and father left off -- and is the most important influence in his life.
I implore "Feeling Used" to dwell less on herself and her needs and to concentrate on caring for her 8-year-old stepson. I guarantee the result -- and the feeling she'll enjoy -- will more than compensate for her time. -- MATTHEW IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR MATTHEW: I admire your mother's love, commitment and wellspring of energy. Today millions of grandparents are raising their grandchildren -- with all of the challenges and rewards that go with it. For those who find it overwhelming, the AARP Grandparent Information Center offers information and referral to local support groups for grandparent caregivers through its national database. To contact the center, write to: AARP Grandparent Information Center, 601 E Street NW, Washington, DC 20049. Call (800) 424-3410; the Web site is www.aarp.org/grandparents.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the resentful stepmom was right on. At the age of 8, I was the resented stepchild, and didn't know why.
When I became a stepmother and was used as the dumping ground by my husband's ex, I received some excellent advice from a close friend: "Forget the reasons why the child is there, just know he needs you. Change your attitude, because you are what you think, and your actions will show it -- good or bad."
Twenty years later, my stepson handed me his newborn and whispered, "I love you for loving me like your own. Here's your grandson, Mom." I sent up a prayer of thanks for her excellent advice, because love is thicker than blood. -- THE LUCKY ONE
DEAR LUCKY ONE: Regardless of your biological relationship to your stepson, you were the parent who counted the most. It is the job of parents -- regardless of blood ties -- to nurture and protect the children given into their keeping.
DEAR ABBY: For 100 years, Americans have shopped in our stores and faithfully contributed clothing and household items to Goodwill Industries. It all began back in 1902, when Edgar J. Helms, a young Methodist minister, took a burlap bag and called on Boston's wealthy citizens to donate whatever clothing they could spare. The Goodwill store was born when Helms hired people in need to repair and sell the donated goods.
Since then, Goodwill Industries has remained true to Helms' compassionate vision. It has evolved into one of the world's largest providers of employment services, helping nearly 6 million people earn a paycheck and support their families.
Last year, Goodwill Industries placed someone in a good job every two minutes of every business day. We train thousands of people in the United States, Canada and 22 other countries for jobs in fields such as financial services, computer programming, hospitality and health care.
As we pause to remember our many blessings this year, we want to say "Thank you" to the 500 million donors who have supported us since 1902, and to the millions more who have shopped at Goodwill stores. "Thank you" to the thousands of volunteers (including your mother, Pauline Phillips) who have given us their time and expertise. "Thank you" to the employees of Goodwill Industries, past and present, who have built an agency that serves 500,000 people each year.
Thank you one and all for believing in the "Power of Work," and for believing in Goodwill Industries. -- GEORGE W. KESSINGER, PRESIDENT, GOODWILL INDUSTRIES INTERNATIONAL
DEAR GEORGE: My mother said it very well back in 1969 when she joined your Board of Advisors: "Because I have boundless respect for those whose prime objective is to help themselves, I feel privileged to be on your team."
May you and all of the other wonderful people at Goodwill Industries International enjoy continued success in your endeavors -- and thank YOU for all you have done for others.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old guy who has been with my girlfriend for two years. We've always had a good thing going, but lately I've been feeling the pressure of living with her. Now we're on the brink of a breakup that is mostly my fault.
The problem is I like to go out and have a good time with the guys, and she's not exactly keen on the idea. What can I do to save our relationship, other than quit hanging out with my friends? Thanks, Abby. -- TORN BETWEEN MY GIRL AND THE GUYS
DEAR TORN: Negotiate. Compromise. One way to accomplish this is to agree on a "girls' night out" and a "boys' night out" -- preferably the same night. Give it a try. You'll both be better off for it.
DEAR ABBY: I thought you might enjoy a joke that I conceived and sent to Reader's Digest.
Question: What do they call Mother Teresa now that she is enjoying her heavenly reward?
Answer: Nun of the above.
Apparently Reader's Digest deemed the joke to be religiously incorrect. They did not reply. -- WARD C. McCURTAIN, BEAUMONT, TEXAS
DEAR WARD: Your joke is cute -- so I'm sharing it with my readers. It was heaven-sent.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BRIDE NEEDS FIANCE'S SUPPORT TO STAND UP TO FATHER-IN-LAW
DEAR Abby: I just read the letter from "Don't Want to Be His Daughter-in-Law" and had to respond.
My husband is a wonderful, kind, caring, responsible man. However his father is crude, rude, and has made sexual advances to me.
From my personal experience, you CAN have a good, strong marriage, even if your father-in-law is horrid. Our solution was to invite our friends to our wedding and ignore my future father-in-law's guest list, serve no alcohol at the reception, treat him kindly without letting him walk all over us, and after the wedding -- we moved! We now live two hours away. Most important, her fiance must stand up for her, back her up, and not be cowed by his father. -- HAPPY WIFE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HAPPY WIFE: Thank you for some excellent suggestions. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That bride-to-be and her fiance should get premarital counseling to work out how to cope with his family. He may also have some problems down the road being a good husband and father, since he did not have a good role model. Counseling and some good self-help books about being the child of an alcoholic will also help. Also, they should attend Al-Anon meetings and learn how to say no to the alcoholic when it comes to their lives.
And last but not least, I recommend she stop calling them "drunks." They are "alcoholics" suffering from a terrible disease that often has its roots in genetics. -- KATHARINE IN FREDERICKSBURG, VA.
DEAR KATHARINE: I won't quarrel with you on that one. And your idea of premarital counseling is a good one. Another helpful resource might be ACA -- Adult Children of Alcoholics. (It is also in the phone book.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and will be married next September. Usually the father of the bride walks her down the aisle, but I want my father's brother to be the one to do the honors.
When I mentioned it to my father's wife, she told me he'd be very upset if I asked my uncle and not him. However, there's a reason why I want to ask my uncle. Many years ago, he lost his wife and two little girls in a tragic accident. I feel that asking him to walk me down the aisle would make him feel that although his daughters are gone, he can still have that moment every father dreams of when he brings a daughter into this world.
I view it this way: My father still has his daughter to see and talk to whenever he wants; my uncle doesn't. What do you think of my idea? I have many months to plan this, and I want my father's help as well. -- UNDECIDED IN VERMONT
DEAR UNDECIDED: You have a heart of gold and are well-intentioned. However, as much as you might wish to, you cannot change history. Your father should walk you down the aisle. If you want your uncle to be a part of your wedding, please consider another role for him. Perhaps he could be part of the wedding party, or do a reading during the service. That way there will be no ill feelings on the part of anyone on this happy occasion.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a Merry Christmas, but please keep in mind: If you're drinking, don't drive; if you're driving, don't drink.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)