CONFIDENTIAL TO DONE WRONG IN WICHITA: Take the high road. Do nothing impulsive. Remember the words of Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626): "By taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing over it, he is superior."
Attempts at Holiday Conversion Leave Woman With Little Joy
DEAR ABBY: I am a Hindu woman living in the Bible Belt. Many of my friends and acquaintances are Christian, and they are all wonderful -- except for one thing. Some try in small, subtle ways to convert me to their faith.
With Christmas approaching, I know what's coming -- boxes of baked goodies with little brochures and pamphlets tucked inside all about Jesus and the Christian faith. I wish you would remind people that all of us in this diverse nation should respect the faiths of others. To try to convert someone to your faith implies that you consider your religious beliefs superior, and that is just plain wrong.
I know these gestures are well meant, but I wouldn't dream of sending Hindu brochures with my holiday goodies. Abby, what is a tactful, but firm, way of dealing with this? -- HAPPY HINDU IN THE BIBLE BELT
DEAR HAPPY HINDU: Much as you would like, you are not going to change people who feel it's part of their religious commitment to "save" you. Ignore the brochures and enjoy the goodies -- unless you have lost your appetite. If that's the case, donate the treats to a homeless shelter or take them to the office.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old boy facing a heap of problems this year. I'm taking some very difficult college-level classes. I don't have a great grade point average, but I manage to stay around 3.3.
I don't plan on applying to an Ivy League school, but Mom thinks I won't get accepted anywhere without at least a 3.5 GPA. She won't let me get a part-time job until I raise my GPA to 3.5 -- which means I am totally dependent on her for spending money.
Mom complains that I'm not putting in enough time on my schoolwork and that she spends too much money on me. I'd be glad to cover my expenses if she'd let me get a part-time job.
It may sound like it would be too hard to improve my GPA, but I'm working at it and I'm proud of my grades. I just don't know what to do about my mom. -- TROUBLED IN MISSOURI
DEAR TROUBLED: If there is a counselor at your school, ask him or her to speak to your mother about your grades as well as your prospects. Your mother is trying to be a conscientious parent and to see to it that you have a successful future. However, if you are working at your capacity, a compromise is in order.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ken," and I have been together four years. We plan to become engaged during the holidays. Kenny is my heart and soul, and he feels the same about me.
I have one small problem. There is a guy at work I find very attractive. There's something about him that makes my mind wander "off-track." Is it only lust? I cannot imagine cheating on Kenny -- and I never would.
Is this attraction normal? Or does it mean I'm doubting my love for Kenny? -- NEEDS TO KNOW ASAP IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: It's normal. That's why the wedding vows read "forsaking all others." There is nothing wrong with being attracted to more than one person as long as you don't act on it. If this continues to trouble you, a couple of sessions with a counselor will help you to put things in perspective.
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Woman Not in Giving Mood for Office Gift Exchange
DEAR ABBY: I work for a small company with 25 employees. Four of us are in the office all day -- all women. To put it mildly, I have never felt accepted by these "ladies." During this past year, they've been especially hateful to me. Other employees tell me it's pure jealousy.
My problem: The holidays are now here. What should I do about participating in the traditional gift exchange at the office? Should I buy each gal a gift out of the spirit of giving, even though I have no desire to do so? Or should I make it clear that I do not wish to exchange presents, which could make matters worse? I feel stuck, Abby. Please help me out. -- TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR TO GIVE OR NOT TO GIVE: Buy a lovely pastry or some other treat that everyone in the office can enjoy. Include a card with it that reads: "My budget this year does not allow me to give individual gifts to each of you. -- Enjoy! Merry Christmas." That way, you'll have participated "in the spirit of giving" without feeling hypocritical.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old single mother of five. I have been married and divorced three times. Right now that's the least of my problems. I've been dating "Gordy" for two years, and the idea of marriage has crossed my mind more than once.
Gordy loves my kids and they love him, but he says he's not ready to make the kind of commitment that comes with marriage. The kids are not the problem; I don't have custody. I get them only every other weekend and holidays, so it's not the responsibility of taking care of a big family that's holding Gordy back. He says he'd be OK with all that. I'm afraid my past three failed marriages bother him. All he's willing to admit is that he's "not ready."
Abby, I feel that I am ready. Should I sit back and give Gordy more time, or confront him and give an ultimatum? Please help. -- CONFUSED AND TIRED OF WAITING
DEAR CONFUSED: Let me get this straight. You've had three failed marriages and five children by age 26 -- and now, at 28, you're tired of waiting for yet another man to propose?
I should think you'd be grateful for the respite. Please take more time to get to know yourself better and get counseling to understand why your last three marriages failed before you embark on a fourth trip to the altar.
A final thought: Never issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to lose.
DEAR ABBY: I am not an astronomer or a religious person. I just like to have a heart-to-heart talk with God whenever I am outdoors under the stars and moonlight sky. I think they make a great pair. Is there a religion that encourages this? Thank you. -- J.B. IN WATERLOO, N.Y.
DEAR J.B.: All religions encourage meditation -- which is what you are describing. You don't even have to do it under the moon and the stars. Talking to the God that dwells in your heart is enough, because God is everywhere.
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YOUNG LOVERS MUST GROW UP BEFORE TRYING TO BE GROWN-UPS
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Totally in Love" about his relationship with a 13-year-old girl. You advised him that if "things went too far," he could find himself in legal trouble. That's an understatement.
I am a probation officer. Last Friday, I sat in court while a client of mine was sentenced to three years (the low end of the guidelines) for having consensual sex with a 13-year-old. The girl had told him she was 15 and said so in court. Once released from the penitentiary, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
That 18-year-old needs to watch himself. He also needs to ask himself why he can't date girls his own age. Here in Virginia, if an 18-year-old has sex with a 13-year-old, he's a sex offender -- whether or not the girl was willing. -- CONCERNED IN MANASSAS
DEAR CONCERNED: I hope "Totally in Love" sees your letter. Its message is sobering. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Totally in Love" was great, but you left something out. I'm 19, and don't profess to know everything, but someone needs to explain to him about how 13-year-olds think. At that age, none of us had any idea what love was. Puberty struck most of us full-force and our hormones were going nuts -- way too early to make lifelong commitments, especially to an 18-year-old guy.
The girl's mind is going to change so much as she grows up and finds out who she is and what she wants. She may not like him anymore when she gets a little older, and if she says it won't change, she's lying to herself and to him.
Abby, that guy needs not only to come clean about his age to her mother, but also not dream too far ahead in the future. He should wait until she grows up before lifelong commitments come into the picture. -- A WOMAN WHO REMEMBERS THAT AGE
DEAR REMEMBERS: It's unfortunate that 13-year-old girl doesn't have a sister like you. You have given sage advice.
DEAR ABBY: While I agree with your advice to "Totally in Love," I feel there is a bit more to say. From personal experience, I have found that if young people (such as his 13-year-old girlfriend) have an "exclusive" relationship, what happens is that she is excluded from the normal passages of youth. I cannot see how what people feel at 13 could possibly be what they want at 18, 21, etc.
And if the relationship does "go too far," then what? Two children with a child? That young girl may well regret and resent the exclusiveness of the relationship she had when she was young.
I hope the parents of BOTH these young people help them to see that it's better to allow each other time to grow up before they try to be grown-ups. If they're truly meant to be together, no amount of time will change their feelings for each other, and eventually they'll be able to share life experiences they'll never have in the relationship they have now. I wish them the best. -- AN EXPERIENCED OLDER PERSON
DEAR EXPERIENCED: You have a wise and compassionate perspective. Several readers also pointed out that the age difference between this young man and the girl is so great that it is not a relationship of equals. Few girls that age can say no to someone that much older and more experienced.
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