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YOUNG LOVERS MUST GROW UP BEFORE TRYING TO BE GROWN-UPS
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Totally in Love" about his relationship with a 13-year-old girl. You advised him that if "things went too far," he could find himself in legal trouble. That's an understatement.
I am a probation officer. Last Friday, I sat in court while a client of mine was sentenced to three years (the low end of the guidelines) for having consensual sex with a 13-year-old. The girl had told him she was 15 and said so in court. Once released from the penitentiary, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
That 18-year-old needs to watch himself. He also needs to ask himself why he can't date girls his own age. Here in Virginia, if an 18-year-old has sex with a 13-year-old, he's a sex offender -- whether or not the girl was willing. -- CONCERNED IN MANASSAS
DEAR CONCERNED: I hope "Totally in Love" sees your letter. Its message is sobering. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Totally in Love" was great, but you left something out. I'm 19, and don't profess to know everything, but someone needs to explain to him about how 13-year-olds think. At that age, none of us had any idea what love was. Puberty struck most of us full-force and our hormones were going nuts -- way too early to make lifelong commitments, especially to an 18-year-old guy.
The girl's mind is going to change so much as she grows up and finds out who she is and what she wants. She may not like him anymore when she gets a little older, and if she says it won't change, she's lying to herself and to him.
Abby, that guy needs not only to come clean about his age to her mother, but also not dream too far ahead in the future. He should wait until she grows up before lifelong commitments come into the picture. -- A WOMAN WHO REMEMBERS THAT AGE
DEAR REMEMBERS: It's unfortunate that 13-year-old girl doesn't have a sister like you. You have given sage advice.
DEAR ABBY: While I agree with your advice to "Totally in Love," I feel there is a bit more to say. From personal experience, I have found that if young people (such as his 13-year-old girlfriend) have an "exclusive" relationship, what happens is that she is excluded from the normal passages of youth. I cannot see how what people feel at 13 could possibly be what they want at 18, 21, etc.
And if the relationship does "go too far," then what? Two children with a child? That young girl may well regret and resent the exclusiveness of the relationship she had when she was young.
I hope the parents of BOTH these young people help them to see that it's better to allow each other time to grow up before they try to be grown-ups. If they're truly meant to be together, no amount of time will change their feelings for each other, and eventually they'll be able to share life experiences they'll never have in the relationship they have now. I wish them the best. -- AN EXPERIENCED OLDER PERSON
DEAR EXPERIENCED: You have a wise and compassionate perspective. Several readers also pointed out that the age difference between this young man and the girl is so great that it is not a relationship of equals. Few girls that age can say no to someone that much older and more experienced.
Wife Who's Tired of Husband Finds What She Wants in Class
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Howard," and I have been married five years. I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore. I haven't told him I feel this way, but he senses "something" is wrong. I'm afraid to bring it up because he has low self-esteem and becomes defensive. He fits the profile of a co-dependent person -- and lately I feel like I'm his mother.
I love Howard dearly. He has helped me raise my son. But I can't afford to waste the rest of my life with someone who is so insecure that I can't even polish my fingernails without him saying, "Got a date?" This is no way to live, and I'm tired of it.
The twist to the story is that I attend school part time and have become friends with a man I'll call "Gary," with whom I am absolutely fascinated. Gary is attractive, smart, and knows what he wants out of life -- and has a plan to get there. (I keep asking myself, where was Gary when I was single?)
I live in a small town and can't talk to anyone about my situation. Any suggestions? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If I were you, I'd slow down and not destroy a marriage that has worked for five years. Nowhere in your letter have you indicated that Gary is interested in anything more than a casual relationship.
Your husband's self-esteem can be boosted through counseling and your emotional support. There is always going to be someone who is richer, smarter, more handsome and more aggressive. However, it doesn't guarantee the person will make you happy.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away three years ago. A year or so after her death, my 67-year-old father looked up "Enid," an old girlfriend he dated while he was in his early 20s. She was married, but was happy to meet with him. It didn't take long to rekindle their romance, and as soon as her divorce was final, they were married.
Dad asked her repeatedly how many times she had been married and how the marriages ended. Enid maintained that there were three marriages; one made her a widow, while the other two ended in divorce -- and it was the fault of the husband both times.
One of Enid's family members has tipped me off that she wasn't honest with Dad. There were a total of five marriages and four divorces.
What should I do with this information, Abby? Should I let Dad go to his grave without ever knowing the truth, in order to spare his feelings? Should I tell him? I was raised to value honesty and honor. Please point me to the path I should take. -- WANTS THE BEST FOR DAD IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WANTS THE BEST: Your dad should be told the truth immediately. There are legal implications when someone conceals that kind of information, and your father should discuss them with his lawyer. Enid could be ashamed of her multiple failed marriages or she could be a shady lady with plenty to hide. Either way, your dad should be given the opportunity to find out whom he's dealing with.
DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks I'm weird because I put ice cream on my shredded wheat in the mornings. I figure it's a dairy product, and besides, it tastes good! What's your opinion? -- EVERETT IN LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR EVERETT: If you're not concerned about saturated fat or calories, the practice is all right with me. However, an equally tasty and healthier alternative would be to sweeten your cereal with flavored nonfat yogurt. (It's delicious with oatmeal.)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Suffering Seizures Has Options for Help and Hope
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Willing in Wheeling, W.Va," I just about cried. She's the young woman who's in love with "Cyrus," the man who can't work because he has a seizure disorder.
Every state has a department or division of vocational rehabilitation. These state agencies help individuals with disabilities to become gainfully employed. A rehabilitation counselor will assist Cyrus to identify his strengths and abilities and help him determine if working is an option for him at this time. If working is an option, the counselor can assist him in getting appropriate training, job placement assistance and help with accommodations on the job.
Many people with disabilities can work given the proper guidance, training and a supportive employer. -- REHABILITATION COUNSELOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR COUNSELOR: My experts tell me that employees with disabilities tend to have attendance records that are as good as people without disabilities. Perhaps they are more determined to prove themselves. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: If that girl really loves Cyrus, what her friends say shouldn't matter. My husband has the same problem. If you love someone, you love him for strengths and weaknesses. I married my husband for his love, not what my friends thought about him. -- CRYSTAL IN ALAMOGORDO, N.M.
DEAR CRYSTAL: You are obviously a mature adult who knows what she wants and what's important. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It isn't easy being in Cyrus' place. I should know; I live it day in and day out. I have a condition called epilepsy, and if I let it, it would take over my life. I was born with it but was not diagnosed until I was 10. I am fortunate that my seizures are not as frequent, but it does limit my options.
"Willing" sounds like a wonderful person. She's what Cyrus needs to get through a life of frustration. Medications can control seizures, and science is coming up with new innovations every day. Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great were epileptics, and it didn't deter them from finding their places in history.
Please tell "Willing" to follow her heart. It may be hard, but it can also be worthwhile. -- JENNIFER IN CASTLE ROCK, COLO.
DEAR JENNIFER: Thank you for mentioning that epileptic seizures can be controlled with medications (although it was unclear from "Willing's" letter what the cause of Cyrus' seizures was). I spoke with Peter Van Haverbeke of the national office of the Epilepsy Foundation in Landover, Md. Here's what he had to say:
"The future for people with epilepsy is much better than many people think. New medications, surgical options, an implantable electrical stimulation device and even a unique high-fat diet now treat people who couldn't be helped before. If Cyrus isn't under the care of an epilepsy specialist, seeing one now might reduce, or perhaps even eliminate, his seizures.
"Unemployment is the No. 1 non-medical problem for people with epilepsy. Checking out the state's vocational services is a good place to start. Most local epilepsy foundations can also provide information about these and other available employment services. Your readers can get the address for the nearest epilepsy foundation by calling 1-800-332-1000 or online at www.epilepsyfoundation.org."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)