Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Easy Target for Abusive Men Needs to Stay Out of Range
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old single female. My past has been filled with physical, mental and emotional abuse that began when I was 5. I always believed that even though my past was bad, things would get better.
Well, two marriages and several bad relationships later, it seems I only attract men who are either physically abusive, emotionally unavailable, or both. All of my relationships are somehow abusive.
I am so sad and lonely that I have even considered suicide. I know I have something to live for, but I just don't know what. Could there be something in my character that tells men I am an easy target for them? Please help me. -- LOST AND UNLOVED IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR LOST: There is nothing lacking in your character. You were brought up to believe that physical abuse, mind games and lack of emotional support were normal behavior that should be tolerated.
Can this be overcome? Absolutely! However, you'll have to rebuild your expectations from the ground up. Until this is done, I'd advise you to abstain from romantic involvement. Professional counseling will speed the process. You have much to live for. But in order to reach your goal, you'll have to "unlearn" many of the things you have taken for granted as normal.
DEAR ABBY: I love your "no gifts" message for invitations: "Your friendship is a treasured gift, and we respectfully request no other." I use it a lot.
Now I need a phrase or short note that will allow my 78-year-old mother to give treasured heirlooms to the person of her choice.
I would have loved to receive the banana pudding bowl that belonged to my dear late aunt. It elicited many cherished memories. It was faded and chipped, and I'm sure it was at some point thrown away.
Abby, you have a way with words, so I'm looking forward to your response. Thanks! -- LORI RAMPEY, PIEDMONT, S.C.
DEAR LORI: How's this: "This ( ) has been in my family for many years and is a treasured heirloom. May it bring as much enjoyment to you as it has to me and our family. With love, ..."
DEAR ABBY: I am facing my worst nightmare. While I was still dating my husband, I had an affair with a married man. I broke it off when my husband-to-be proposed. I never told my fiance about the affair.
Last week, I learned that the wife of the man I was involved with found one of the "intimate" items I had given him. She has now gone to a lawyer and is seeking a divorce. I am afraid I may be called to testify if the divorce proceedings go that far.
I am scared to tell my husband. I'm afraid he will leave me if he finds out. I have been completely faithful my entire marriage -- and plan to remain so.
What should I do, Abby? Confess to my husband that I cheated prior to marrying him -- or wait and see if the attorney or the wife of my ex-lover contacts me? -- SCARED AND LOST IN FLORIDA
DEAR SCARED AND LOST: How you have conducted yourself since your marriage began is more important than any youthful indiscretion. As far as your "need" to confess, you've now confessed to my readers and me. Let the past stay buried for now. If you receive a summons to testify in the divorce, there'll be plenty of time to tell your husband about this episode from your past.
AUNT'S PLEA FOR COMPASSION WON'T HEAL FAMILY'S WOUND
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman facing a tough dilemma. My parents divorced when I was 7. My father was a drunk and a wife beater and refused to pay the $5 a week that Mom asked for the four of us. He spread nasty rumors around town, which caused my mother untold stress. He brought his drunken friends into our bathroom when I was in the tub with no shower curtain. He would drag me out of bed in the middle of the night and make me take off my nightgown while he whipped me with a belt. I do not hate the man -- I have no feelings for him at all.
The problem is my aunt -- his sister -- who always remembered each of our birthdays with a $20 bill. We lived far below poverty level with no welfare because Mom didn't want us to grow up expecting a handout. Last week my aunt sent me a birthday card and asked me to do her a personal favor by sending my father the get-well card she had enclosed, as he just had surgery for cancer. She said it would mean the world to him and to her.
I love my aunt -- she's recovering from cancer, too. She has never asked me for anything, but her request is very hard for me. My aunt has always thought her brother was the victim of my "mean" mother -- who, by the way, raised three good kids who never tried drugs, have high morals and strong work ethics. In her letter, my aunt said that someday I would find out my parents' "whole story -- the true one." Abby, I KNOW the true one. I lived it!
Should I write to my aunt and tell her the "true story" of her abusive brother? Or should I grant her wish and send a get-well card to my father -- the wife beater and child abuser? Please help. -- LOSING SLEEP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR LOSING SLEEP: By all means, write to your aunt. Tell her how much you appreciate her kindness and all she has done for you and your siblings over the years. Be sure to assure her that you know she means well, but make it clear that you are unable to do as she requested -- and tell her exactly why.
DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son just lost his best friend to suicide. He is deeply hurt and torn over this, and I don't know what I can do to help him. He has been getting drunk ever since it happened.
I went to the funeral with my son, but he didn't want to sit with me. He sat with his friends. After the service, he rode with them to the cemetery, but they somehow got lost in traffic and arrived too late for the burial. I know that's what is hurting him most right now, since he was asked to be a pallbearer and didn't get to do the last thing he could do for his best buddy.
All this took place on Friday; I have not seen my son until now. It is early Sunday morning; he just came home drunk and crying. He went straight to bed, and I could hear him crying himself to sleep.
When I ask him if he's OK, he says yes -- but I know he's not. I'm afraid he is going to get worse, because he's taking this so hard. The boys were as close as brothers. In fact, he was closer to his friend than his own brother.
My heart is breaking for my son, Abby. What can I do for him? -- BROKENHEARTED MOM IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR BROKENHEARTED MOM: Get him into grief counseling immediately. Your son is in pain and needs professional help. Drowning his sorrows in a bottle will not help your son, and could put him in a dangerous situation. He needs a safe place to express his sadness, his anger and his loss. Your family physician or clergyperson can help you locate a therapist or a support group.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: This is a first for us, but I just had to write after my experience with your famous pecan pie recipe.
My husband read the recipe in your column last year and asked me to make one for Thanksgiving. We had our family over for dinner, and when I asked if anyone would like dessert, our son-in-law asked for the pecan pie. I served him a slice, and his response was, "D---, this is good!"
Shortly thereafter, without being asked, our son-in-law got up from the table and proceeded to clean up the kitchen. A first! I told him with that kind of reaction I'll make Abby's pecan pie for him EVERY holiday. Thanks, Abby. -- DOROTHY AND JIM SMITH, LE SUEUR, MINN.
DEAR DOROTHY AND JIM: You're welcome. That wasn't the first time this recipe has made people do wonderful and unexpected things. Here it is:
ABBY'S FAMOUS PECAN PIE
9-inch unbaked pie crust
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
3 eggs, slightly beaten
1/3 cup butter, melted
1/3 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 heaping cup pecan halves
Heat oven to 350 degrees.
In a large bowl, combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, salt and vanilla; mix well. Pour filling into unbaked pie crust; sprinkle with pecan halves.
Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is set. (Toothpick inserted in center will come out clean when pie is done.) Cool. If crust or pie appears to be getting too brown, cover with foil for the remaining baking time.
You can top it with a bit of whipped cream, but even plain, nothing tops this!
Serves 8 to 10.
TIP: The original recipe stated that the pie should be baked 45 to 50 minutes in a preheated 350-degree GAS oven. If an electric oven is used, it may be necessary to add 15 to 20 minutes to the baking time. (Begin testing the pie with a toothpick after 45 minutes.)
DEAR ABBY: What does "heavy cream" mean in recipes? I often see the term used, but it doesn't say what it is. Thanks! -- NOVICE COOK IN BENTON, KY.
DEAR NOVICE COOK: I checked with Charlice Makowski of Santee Dairies in Los Angeles. She reports that there are actually four kinds of cream:
-- Light cream, which has not less than 18 percent or more than 30 percent butterfat;
-- Whipping cream, which has between 34 and 36 percent butterfat;
-- Heavy cream, which has between 36 and 38 percent butterfat; and
-- Manufacturer's cream, which contains 38 to 40 percent butterfat and is used by delis and bakeries for items such as cream puffs.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)