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Woman Ready to Leave Nest but Boyfriend Refuses to Fly
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and have been living with my boyfriend, "Doug," and his dad for the past year. Doug is my best friend, and I'm in love with him.
My problem is I'm ready for us to go out into the world and get our own place, but Doug is not. Lately we have been fighting a lot over little things -- but sometimes it's the little things that count.
The three of us live in a one-bedroom apartment. Doug and I have the bedroom, and his dad sleeps in the living room, which means we have to go to bed at night even when we're not ready.
I love to cook and I long for my own kitchen. Not only is there a lack of privacy, but there is no place for me to put all my nice things.
I am ready to grow up and leave the nest, but my boyfriend isn't. His dad gives him money all the time, and we don't pay rent. Doug feels we've got it made. He doesn't understand my desire for independence.
What should I do? I don't want to leave him. Every time we kiss, it's like the first time. -- READY TO GROW UP AND MOVE OUT IN FLORIDA
DEAR READY: You have some hard choices to make. You may love Doug, but at this point you both want (and need) different things. You have matured and are ready for independence. He is still financially and emotionally dependent on his father. This may be a case of the right person at the wrong time. Please don't put your life on hold waiting for this young man to grow up. It could take a very long time.
DEAR ABBY: I am embroiled in an awkward situation. A year ago I changed jobs. Within a few weeks I met "Bill," and we became good friends. Six months later, we started dating and eventually began sleeping together.
Now it seems all Bill wants to do is have sex! I have told him that I believe a relationship should be based on more than hopping in the sack, but his response is always that we still do "other stuff," and sex is important to him.
Abby, the only time I see him outside the bedroom is at the office where we keep our relationship strictly professional. He recently got a promotion and is now my boss.
I want to go back to being friends with Bill, but am afraid if I suggest it he'll make my work life miserable. I've tried to distance myself by going out with friends on my days off, but he goes out of his way to make me feel guilty about not being with him.
Abby, right now the situation's getting so bad that I am seriously considering asking for a transfer to our company's other office out of state. I can't afford to quit and look for another position -- and besides, I love my job. It accommodates my class schedule at college, and I don't want to change schools in midstream. Please come up with some ideas on how to get out of this mess. Sign me ... WORK/SEX DON'T MIX, WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR W/S DON'T MIX: You must get out of there as quickly as you can even if it means changing colleges. Tell your new boss you want that transfer, and if he tries to prevent it, tell the whole story to the human resources department at your company. They should be glad to help you, considering the alternative could be a nasty, embarrassing lawsuit.
STUDENT PLANS POST-GRADUATE DATING COURSE WITH TEACHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with my teacher. I'm 18; he is 23 and single. I have been in love with him since I met him 18 months ago.
He hasn't done anything that could cost him his career, but there have been times when he has shown interest in me. Recently, though, I was told by the principal to "be careful." Not to stop, mind you -- just be careful.
I still love him as much as I ever did, but I can't show it. I graduate in December and was planning on talking to him about this then. Between now and then, though, what should I do? -- IN LOVE IN LA FAYETTE, GA.
DEAR IN LOVE: Until then, you and the teacher should do as the principal urged. Be careful. If you don't, you could harm your reputation and this young man's career.
The best advice I can offer is to play it cool -- very cool -- until at least six months after you graduate. That way, if your interest is reciprocated, he cannot be accused of jumping the gun and starting a relationship while you were still a student. This may seem like a long time to wait, but it's best for both of you. Tongues will wag even then, so I urge you not to give them grist for the rumor mill.
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend constantly gives me hickeys. Despite the fact that I have asked him not to, he intentionally marks my neck and throat on a weekly basis.
I am in my mid-20s and find these bright-red marks both unprofessional and unnecessary. I have also tried wearing perfume or moisturizer on my neck to get him to stop.
How do I prevent the hickeys, or do I have to get rid of the boyfriend? -- EMBARRASSED IN ORLANDO
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Either your boyfriend has an immature sense of humor, or he is making the marks so others will know he is intimate with you. I can understand your embarrassment in the workplace.
Tell him the hickeys have to go -- or he will. You shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life wearing turtleneck sweaters because you have a boyfriend who is insecure unless he has "marked his territory."
DEAR ABBY: Prior to my older sister's recent death, she shared a family secret. She told me that in the 1960s, while he was serving in the U.S. military in a foreign country, our brother had fathered a child. He was young and fresh out of high school.
My sister said our now-deceased mother had opened a letter addressed to my brother from the baby's mother saying his child was born. She read it -- and tore it up. To my sister's knowledge, Mother never shared the news with my brother.
Now that I am over the shock, I am struggling as to what to do with this information -- if anything. (My brother is happily married with grown children.)
What would you do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT: Since the woman had your mother's address in the States, she clearly was more than a one-night stand. If I were you, I would tell my brother privately. He has a right to know.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Absence of Affection Makes Woman Doubt Man's Love
DEAR ABBY: I have a somewhat heart-wrenching dilemma. Last night, I told my fiance that I loved him so much I would be devastated if something happened to him. He didn't say anything. Then I asked him if he felt the same way. He said, "Well ... probably." Abby, he is not affectionate and there have been many times when I have doubted his love for me. He treats my son like his own, though. We've discussed this, and he always tells me I overreact. What should I do? -- FEELING HURT IN RENO
DEAR FEELING HURT: You are looking for reassurance; he's a poor communicator. Clip this column and be sure he sees it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I enlisted shortly after Pearl Harbor. Thirty-six days later, I was on my way to the Philippines. En route, the Philippines fell to the Japanese, and we were routed to Australia. Eleven days after we landed, I met the most beautiful girl in the world.
On our first date, I told her I was going to marry her. I did, 18 months later, while on a 10-day R-and-R leave from New Guinea.
After more than 57 years of marriage and two children, my beloved "Mary" died five days before Christmas. Although we agreed that our ashes were to be scattered over the mountains, I found I could not part with hers.
While Mary was alive, she would frequently say, "You don't know how much I love you." I'd reply, "Likewise." I never said, "I love you." Now her ashes are on my dresser, where I tell her several times a day how much I love her, but it's too late. Although I wrote poetry to her, I could not bring myself to say the three words I knew she wanted most to hear.
As my dearest was dying and we thought she was comatose, I told her, "There aren't enough words to tell you how much I love you." A few hours later, she whispered, "Not enough words" and died.
The reason I'm writing is to urge men to express their feelings while their loved ones are alive. I don't know why, but many men are reluctant to express the depth of their feelings. -- MISSING MARY IN COLORADO
DEAR MISSING MARY: Perhaps it's because they were taught as boys that it's unmanly to express emotion -- which they have interpreted to mean that expressing heartfelt emotion is a sign of weakness. Fortunately, in these "liberated" times, that philosophy is changing because we now know that expressing one's feelings is healthy for both men and women.
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I need your advice. We know our stepfather is cheating on our mother, but we don't know what to do. We love our stepdad and would never have thought this could happen -- but it's become a cold reality.
We cannot just sit and watch our mother be taken advantage of. It feels like we are betraying Mom by not telling her what we know.
She reads your column faithfully and has often clipped it for us to read. Abby, please help us. We're at a loss. -- NEEDING ADVICE ASAP IN KENTUCKY
DEAR NEEDING ADVICE: You have been placed in a terrible position. Tell your stepfather what you know, and give him a deadline to break off the affair -- or else YOU will tell your mother. And if he doesn't do it, follow through.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)