Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
If Your Partner Shows These Signs, It's Time to Get Out
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from a woman who is in prison for killing her live-in abuser, with the promise that today I would print the warning signs of a potential abuser. Read on:
The following signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.:
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
If the abuse has gone this far, it's time to get out! The toll-free number for the domestic violence hot line is (800) 799-7233.
Woman Escapes One Prison Only to Face Life in Another
DEAR ABBY: I never imagined I would find myself trapped in an abusive relationship, let alone end up in jail for shooting my abuser -- but that's where I am.
My live-in abused me for years. Once our son was born, his brutality increased, and my baby was used as a pawn to prevent me from calling the police. The one and only time I did call for help, all they did was tell my partner to leave the house and sleep somewhere else. Never was I advised to get a protection order or offered any other assistance.
Once my baby's father saw what he could get away with, the beatings increased in frequency and severity. If I'd attempt to call 9-1-1, he would grab our son and his diaper bag and threaten to disappear with our child if I made the call.
When I actually tried to leave with the baby, my abuser promised he'd kill me before I reached the door. He said if I managed to get away, he'd track me down at my parents' home out of state and "take care of me" there.
I was too ashamed to tell my co-workers, friends and acquaintances that I was being abused. I covered my bruises with makeup and was careful to keep my distance for fear someone would see the marks. I was afraid if anyone discovered the beatings, this man would abuse me more -- or kill me -- so no one knew how terrified I was.
After hearing our toddler scream in terror as he watched his father give me the worst beating of my life, I finally decided to protect myself. I bought a gun (complete with child safety lock), thinking that when he came after me again, he'd see I had a gun and leave me alone.
I had never owned or fired a gun in my life and didn't intend to use that one. It was meant to be a scare tactic, but he was accidentally shot fatally.
In a state of panic, I hid his body for two months before being arrested. I was charged with murder and now face the death penalty.
My little boy is in foster care. My abuser's relatives, who ignored him for the first 20 months of his life, are now fighting my parents for custody. I have not seen my child since the day I was arrested. My parents' world has been turned upside down.
Abby, please urge every abused woman to speak out and tell people what is happening at home -- AND THEN RUN. Run as fast and as far away as possible. It's better to run than to have someone lose their life. Some may fear if they run, they'll lose everything. Wrong! They'll lose everything if they STAY.
If my letter saves just one victim of abuse, it will have been worth it. My life and future are over. I traded the prison of domestic abuse for a real-life prison. Sign me ... LOST IT ALL IN PHILADELPHIA
DEAR LOST IT ALL: My prayers are with you, and I hope you are dealt with more compassionately by the legal system than you were by the person who drove you to desperation. I also hope that others will learn from your bitter experience.
Tomorrow I will print once again the 15 warning signs of an abuser.
A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins collect their loot. Please supervise them so they'll be safe.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am an African-American reader, and as a young black woman I am fed up with the images of young women in our music videos of today. We are displayed as sex objects, and those images are imprinted into the minds of our young children. Boys think that girls are supposed to be treated the way rappers and singers treat women in the videos, and young girls think the only way to secure male attention is by being half-naked.
We, as women, are losing our sense of self-respect. We should take pride in our minds, not just our bodies.
Should we blame ourselves for participating in such videos, for allowing our young boys and girls to watch this on TV, or for not protesting?
I feel so overwhelmed. Who do we blame? Where does it end? How do we stop this? -- NOT JUST BREASTS AND THIGHS IN BALTIMORE
DEAR N.J.B. & T: Don't get caught up in the blame game. I agree that people -- not just women -- should take pride in their minds and not just their bodies. One important way to accomplish this is to stress to children that what is on television is, for the most part, meant to be entertainment -- not an accurate reflection of life. Children need to understand that as glamorous as life seems to be in the music videos, the REAL road to success lies in getting a good education and learning to respect themselves and others.
DEAR ABBY: I'm about to be married for the second time. My parents love my fiance, "Greg," unlike my first husband whom they despised. We spend a lot of time with my parents. Greg and my father get along extremely well. The wedding is this month. We have planned a cruise for our honeymoon.
We have invited my parents to join us on the cruise because their anniversary is this month, and they have never been on a cruise. My parents thought it was a wonderful idea.
Now, however, they are wavering about whether to go because my younger sister has told Mother she doesn't want them to go, and she doesn't understand why we would invite them on our honeymoon in the first place! I am very angry and upset that they would consider changing their plans in order to make my sister happy. Should I confront her about her jealousy? Why would she deliberately sabotage our relationship with the folks when things between us are so great? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN RALEIGH, N.C.
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Because your sister is insecure. She views you and your fiance's relationship as threatening to her position in the family structure. Confronting her about her jealousy and insecurity will only fan the flames. It is your parents who must stand their ground and refuse to be manipulated out of the trip of a lifetime. Your sister is out of line, and your parents must be strong enough to lovingly, but firmly, put her in her place.
DEAR ABBY: Last night, a really cute guy kissed me. He says he wants nothing further to do with me unless I will have sexual relations with him -- then he will date me. I like him a lot and really want this to work out. What should I do? -- GOING ON 16 IN OHIO
DEAR GOING ON 16: He may be cute, but you have described a user and a loser. A reader once sent me the following -- and it applies to you:
"When I saw him, I liked him.
"When I liked him, I loved him.
"When I loved him, I let him.
"When I let him, I lost him."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)