For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
FIANCEE LEFT WAITING HAS TIME FOR SECOND THOUGHTS
DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to a man who has been married twice. He has a child by each of his ex-wives. He has been divorced from his first wife for seven years. They have a friendly relationship. Whenever they drop off or pick up their 9-year-old son, they spend at least 25 to 30 minutes talking. I sometimes go with him, and he will leave me in the car for that amount of time. He can't understand why I get upset. He thinks I am jealous, which I am not. I'm glad he has a good relationship with her since he doesn't with his second wife. They're always arguing over their 2-year-old.
Abby, do you think I am biting off more than I can chew? -- LEFT IN THE CAR IN DES MOINES
DEAR LEFT IN THE CAR: Only you can answer that question. You are engaged to a man with a past -- and the "souvenirs" to prove it.
From my perspective, it is rude to keep someone waiting more than 15 minutes. However, because you know what to expect, I suggest you take a book or a couple of magazines with you. It will lessen the boredom.
His ex-wives will always be the mothers of his children, and this problem won't go away by itself. Since the situation is upsetting, premarital counseling might help you and your fiance resolve this issue before you get to the altar.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who really needs your help. I'm in love with a boy, "Lowell," who is two years older. We've kissed and stuff. Lowell says he loves me, but the thing is he failed to tell me he already has a girlfriend. He goes to a different school, so I just found out.
Lowell now knows I know this, but maintains that this girl is "obsessed" with him and he only "pretends" to be her boyfriend to make her happy.
Abby, on top of this, I'm Mormon and can't date until I'm 16. (I think my parents are catching on!) -- IN HOT WATER WITH LOVE
DEAR IN HOT WATER: Let's see:
(1) He goes to a different school.
(2) He may not be leveling with you regarding his relationship with the other girl.
(3) You're not allowed to date for two more years.
Bottom line: Face the fact that this relationship is going nowhere.
P.S. Please don't be discouraged. I have a hunch when you are 16 you'll meet a more eligible young man you'll like as much as Lowell.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-something flight attendant. My husband and I spent a lot of money to have his vasectomy reversed so we could have another baby. It failed.
I began artificial insemination. After I mentioned the situation to one of my co-workers, she said she knew that a handsome young pilot we fly with had donated his sperm at the same clinic I used. Happily, I am now pregnant.
I suspect my girlfriend told the pilot because he now goes out of his way to avoid me. I can't be sure, but the pilot matches the description in the clinic's donor catalog of the specimen I used.
This whole thing is supposed to be anonymous, but I'm dying to talk to the pilot to confirm my suspicions. If the pilot is the father, should I tell my husband? -- FLYING HIGH IN CLEVELAND
DEAR FLYING HIGH: The paternity of your baby cannot be determined without a DNA test, and sperm banks usually have many anonymous donors. I see no reason to discuss this conjecture with either the pilot or your husband.
P.S. I'm taken aback at the thought that the pilot in question would have discussed his "donations" with your co-worker.
Couples Go Separate Ways When Attending Work Functions
DEAR ABBY: I have the same problem as "Troubled Wife in Riverhead, N.Y." whose husband refuses to attend work-related social functions with her because he doesn't feel comfortable mingling.
My solution is to find a co-worker who might not have a "date" either and go with him or her. I have found that, especially with people who have recently become single and are tentative about facing social functions alone, it is a welcomed invitation. Should anyone ask why my husband is absent, I simply say, "'Betty' and I decided to make it a girls' night out" and leave it at that. -- SOLVED MY SOCIAL DILEMMA, EASLEY, S.C.
DEAR SOLVED: Way to go! An added bonus is that you don't have to worry about entertaining your companion, because he or she already knows everyone. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I agreed a long time ago that there would be things we would do solo in our married lives. We do not attend work functions together. It saves me from having to worry whether he is enjoying himself, and I can fully enjoy conversations about work or work-related topics without feeling guilty that he's not involved, bored or uncomfortable. My husband is fun to be with. I am ever-so-proud to be with him -- just not every minute. -- SUE IN ALDEN, N.Y.
DEAR SUE: I'm pleased you found a solution that works for both of you. However, not everyone is as self-assured as you.
DEAR ABBY: "Troubled Wife" should leave her husband at home as you advised. However, she should recognize that he's sabotaging her career. His refusal to attend company parties is a not-so-subtle form of abuse that may eventually make her economically dependent on him.
Her husband's economic sabotage is a clue that she may need to be financially independent in the future. If I were her, I'd set aside a retirement and savings account of my own.
She doesn't really need a husband as an accessory. A purse and shoes to match are sufficient. -- FEMALE PH.D., SAN PEDRO, CALIF.
DEAR FEMALE Ph.D: Now, now! But you're right -- in the business climate of 2002, it's no longer mandatory that a woman be joined at the hip with her spouse.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a professor of management at an Ohio liberal arts college. For 15 years, I have given students a writing assignment that's virtually identical to the issue raised by "Troubled Wife." My purpose is to check for gender bias. I give them all the same situation, but for half the class the working spouse is a woman, and for the other half, it's a man.
When I started doing this, if the working spouse was a man, about 60 percent of my students would say the wife should be required to attend. However, only 40 percent would require a husband to attend his wife's business social events.
Today the figure is closer to 50/50. My current business students appear to be indifferent to whether it is a husband urging his wife to attend or vice versa.
I see this as progress. -- GLENN BLAIR, MEDINA, OHIO
DEAR GLENN: So do I.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
FOCUS ON FIRE PREVENTION HELPS FAMILIES SAVE LIVES
DEAR ABBY: I have a quick pop quiz for you and your readers: You are at greater risk from fire in:
(a) a high-rise hotel.
(b) a single-family house.
(c) an elementary school.
If you answered hotel or school, you are not only incorrect, but by not recognizing the potential for fire, you may also be dangerously ill-prepared to deal with a home fire if it strikes.
Although news coverage of high-rise and other public occupancy fires tends to be more widespread, the fact is eight out of 10 fire deaths occur in the home. Although the number of fire fatalities has dropped significantly over the past decade, the percentage of fires that occur in the home has remained steady.
Fire can happen to anyone. But no one has to be a victim. This week is Fire Prevention Week. As its official sponsor for 80 years, the National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) is urging Dear Abby readers to log onto www.firepreventionweek.org to download free fire safety information and a home escape worksheet. Your local fire department is working with NFPA as part of the "Team Up for Fire Safety" educational campaign. They need you on their team. Please download the free information now. It could save your life. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, CEO, NFPA
DEAR JAMES AND DEAR READERS: I'm sure I speak for everyone in voicing gratitude for your timely and important letter.
We all need to be aware of three simple steps that can be taken right now to make our homes safer from fire. Every household MUST have working smoke alarms on each level, and they should be tested once a month to assure that they're working properly. Smoke alarms provide an early warning, giving families time to escape.
To make that escape as quick and safe as possible, it is vital that a plan be made in advance -- with two possible exits out of every room. It is essential to PRACTICE a home fire drill regularly so each family member is familiar with it. It should be practiced in order to identify obstacles or difficulties that could slow your escape.
Finally, remember that the best protection from fire is to prevent it in the first place. Conduct a hunt for home hazards, such as unattended lighted candles, space heaters too close to combustibles and overflowing ashtrays. Correcting such hazards will go a long way in protecting you and your families from fires.
DEAR ABBY: I was married two weeks ago. Every morning, my new husband gets up at 5:30 and goes to his mother's house (where he was living before) to eat breakfast and get ready for work.
He eats dinner at his mom's every night and stays there overnight on Friday and Saturday.
This is becoming exasperating because I rarely see him, and he isn't paying his share of our bills.
Please help me, Abby. I'm going broke. -- BRIDE ON THE BRINK IN MECHANICSVILLE, MD
DEAR BRIDE: You married a man who wasn't ready to leave his mother -- and hasn't. Tell him that when a man marries, he is expected to eat his meals with his wife -- not his mother. If he refuses, speak to a lawyer about an annulment.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)