For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
People Are Not What They Seem in Internet Chat Rooms
DEAR ABBY: I work in a public library. We do not charge patrons for using our computers or the Internet. People from all walks of life use it regularly. I can't help noticing that some people misrepresent themselves when e-mailing others.
One woman calls herself "Sexy Mama." She corresponds with a number of men. I know for a fact this woman had her children taken away because of physical abuse. She has poor dental hygiene, wears dirty clothes and is far from being a "sexy mama."
Some of the men who correspond with women have social and mental problems. After they've e-mailed a message to one of their "lady friends," they pull out a magazine and look at pornography.
The point I am making is that people can misrepresent themselves in chat rooms and e-mails. You have no means of knowing who you are corresponding with on the other computer.
Abby, please urge your readers not to give personal information to a stranger. Names, addresses and phone numbers should remain private. Anyone can say anything on the Internet. It doesn't make it true. -- CONCERNED LIBRARIAN IN KANSAS
DEAR CONCERNED LIBRARIAN: Thank you for the reminder. While some people have met online and developed relationships that have led to romance and/or marriage, it is important that people take the same precautions when using the Internet that they would when answering a personal ad or meeting an attractive stranger at a club or resort.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16. My parents divorced when I was around 5. My mother married "Nick" four years ago. Nick used to do crack, and stopped just a year ago. He now shoplifts, then returns the things to get money. He considers this to be his "job." My brother, two years older than me, had to go live with my father because my mother feared that he would kill Nick. Nick used to beat up my mother for stupid reasons so she'd give him money. I will never forgive Nick for what he has done.
A few weeks ago, I discovered that he and Mom are doing some kind of drug. Even though Nick has stopped using crack, he still shoplifts and yells at my mom until she gives him money. I really can't say anything, because whenever I make a suggestion, he yells at me and hurts my mom more. I have an urge to kill him. I'd have called the cops by now, but my mom would be sad.
Abby, I've always heard that the way you're raised could rub off on you, and I fear that I might end up like them. I would go live with my dad, but I'm not close to him or my brother. I told my mom the other day that I wish it could just be me and her. She said, "I know." Can you give me some advice for any of this? -- DESPERATE FOR HELP IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DESPERATE: Call your father. It is never too late to develop a relationship, and you need him. Your mother's passive acceptance of this volatile and dangerous situation is affecting you. It's important that you get away from it and into a healthy, loving and nurturing environment.
You were not put on this Earth to keep your mother from being sad. With luck, she may remove herself from the situation before she and her boyfriend are arrested. In the meantime, take care of yourself. You are NOT like them, so don't worry.
Mom's Ever Present Boyfriend Is Unwelcome Guest to Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My parents are divorced. I'm glad, because all they ever did was fight and put my brother and me in the middle. I am now away at college. Dad has found a terrific girlfriend who I love. The problem is Mom.
Mom has also found someone. His name is Tom, and I can't stand him. She never drank or gambled before she met him. Now they frequent casinos, and she has multiple beers with dinner -- even when she is on medication that specifically warns not to mix with alcohol. The other problem is that Tom is always there when I come home to visit. I want some private time with Mom, but he refuses to respect that. In the 12 days that I was there, Tom ate every meal at our house. He even came along when Mom drove me back to school.
I have tried talking to her. She keeps pushing us together and has invited him to come for the weekend when she visits me at school next month. She has invited Tom to my graduation, even though tickets are limited, and has made plans to invite him to my wedding, which is almost two years away.
Abby, I don't want Tom at any of these special occasions. How can I get her to stop inviting him to things I'd prefer only my family attend? -- HAD IT IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR HAD IT: You may not be able to, particularly if your mother thinks this new man in her life "completes" her in some way. She appears to be an addictive personality -- she's addicted to alcohol, gambling and HIM.
Since your mother refuses to visit you without her boyfriend, face it: Your mother has decided the price you must pay for her company is to tolerate Tom's presence. If that price is too high, limit your time with both of them. But accept the fact that having your mother at your graduation and/or your wedding means you will have to tolerate the person who has become the new center of her life.
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your "acts of kindness" file.
I moved into a courtyard apartment three years ago. After settling in, I planted two containers of spring flowers and placed them outside my front door. They were colorful, and my neighbors commented how much they enjoyed them. Imagine my surprise and disappointment upon returning home one day to find one of the containers missing.
I was so upset that I placed a sign on the empty spot. It read: "In memory of my beautiful, lovingly tended container of flowers taken from this spot on May 22." Four days later, to my surprise and delight, in its place I found a new container of flowers. Next to it was a sign that read: "We wish we could find who took your flowers. Please enjoy these. From, A Kinder World." I tried for days to find out who left the container, but they never revealed themselves.
Abby, we should all be grateful to people who make our world a kinder place. -- V. IONE MOODY MURCHISON, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR V: Indeed we should. I see the flowers as a metaphor for optimism, and I'm pleased that yours was restored.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MISTRESS' AFFAIR HAS ENDED AFTER DEATH OF MAN'S WIFE
DEAR ABBY: I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and respectful with his wife. She died three months ago after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank suggested we date openly and talked as though we were a couple.
Two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He would not be more specific. I begged for an explanation and closure. He refused to be more specific and became defensive. We have not spoken since.
Abby, I am still reeling from this because I thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation for something in the future.
Friends have told me that rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is very common. Can you give me some insight into the emotional dynamics of this situation? -- FORMER MISTRESS IN MOURNING
DEAR FORMER MISTRESS: Yes. It could be delayed guilt -- or his "surreal experience" was with someone else.
DEAR ABBY: I am 52 years old and have been married for 22 years to my second husband. We have four teenage sons. I was widowed at 22 when my first husband was killed in Vietnam. I was pregnant and lost our child when I was told of my husband's death.
I was 30 when I married my second husband. He knows, of course, that I was married before, but for some reason I never felt confortable telling his parents. (My children know.) I think his parents always suspected something, but they've never asked me directly.
My problem is, I am afraid this information will slip someday, and my in-laws will be hurt and angry at me. What do you think I should do? -- WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR WANT: This has stayed in the closet for too long. You are acting as though you have a shameful secret. Being the widow of a man who gave his life for his country is nothing to be ashamed of. It should be a point of pride.
Call a family meeting with your in-laws, and with your husband at your side, tell them. They deserve to know the truth, and it will ease your conscience.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has only a few months to live. She's called everyone in the family to explain her situation and to express her last wishes here on Earth. We are grateful she has been granted this time to take care of loose ends and to express her feelings.
Since we are never taught how to deal with death, what do you say to someone you love, who is dying, to make them feel better about themselves?
My conversations with her feel awkward and forced. I feel tongue-tied and at a loss for words. I think about her daily and want to call her, but what can I say? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS
DEAR AT A LOSS: Talk about the good times. Let her know she has made a difference. Point out the positive achievements of her life, all the people who know and love her, her personal and business successes, and what her presence has meant to the people whose lives she has touched and always will. It's OK to cry. Tears are healing, and it will be therapeutic for both of you.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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