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Young Adult Now Is Grateful for Parents Who Were Strict
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Teen Held Captive" who complained about her parents (especially her dad) being too strict.
I went through the same thing with my parents. I'm now 25 and mature enough to understand that their actions when I was 16 were motivated only by the purest and deepest love for me and my siblings, for which I am thankful.
Some of my friends whose parents were too permissive used drugs, drank alcohol, became promiscuous and got pregnant or took risks that carried bad consequences. Because of my parents, I graduated from a university, achieved my personal and professional goals, and have nothing to regret. -- BEEN THERE TOO, AND HAPPY ABOUT IT, GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR BEEN THERE: I received a ton of mail in response to that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My best friend was constantly grounded for a month or more at a time for the smallest infraction. It made her angry and frustrated, which caused her to go crazy with the sense of freedom when she was able to get out from under her father's controlling eye. On her first night of freedom after being grounded, she put herself in a dangerous situation and got herself killed. She was only trying to have as much fun as she could in the short time she had before having to be back under her father's thumb. -- THE FLIP SIDE IN TEXAS
DEAR FLIP SIDE: You have described a tragedy -- and a parent's ultimate fear.
DEAR ABBY: It is unfair to that teen to shelter her to the extent that she'll be completely unprepared for the real world in two more years. Her parents aren't allowing her to learn street smarts or social skills, and she'll be vulnerable because of it.
Studies show that teens who engage in the least drug use or sex come not from the strictest households (and obviously not from the most permissive), but from moderate ones.
Please tell "Captive's" parents to lighten up a little, so she won't have to go through what I did. All they are fostering in her is anger and resentment. -- ASHLEY IN HIGHLAND PARK, N.J.
DEAR ASHLEY: You are right; there must be a sense of balance.
DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter myself 15 years ago. That girl should sit down and ask her father what it is that keeps him from trusting her. His strict rules have little to do with protecting her; they have more to do with control and distrust.
The girl is almost an adult. Teens need space to make their own decisions and trust to help them make the right decisions. -- BEEN THERE AND LIED ABOUT IT, EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR BEEN THERE: Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, not only because it is the parents' job to make unpopular decisions, but because after it has become second nature, the parents must then start "letting go" so that as the child matures, he or she can learn to live independently. A word to the wise: When children are not permitted to make decisions and experience things on their own -- within reason -- they are unprepared to make sound decisions.
DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced from my husband of 17 years. There is someone special in my life now, and my ex-husband is trying to cause problems where my kids are concerned. I have tried to talk to him about keeping his distorted thoughts and opinions about my boyfriend to himself; however, he can't seem to do it.
My daughter is 13 and has a mind of her own. My son is 6, and he acts according to things he has heard my ex-husband say. This is affecting my relationship with my son because I have tried to teach him to be respectful to all adults, no matter who they are. I keep reminding my son that my boyfriend has done nothing to him and deserves to be treated nicely.
Please help. I love this man and want my kids to be a part of our lives. -- HOPEFUL IN N.C.
DEAR HOPEFUL: Since your ex-husband refuses to cooperate, the only other choice is to try to make the children less susceptible to his brainwashing. The next time your son acts out, take him aside and ask him why he's doing it. If he repeats something that his father told him, say, "You know, your daddy is very angry right now -- and sometimes we all say things we don't mean when we're angry." Point out that the boyfriend has always been good to you and to him.
You say at 13 your daughter has a mind of her own. If that means she likes your boyfriend, enlist her help in convincing her brother that the man is not as bad as their father says he is.
If that doesn't work, make an appointment with a child psychologist, and good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I am 48 and have been married 21 years. My husband is the only person I have ever had sex with. For most of our married life, we have had sex three to seven times a week. We had our share of minor sexual problems, but lack of desire was never one of them until a few years ago. I just lost interest. My husband would do everything a loving husband could possibly do to spark romance, to no avail. He would give me wonderful, long massages, my favorite prelude to sex in the past -- and I would just fall asleep.
One night a few months ago, my husband and I were out on a "date." We had just finished dinner, and the next showing of the movie we wanted to see was in two hours. My husband joked that we should go somewhere and park -- and I got a sudden urge I hadn't felt for some time. We found a secluded spot and parked. It was the first time either of us had ever gotten completely naked anywhere outside of a bedroom, and it was the best sex I have had in years. Abby, we had so much fun I didn't want to go to the movie.
We have had some great sex since then, but only when we park somewhere or do it outside our house. I still can't get turned on at home. What is wrong with me? Have you ever heard of this? -- J.D. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR J.D.: There is nothing "wrong" with you. It appears you are one of those who need an element of "danger" (for instance, the possibility of getting caught) to spark your libido. Warning: Having sex in public is most likely against local, state or federal statutes, so I urge you to be very careful. I have always subscribed to the adage that what goes on between two consenting adults and hurts neither one is OK with me.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stepmom's Job Gets Harder Without Husband's Support
DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old woman who married "Barry" two years ago. He was a widower with two small boys, now 8 and 11.
I married Barry with the hope and understanding I could help to raise these children, but he now seems to resent my efforts. For example, he has made comments referring to himself as no longer being the primary disciplinarian by telling me, "I'm glad you're the bad guy now."
He constantly accuses me of asking too much of the boys. Abby, I expect them to clean their room and the bathroom they use. Barry also objects when I correct the kids' eating habits and manners -- like reminding them not to interrupt when two adults are talking.
Unfortunately, my husband's attitude is beginning to rub off on the oldest boy, who sometimes takes on a negative attitude when I ask him to do a chore -- or anything, for that matter.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Any suggestions you have would be helpful. -- FEELING ALONE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FEELING ALONE: Without your husband's support, you are fighting a losing battle of "bait and switch." Your requests seem reasonable to me; however, the WAY you are teaching the boys may need an adjustment to make it more palatable. Family counseling could be helpful to all of you.
The Stepfamily Association of America is another terrific resource because more than 50 percent of families today are blended families. Membership is $40 a year, but the association offers support groups, retreats, Web sites, and access to have issues addressed with counselors. Find it on the Internet at: www.stepfam.org, with a link to a special site for stepmothers at www.steptogether.org. The phone number is (800) 735-0329.
DEAR ABBY: My older sister, age 77, has been widowed for eight years.
She met a man from church whom she dates; it's the first time she has dated since being widowed. They spend some vacation time together and go on weekend trips.
He tells her he will never marry. She thinks someday she can change his mind. We know that he also sees a younger woman. He denies it -- and my sister believes him. He has broken off with her twice, and she keeps running back to him.
I want her to be happy. She has dyed her gray hair to an awful-looking brown and acts like a teenager. I have tried to talk to her, but she doesn't listen. Her health isn't good. What should I do? -- WORRIED SISTER
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Be supportive and loving and let your sister live her own life. Whatever his intentions, it appears that this man from church has given your sister something to live for. Since her health isn't good, let her enjoy the time she has. She's hurting no one, and she may be stronger than you think.
P.S. If the romance ends badly, be supportive, bite your tongue, and DON'T say, "I told you so."
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A bit of philosophy from Albert Schweitzer: An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)