THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A bit of philosophy from Albert Schweitzer: An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.
Stepmom's Job Gets Harder Without Husband's Support
DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old woman who married "Barry" two years ago. He was a widower with two small boys, now 8 and 11.
I married Barry with the hope and understanding I could help to raise these children, but he now seems to resent my efforts. For example, he has made comments referring to himself as no longer being the primary disciplinarian by telling me, "I'm glad you're the bad guy now."
He constantly accuses me of asking too much of the boys. Abby, I expect them to clean their room and the bathroom they use. Barry also objects when I correct the kids' eating habits and manners -- like reminding them not to interrupt when two adults are talking.
Unfortunately, my husband's attitude is beginning to rub off on the oldest boy, who sometimes takes on a negative attitude when I ask him to do a chore -- or anything, for that matter.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Any suggestions you have would be helpful. -- FEELING ALONE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FEELING ALONE: Without your husband's support, you are fighting a losing battle of "bait and switch." Your requests seem reasonable to me; however, the WAY you are teaching the boys may need an adjustment to make it more palatable. Family counseling could be helpful to all of you.
The Stepfamily Association of America is another terrific resource because more than 50 percent of families today are blended families. Membership is $40 a year, but the association offers support groups, retreats, Web sites, and access to have issues addressed with counselors. Find it on the Internet at: www.stepfam.org, with a link to a special site for stepmothers at www.steptogether.org. The phone number is (800) 735-0329.
DEAR ABBY: My older sister, age 77, has been widowed for eight years.
She met a man from church whom she dates; it's the first time she has dated since being widowed. They spend some vacation time together and go on weekend trips.
He tells her he will never marry. She thinks someday she can change his mind. We know that he also sees a younger woman. He denies it -- and my sister believes him. He has broken off with her twice, and she keeps running back to him.
I want her to be happy. She has dyed her gray hair to an awful-looking brown and acts like a teenager. I have tried to talk to her, but she doesn't listen. Her health isn't good. What should I do? -- WORRIED SISTER
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Be supportive and loving and let your sister live her own life. Whatever his intentions, it appears that this man from church has given your sister something to live for. Since her health isn't good, let her enjoy the time she has. She's hurting no one, and she may be stronger than you think.
P.S. If the romance ends badly, be supportive, bite your tongue, and DON'T say, "I told you so."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
OLD FLAME PERSISTS DESPITE MAN'S EFFORTS TO DOUSE HER
DEAR ABBY: My husband of one year, "Phil," and I are facing a problem we don't know how to handle.
Back in college, Phil had an on-again, off-again girlfriend, "Madison." He cared for her but because of her mental instability, he finally ended the romance. Although Phil has not seen or spoken to her in years, they have occasionally kept in touch by e-mail. (This has always been initiated by her.)
It has become a problem, Abby, because Madison won't stop trying to contact my husband. He stopped responding to her e-mails, but she never took the hint.
First she wrote to tell him she heard he was getting married. Then she found out I was pregnant and concluded that was the reason for our wedding -- which couldn't be further from the truth. Later, she wrote to ask Phil how my pregnancy was coming along.
Our daughter was born two months ago, and yesterday we were informed that Madison bought a baby gift and intends to drop it off at the home of Phil's parents. He is very upset. He says he wants this woman to leave him alone -- that she's unstable and can't accept the fact he's married.
Since she lives in another state, I'm not worried about her peeking in our windows; I just don't understand why she refuses to let go. What should we do with the baby gift? We don't want it. -- TROUBLED IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR TROUBLED: She won't let go because she's clinging to her fantasy that she wasn't rejected. In other words, she's in a state of denial.
What to do with the unwanted baby gift? Donate it to a hospital or a children's shelter. Your husband should write a brief letter acknowledging the gift -- and stating that he would prefer the past remain in the past, so please send nothing more because he needs to devote his full attention to his wife and child in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you as a last resort. I am 14 and come from a very good family, with one exception -- my mother. She is an alcoholic. She drinks every day from noon until she goes to bed at night. I recently went to counseling because I tried to kill myself. I am starting to have those feelings again.
Mother casts me aside when she is drunk. I feel as though there is nothing left for me to live for. I want to go back into counseling, but I am afraid I will hurt my parents' feelings.
Please give me some advice, Abby. -- ALONE AND DEPRESSED
DEAR ALONE AND DEPRESSED: If you are feeling depressed and suicidal, your parents' "feelings" are the last thing you should be worrying about. Call the counselor you were seeing before and schedule an appointment. Then tell your father what you have done -- and why.
I'm sorry to say you are not the only teenager in this sad situation. Alcoholics Anonymous has a sub-organization for children of alcoholics. It's called Alateen. It's listed in most phone books or you can call the information operator. Please don't wait to contact the organization. Once you do, you will discover you are not alone with this problem, and you'll be given the support and information you deserve.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Police Banners Save the Day for Those Needing Road Help
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, you gave information on how to order "Please Call Police" banners for the car. I had previously ordered some, but somehow lost them. I would like to replace them and purchase some more for family members.
Following my husband's heart surgery, they came in handy. After he was discharged from the hospital, our car died on the way home. We displayed the bright banner in the back window, and the police arrived quickly and helped us to get home.
Would you please share that information again? I'm sure I'm not the only person needing a replacement. -- WILMA IN EAST TEXAS
DEAR WILMA: I'm pleased to do so. However, before I do, I'd like to share some comments from other readers about those banners:
"The banners are a great idea. I have had two hip replacements, but still drive. I was going to get an emergency phone for my car, but I have two hearing aids and the volume on the phone is not adequate for me, so I need your 'Please Call Police' banners." -- A.M. IN TAUNTON, MASS.
"'Please Call Police' banners -- what a brainstorm. I'm 86 years old, but still drive because our small town in Texas has no public transportation. (I call our town 'Sleepy Hollow.') What a godsend those banners are. Please send two of them." -- D.E.J. IN TEXAS
"My grandmother is 80 and drives more than 25,000 miles a year. I would feel more confident about her safety if she had the banners in her glove compartment. I'll put two of them in her Christmas stocking." -- BRIAN M., ORADELL, N.J.
Readers, these lifesaving banners can be ordered by writing to the Westside Center for Independent Living. It is a nonprofit organization that helps people with disabilities live more independent lives. You will receive one banner for a $5 contribution and another for each additional $4 contribution (plus $1 per order for postage and handling).
To order, send check or money order (U.S. funds only, please) to: WCIL Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. Allow four to eight weeks for delivery. For more information, visit the WCIL Web site at www.wcil.org.
Your orders not only provide a safety measure for you and those you love, but they also assist WCIL in providing much-needed services for individuals with disabilities.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old housewife and mother of three, ages 2, 3 and 8. I recently returned to night school to get my teaching degree.
My husband is frustrated and upset because he says everything is falling on him. After working eight hours a day, he resents having to feed, bathe and baby-sit the kids for six hours every night while I am in school.
He supports my decision, but constantly pulls little guilt trips on me. What should I do? -- BETTERING MYSELF
DEAR BETTERING MYSELF: You and your husband are both carrying a heavy load right now. Arrange for child care at least one night a week so your husband will feel less trapped. Also schedule much-needed "date nights" so the two of you can talk (uninterrupted) and catch up with each other's busy lives. You won't be a student forever -- and once you have your teaching certificate, you'll both be glad you did it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)