What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
OLD FLAME PERSISTS DESPITE MAN'S EFFORTS TO DOUSE HER
DEAR ABBY: My husband of one year, "Phil," and I are facing a problem we don't know how to handle.
Back in college, Phil had an on-again, off-again girlfriend, "Madison." He cared for her but because of her mental instability, he finally ended the romance. Although Phil has not seen or spoken to her in years, they have occasionally kept in touch by e-mail. (This has always been initiated by her.)
It has become a problem, Abby, because Madison won't stop trying to contact my husband. He stopped responding to her e-mails, but she never took the hint.
First she wrote to tell him she heard he was getting married. Then she found out I was pregnant and concluded that was the reason for our wedding -- which couldn't be further from the truth. Later, she wrote to ask Phil how my pregnancy was coming along.
Our daughter was born two months ago, and yesterday we were informed that Madison bought a baby gift and intends to drop it off at the home of Phil's parents. He is very upset. He says he wants this woman to leave him alone -- that she's unstable and can't accept the fact he's married.
Since she lives in another state, I'm not worried about her peeking in our windows; I just don't understand why she refuses to let go. What should we do with the baby gift? We don't want it. -- TROUBLED IN THE LONE STAR STATE
DEAR TROUBLED: She won't let go because she's clinging to her fantasy that she wasn't rejected. In other words, she's in a state of denial.
What to do with the unwanted baby gift? Donate it to a hospital or a children's shelter. Your husband should write a brief letter acknowledging the gift -- and stating that he would prefer the past remain in the past, so please send nothing more because he needs to devote his full attention to his wife and child in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you as a last resort. I am 14 and come from a very good family, with one exception -- my mother. She is an alcoholic. She drinks every day from noon until she goes to bed at night. I recently went to counseling because I tried to kill myself. I am starting to have those feelings again.
Mother casts me aside when she is drunk. I feel as though there is nothing left for me to live for. I want to go back into counseling, but I am afraid I will hurt my parents' feelings.
Please give me some advice, Abby. -- ALONE AND DEPRESSED
DEAR ALONE AND DEPRESSED: If you are feeling depressed and suicidal, your parents' "feelings" are the last thing you should be worrying about. Call the counselor you were seeing before and schedule an appointment. Then tell your father what you have done -- and why.
I'm sorry to say you are not the only teenager in this sad situation. Alcoholics Anonymous has a sub-organization for children of alcoholics. It's called Alateen. It's listed in most phone books or you can call the information operator. Please don't wait to contact the organization. Once you do, you will discover you are not alone with this problem, and you'll be given the support and information you deserve.
Police Banners Save the Day for Those Needing Road Help
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, you gave information on how to order "Please Call Police" banners for the car. I had previously ordered some, but somehow lost them. I would like to replace them and purchase some more for family members.
Following my husband's heart surgery, they came in handy. After he was discharged from the hospital, our car died on the way home. We displayed the bright banner in the back window, and the police arrived quickly and helped us to get home.
Would you please share that information again? I'm sure I'm not the only person needing a replacement. -- WILMA IN EAST TEXAS
DEAR WILMA: I'm pleased to do so. However, before I do, I'd like to share some comments from other readers about those banners:
"The banners are a great idea. I have had two hip replacements, but still drive. I was going to get an emergency phone for my car, but I have two hearing aids and the volume on the phone is not adequate for me, so I need your 'Please Call Police' banners." -- A.M. IN TAUNTON, MASS.
"'Please Call Police' banners -- what a brainstorm. I'm 86 years old, but still drive because our small town in Texas has no public transportation. (I call our town 'Sleepy Hollow.') What a godsend those banners are. Please send two of them." -- D.E.J. IN TEXAS
"My grandmother is 80 and drives more than 25,000 miles a year. I would feel more confident about her safety if she had the banners in her glove compartment. I'll put two of them in her Christmas stocking." -- BRIAN M., ORADELL, N.J.
Readers, these lifesaving banners can be ordered by writing to the Westside Center for Independent Living. It is a nonprofit organization that helps people with disabilities live more independent lives. You will receive one banner for a $5 contribution and another for each additional $4 contribution (plus $1 per order for postage and handling).
To order, send check or money order (U.S. funds only, please) to: WCIL Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. Allow four to eight weeks for delivery. For more information, visit the WCIL Web site at www.wcil.org.
Your orders not only provide a safety measure for you and those you love, but they also assist WCIL in providing much-needed services for individuals with disabilities.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old housewife and mother of three, ages 2, 3 and 8. I recently returned to night school to get my teaching degree.
My husband is frustrated and upset because he says everything is falling on him. After working eight hours a day, he resents having to feed, bathe and baby-sit the kids for six hours every night while I am in school.
He supports my decision, but constantly pulls little guilt trips on me. What should I do? -- BETTERING MYSELF
DEAR BETTERING MYSELF: You and your husband are both carrying a heavy load right now. Arrange for child care at least one night a week so your husband will feel less trapped. Also schedule much-needed "date nights" so the two of you can talk (uninterrupted) and catch up with each other's busy lives. You won't be a student forever -- and once you have your teaching certificate, you'll both be glad you did it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Pagan Priestess Sets Record Straight on Marriage Customs
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your response to "Be-witched in Sacramento" -- up to a point. As a witch and Pagan priestess for more than 30 years, I can tell you that ceremonies such as handfastings (our term for a wedding) are not required to be held at midnight and that the parents of the bride and groom, if they're open-minded enough to attend, are usually honored.
It isn't customary to involve cowan (nonmembers) in ritual planning. The bride's family should not feel hurt by her failure to include them. Our customs are different from those of the greater community, and I don't blame any couple who prefer to just do it themselves rather than explain -- over and over -- what they're doing and why they're doing it that way. It can be very draining. But most couples, if they choose to have guests at all, have their handfasting at a time when those guests can attend.
The couple's decision to be handfasted under the full moon is particularly blessed and by our lights very romantic. However, if I were the priestess counseling them, I'd advise them to move up the ceremony a few hours and make sure the family members feel warmly welcomed. It takes a lot of love for a Christian to attend a Pagan ceremony. It should be honored and appreciated.
I must tell you I take deep issue with your denigrating comment, "I have no idea how serious her interest in witchcraft is or how long it will last ..." You imply that witchcraft is something the sister is likely to get over. That's what my family thought in 1970. You don't question the commitment of people married by Jewish, Christian or Buddhist (etc.) rites. It's inappropriate to question that of a Pagan.
Thank you and blessed be ... DANA CORBY, HPS, TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR DANA: Chalk it up to my ignorance, which is something that can be corrected. When I closed my eyes and tried to imagine a witch, what came to mind was a teenaged girl with black clothes, lipstick and nail polish going through a phase and trying to freak out her parents.
The literally hundreds of letters and e-mails I have received from Wiccans have proved me wrong. Wicca should not be confused with satanism. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Paganism is a registered religion. We're as serious about it as a Catholic, Lutheran or Buddhist. Would you ask any of them how serious their interest in their religion is? Probably not! You also stated that the woman "appears to be in a world of her own." Not so. There are thousands of Pagans. You just don't see us because we look just like you. We are doctors, lawyers, truck drivers, etc.
Paganism has long been thought of as a wacky, temporary and insignificant religion. Your comments validated the ignorance that most people have about this amazing religion. -- WILLOW, A MINNESOTA WITCH
DEAR WILLOW: Speaking as both a fellow Minnesotan (it's the state where I was born), as well as someone who has occasionally been accused of being a "witch" (at least I think that's what was said), I can only say that in the past few weeks, I have learned more than I ever expected to about Paganism. Those who would like to learn more about this ancient religion should visit the Web site of Covenant of the Goddess, an international organization of Wiccan congregations at: www.cog.org. I'm sure it will be a revelation.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)