THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Choose a job that you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life. (Submitted by Carl Young, Union City, N.J.)
DEAR ABBY: After being divorced for nine years, I met a man I'll call Hal and married him six months later. He seemed caring, had a good personality, was good with children -- all the positive things you look for in a mate. I asked all the right questions about previous relationships, also drinking and drugs, etc. Hal told me he had been married once previously.
Two days before the wedding, I discovered he had been married twice. Two years later, it turned out that Hal had been married five times before he married me, and had lived with several different women between marriages.
He charged my credit cards to the max. I helped him to pay off past-due accounts, bad checks he had written and thousands of dollars he owed in child support. I went through drug rehab and counseling with him and supported him all the way. We are now divorced. He left me, saying he no longer loved me, and now, one week after the divorce, he has a new girlfriend.
I am furious that he treated me this way. Is there a law about how many times a person can marry? I feel other women should be warned before he takes advantage of them like he did with the six of us. -- USED IN JONESBORO, TENN.
DEAR USED: Although there is no law limiting the number of times a man (or a woman) may marry, there ARE laws against fraud. Failing to reveal the number of times one has actually been married may qualify as fraud. By all means discuss this serial groom with an attorney. It may set you back a few bucks, but a lawsuit could buy you a lot of satisfaction.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Barry," and I are being married in the spring. We love each other very much and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
Ten years ago -- before Barry and I met -- he had a three-year affair with "Lucy," his brother-in-law's married sister. The rest of the family had no clue about their relationship. Barry ended it after he realized Lucy was never going to leave her husband.
Barry has been open with me about his indiscretion and our relationship is solid. Lucy continues to call Barry, even though he's asked her to stop. She has also called and harassed me, saying Barry will eventually leave me and return to her.
Our wedding plans are now being finalized. The invitations must be mailed in six weeks. If we do not invite Lucy, the rest of the family will wonder why. Barry believes it will raise suspicions if she is not invited. She has been very ugly to Barry and me, and I do not want her there. Please help. -- I DON'T LOVE LUCY
DEAR I DON'T: If you and your fiance would prefer Lucy not attend, don't invite her. Don't preoccupy yourselves with what your guests "might" ask; out of sight is usually out of mind.
If anyone is presumptuous enough to bring up Lucy's absence, just say, "We had our reasons," and change the subject.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
QUILTER'S MEMORIAL DESIGNS SHOW UNCHARACTERISTIC PATTERN
DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 12 years is a quilter, pattern designer and teacher. She recently showed me a pattern she created as a memorial to the Sept. 11 attack on America. She plans to sell the pattern as well as teach its construction at a local quilt shop. She does NOT plan to contribute any portion of the proceeds to any charitable organization connected with the attack. This has shown me a side of her I did not want to discover.
Abby, her actions have tainted my feelings toward her and I don't know how to react. Over the years, we have supported each other through many trials and tribulations, but this is completely different. Please advise me. A long-time relationship hangs in the balance. -- APPALLED IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR APPALLED: To the best of my knowledge, the charitable organizations connected to the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon have received a substantial amount of money. It is the local charities that are suffering.
I see no reason to end a longtime friendship. What people choose to donate (or not) is highly personal. Since I do not know your friend's financial situation, it would be presumptuous of me to criticize her. Please stop being so judgmental.
DEAR ABBY: My wife recently bought a new purse. Inside, was a preprinted "Important Data" card. On it, the owner is supposed to list her driver's license number, her safety deposit box, checking and savings accounts, car insurance carrier, and fire insurance and life insurance companies.
Just imagine how valuable that information would be to a thief should my wife lose her purse or be the victim of assault. With that information a person could steal her identity and run up thousands of dollars worth of expenses.
Please warn your readers never to leave such detailed information in a purse or wallet. -- JERRY IN WINTHROP HARBOR, ILL.
DEAR JERRY: I agree that it's too much information for a person to be carrying around. Much safer and more effective would be to simply write on the back of the card: "$$ Reward for the Return of this Purse" and a current telephone number.
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school. At the beginning of the school year, I started dating "Austin," a sophomore. His mother is very protective and made him break up with me. Her only reason was that I am a senior.
Abby, I am a straight-A student. I have never tried drugs, cigarettes or alcohol my entire life. She never gave me a chance to prove I am a good person.
Austin is one of my best friends. Should I try talking to his mother or give up and accept the fact that Austin and I can only be friends? -- WONDERING IN KANSAS
DEAR WONDERING: Nothing you can say will make his mother feel less threatened. You have just gotten a glimpse of what it's like to be an "older woman" who's perceived as robbing the cradle. In another three years, the situation will be different. However, for now, you and Austin may have to remain school friends only.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom Who Left Her Family Must First Gain Strength to Return
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Lost Mother in the Midwest," who ran away from her family and now yearns to return to the fold. She should see a counselor immediately and begin to climb out of the horrible pit she is in. I have been there and recognize the words "unneeded, disrespectful, ignored, my fault," and "don't deserve their forgiveness."
Her self-confidence is bankrupt, and professional help can guide her through rebuilding who she is. She must learn to care for and love herself before anyone else can love her. She must learn to confront and halt abusive treatment. She deserves better. Life outside the "pit" is worth living.
I wish her the joy I now have. -- FREE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR FREE: I received some criticism for calling what "Lost Mother" did "irrational behavior." While I do not believe that her leaving was irrational, I do take exception to the WAY in which she did it -- leaving behind her clothes, mementos, friends and even her mother for a year without a word. She could have achieved the same effect without isolating herself. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: If that woman had been in a work setting and her boss had talked to her in irritated tones, and her co-workers were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, she would have cause for filing harassment charges.
Were she in a school setting and the teacher always spoke to her in irritated tones, and her classmates were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, you would have advised her to take the teacher to task and be concerned that her classmates were harassing her.
Is that behavior more acceptable in a family setting because the perpetrators are her husband and sons? Absolutely not!
It appears she was at the breaking point and escaped the only way she could. Many people have chosen suicide at that point, but she chose to run away from home.
She should seek counseling, but only to see if she would really care to go back to an abusive situation. -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEILTON, WASH.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I did not advise her to return to an abusive situation. I told her to seek counseling to be sure she was strong enough to face what might lie ahead. Once she was on firmer emotional footing, the counselor -- or a clergyperson -- could mediate and facilitate the family reunion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Had her family been supportive and seen to it that she had been evaluated physically and mentally, maybe she would owe them an apology. But as it stands, the husband and the sons should be begging her for forgiveness. She should not return to them until the entire family has completed therapy. Only then will they deserve HER forgiveness. -- ROBYN IN TACOMA
DEAR ROBYN: On that point I certainly agree. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to say to "Lost Mother": Get help, get strong -- and THEN tell your kids how much you love them. It may take a while for them to fully understand why you left -- but in time they will. Also, don't go back to your husband unless he is willing to admit that he was wrong and agrees to go to counseling, too.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you. -- BEEN THERE, TOO
DEAR "TOO": I hope "Lost Mother" sees your letter -- and that she knows we are all rooting for her.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)