To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
QUILTER'S MEMORIAL DESIGNS SHOW UNCHARACTERISTIC PATTERN
DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 12 years is a quilter, pattern designer and teacher. She recently showed me a pattern she created as a memorial to the Sept. 11 attack on America. She plans to sell the pattern as well as teach its construction at a local quilt shop. She does NOT plan to contribute any portion of the proceeds to any charitable organization connected with the attack. This has shown me a side of her I did not want to discover.
Abby, her actions have tainted my feelings toward her and I don't know how to react. Over the years, we have supported each other through many trials and tribulations, but this is completely different. Please advise me. A long-time relationship hangs in the balance. -- APPALLED IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR APPALLED: To the best of my knowledge, the charitable organizations connected to the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon have received a substantial amount of money. It is the local charities that are suffering.
I see no reason to end a longtime friendship. What people choose to donate (or not) is highly personal. Since I do not know your friend's financial situation, it would be presumptuous of me to criticize her. Please stop being so judgmental.
DEAR ABBY: My wife recently bought a new purse. Inside, was a preprinted "Important Data" card. On it, the owner is supposed to list her driver's license number, her safety deposit box, checking and savings accounts, car insurance carrier, and fire insurance and life insurance companies.
Just imagine how valuable that information would be to a thief should my wife lose her purse or be the victim of assault. With that information a person could steal her identity and run up thousands of dollars worth of expenses.
Please warn your readers never to leave such detailed information in a purse or wallet. -- JERRY IN WINTHROP HARBOR, ILL.
DEAR JERRY: I agree that it's too much information for a person to be carrying around. Much safer and more effective would be to simply write on the back of the card: "$$ Reward for the Return of this Purse" and a current telephone number.
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school. At the beginning of the school year, I started dating "Austin," a sophomore. His mother is very protective and made him break up with me. Her only reason was that I am a senior.
Abby, I am a straight-A student. I have never tried drugs, cigarettes or alcohol my entire life. She never gave me a chance to prove I am a good person.
Austin is one of my best friends. Should I try talking to his mother or give up and accept the fact that Austin and I can only be friends? -- WONDERING IN KANSAS
DEAR WONDERING: Nothing you can say will make his mother feel less threatened. You have just gotten a glimpse of what it's like to be an "older woman" who's perceived as robbing the cradle. In another three years, the situation will be different. However, for now, you and Austin may have to remain school friends only.
Mom Who Left Her Family Must First Gain Strength to Return
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Lost Mother in the Midwest," who ran away from her family and now yearns to return to the fold. She should see a counselor immediately and begin to climb out of the horrible pit she is in. I have been there and recognize the words "unneeded, disrespectful, ignored, my fault," and "don't deserve their forgiveness."
Her self-confidence is bankrupt, and professional help can guide her through rebuilding who she is. She must learn to care for and love herself before anyone else can love her. She must learn to confront and halt abusive treatment. She deserves better. Life outside the "pit" is worth living.
I wish her the joy I now have. -- FREE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR FREE: I received some criticism for calling what "Lost Mother" did "irrational behavior." While I do not believe that her leaving was irrational, I do take exception to the WAY in which she did it -- leaving behind her clothes, mementos, friends and even her mother for a year without a word. She could have achieved the same effect without isolating herself. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: If that woman had been in a work setting and her boss had talked to her in irritated tones, and her co-workers were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, she would have cause for filing harassment charges.
Were she in a school setting and the teacher always spoke to her in irritated tones, and her classmates were disrespectful or ignored her altogether, you would have advised her to take the teacher to task and be concerned that her classmates were harassing her.
Is that behavior more acceptable in a family setting because the perpetrators are her husband and sons? Absolutely not!
It appears she was at the breaking point and escaped the only way she could. Many people have chosen suicide at that point, but she chose to run away from home.
She should seek counseling, but only to see if she would really care to go back to an abusive situation. -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEILTON, WASH.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I did not advise her to return to an abusive situation. I told her to seek counseling to be sure she was strong enough to face what might lie ahead. Once she was on firmer emotional footing, the counselor -- or a clergyperson -- could mediate and facilitate the family reunion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Had her family been supportive and seen to it that she had been evaluated physically and mentally, maybe she would owe them an apology. But as it stands, the husband and the sons should be begging her for forgiveness. She should not return to them until the entire family has completed therapy. Only then will they deserve HER forgiveness. -- ROBYN IN TACOMA
DEAR ROBYN: On that point I certainly agree. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to say to "Lost Mother": Get help, get strong -- and THEN tell your kids how much you love them. It may take a while for them to fully understand why you left -- but in time they will. Also, don't go back to your husband unless he is willing to admit that he was wrong and agrees to go to counseling, too.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you. -- BEEN THERE, TOO
DEAR "TOO": I hope "Lost Mother" sees your letter -- and that she knows we are all rooting for her.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Keeping Peace in the Family Isn't Always the Right Course
DEAR ABBY: I loved your reply to the woman whose nasty mother-in-law expects her college-bound grandson to call and visit and do her chores on weekends. This after years of playing favorites with his cousins and disrespectful treatment of his mother. The woman asked what to say to her mother-in-law when she called and demanded the young man's phone number.
You advised her to tell her mother-in-law that college is a big adjustment, that the young man has her telephone number with him, and in the meantime she'll have to find someone else to do her chores.
I have a further suggestion -- turn the phone over to her husband when nasty grandma calls and starts complaining. Let HIM do the explaining.
I'm sick of people who advise turning the other cheek or keeping peace in the family. If people want respect, they had better act like they deserve it. -- EX-RELATIVE AND GLAD OF IT
DEAR GLAD: You are correct that respect is something that cannot be demanded or bought. It's something that must be earned. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: That "mean" grandmother could have been my grandma. She never liked my mother and constantly criticized her in front of us and other relatives. She favored the other grandkids and ignored us.
My mother never held a grudge against my grandmother. Mother encouraged us to ignore the nasty comments. She said that in time, Grandma would realize the error of her ways.
For years, I would go to my grandmother's house and clean the pool, do housework and pull weeds in her yard. My sister would also help, but my brother was less forgiving. He wanted nothing to do with her.
My sister, brother and I have all turned out well. We have college educations and successful careers. The "favored" grandkids are either unemployed or still living with their parents.
Grandma passed away recently. Her "last will and testament" speaks volumes. In it, she stated that she had given money and gifts to her other children -- none of whom had ever lifted a hand to help when she needed it -- so she was leaving her sizable estate to my family, including my mother.
My mom cried. -- A BIG FAN IN CANOGA PARK, CALIF.
DEAR FAN: Your mom may have cried, but each time I read your letter I can't help smiling. Your mother's kindness and a lifetime of turning the other cheek paid dividends -- literally.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHAFTED AGAIN" IN SILVER SPRING: One of the most exhausting burdens in the world is the weight of bearing a grudge. Read on:
FORGIVENESS
(Author Unknown)
The friend who ran off with your wife,
Forgive him for his lust;
The chum who sold you phony stocks,
Forgive his breach of trust;
The pal who schemed behind your back,
Forgive his evil plot;
And when you're done, forgive yourself
'Cause you are all you've got.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)