For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Christmas Shared With Elderly Neighbor Is Treasured Memory
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from the "Grinch" who didn't want her elderly neighbor intruding on her family Christmas morning.
My husband was in the military during Christmas 1964. While he was overseas, my three small children and I lived in a neighborhood with a large number of retired people.
Early Christmas morning, an elderly woman from across the street arrived unexpectedly with gifts. She said she wanted to come while the kids were still opening their presents and the gift wrappings and ribbon were all over the floor. She had no family of her own and wished to be part of our family's celebration.
My children, grandchildren and I still celebrate together on Christmas mornings. My husband survived the war, but has since died. That dear elderly neighbor has long since passed on, but my children and I speak of her lovingly each Christmas morning as we open gifts among paper and ribbons scattered on the floor.
I hope "Grinch" will rethink her outlook. She should realize that sharing the joy of Christmas with others will teach her children a precious lesson for years to come. -- A FLORIDA GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: You're a woman with a heart of gold. As "Grinch's" letter shows, some people are more territorial about their families and holidays than you are. I agree that sharing the holidays would be a valuable lesson for the children. A joy shared is twice a joy.
DEAR ABBY: As regular readers of your column know, more and more often the bereaved are giving themselves permission to break away from formalized funeral rituals and creating final memorials that are in keeping with the expressed wishes of their deceased loved ones.
As president-elect of an association dedicated to affordable alternatives to conventional funerals, I urge your readers to:
(1) Take time now to preplan and discuss with family their wishes for this final event.
(2) When that time arrives, exercise your rights to create a memorial that is in keeping with the close family's expressed desires.
(3) Do not be intimidated by those who insist that you are doing the loved one a disservice by not having a conventional funeral.
Thank you for helping us to shed some light on this issue, Abby. -- TOM SIMONSON, CREMATION ASSOCIATION OF NORTH AMERICA
DEAR TOM: I'm pleased to post your gentle reminder for any reader who needs encouragement. Talking about the inevitable isn't easy; sometimes it's difficult to get people who love us to listen to such an unpleasant subject.
However, the most practical way around those defenses is to make clear, well before the need arises, that you want your family to keep as many of your assets as possible.
A funeral procession that rivals the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace may be a great spectacle, but it's a little late for the star of the show. The time to show respect and affection to those we love is while they are living.
Daughter Who Sleeps Nude Keeps Mom Awake at Night
DEAR ABBY: I started college last fall and moved into a dorm. My roommate and I get along great. She sleeps in the nude. It shocked me at first, but the weather was hot, so I tried it. Now I wouldn't sleep any other way.
Last week, while I was visiting my family, my mother came into my room to wake me. She saw my bare shoulders and correctly assumed I was nude underneath the blankets. You should have seen her reaction! She is now convinced that I am sexually active, which I am not. She thinks my roommate and I must be lesbians. (We're both straight.) She says what I am doing is immoral and un-Christian.
Abby, I am a very religious person. I cannot see how sleeping in the nude is immoral. I don't talk about it or prance around nude. Am I missing something? How can I convince Mother that what I'm doing is really OK? -- FEELING THE HEAT
DEAR FEELING THE HEAT: Nudity is not immoral; it has nothing to do with religion. It is not an indication of sexual activity or lack of it. Nudity is simply a state of undress. You are comfortable with it; your mother is not. You probably can't convince a person who feels that nudity is fundamentally wrong that it's OK. Part of growing up is learning to listen to our conscience and deciding what's right for us. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter, "Jenny," sleeps at her best friend's house about once a month. Her friend has a double bed, which they share. I have been fine with this. I have slept in the same bed with other women, and there was nothing sexual about it.
Since last summer, Jenny has been sleeping in the nude. I don't have a problem with that, either. She doesn't parade around the house naked and is quite modest. I started sleeping in the nude when I was 18. Again, there was nothing sexual about it.
The other day, I asked Jenny if she slept in the nude when she was at her friend's house. She said they both did. It has been bothering me ever since. I can't help feeling their friendship is sexual. I'm afraid asking her outright would make her angry or might result in her lying to me, since she knows I would not approve of her having sex with anyone at this age.
Abby, do you think it's possible two 16-year-old girls could share the same bed naked and not be sexually involved? What can I do to ease my mind? -- SUSPICIOUS MOM IN NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR SUSPICIOUS MOM: Yes, I do think it's possible. However, your question is intriguing. Are there any other reasons you are suspicious? Has she shown an interest in boys?
Your daughter will not become defensive when you talk to her about her sexual orientation unless you appear accusatory or judgmental. Although time may answer your question for you, you and she are overdue for a frank and loving mother-daughter chat. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I recently heard the best way to sleep soundly is to keep your feet and hands warm. The image I had from this report was: Sleep with socks and mittens, but nothing else.
A few days later, another article claimed that when you sleep totally nude, heat is more evenly distributed, thus you sleep more comfortably, even in the cold of winter.
What have you heard about sleeping in the nude? -- NUDIST IN SANTA CLARITA, CALIF.
DEAR NUDIST: Only this: Heat escapes from the top of the head and the bottom of the feet. So to conserve body heat, wear socks and a ski cap. And pray that anyone who sees you doesn't die laughing.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Patriots Must Learn to Pay Proper Respect for the Flag
DEAR ABBY: How do you chew out someone whose heart is in the right place? During the Cold War, I spent almost six years defending the flag of our country. While I am delighted to see it flying everywhere, folks -- please use your head as well as your heart.
A flag flying from a car at high speed takes a beating. Please replace it before it turns into a rag. I have seen some so far gone that only half the flag remains. I even saw a pair of flags hanging horizontally from a car trunk. They looked like mud flaps.
If you display a flag at your home, please keep it hanging free. If there has been a strong wind, unwind it. If it has caught on the shrubbery, please untangle it.
Finally, a request to the business world: If you use the flag in your ads, please don't alter it. One of our local radio stations went so far as to replace the blue field of stars with its own logo.
When people get old and gray, it's time to love and care for them. When flags get old and gray, it's time to replace them. -- KEN DALE, WEST LINN, ORE.
DEAR KEN: Thank you for a timely letter. I, too, have seen torn, faded, rain-drenched American flags flying from car windows, and tangled flags on homes and apartments. The U.S. Flag Code, adopted in 1923, describes the following rules for proper flag protocol:
(1) Always display the flag with the field of blue in the upper left-hand corner. To display it upside down is considered a distress signal.
(2) It should be carried aloft and free, never flat or horizontally.
(3) The flag should always be kept clean and safe; never let it become torn, soiled or damaged.
(4) The flag should be destroyed by burning in a dignified manner.
(5) Always treat the flag with respect. Never embroider it on household items or pieces of clothing.
People who are unable to dispose of the flag in the prescribed manner should contact their nearest American Legion or VFW post. Most of them have an annual ceremony in which old and worn flags are properly destroyed.
Readers who would like a copy of the brochure "Our Flag: How to Honor and Display It," and a flag fact sheet on "Flag Retirement," need only request it and send $1 plus a long (business-size), stamped, self-addressed envelope to National Flag Foundation, Flag Plaza, 1275 Bedford Ave., Pittsburgh, PA 15219-3630. It can also be reviewed on the Internet at www.americanflags.org. Or call the NFF toll-free: (800) 615-1776.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding wedding shower gifts. I live in my own apartment. My fiance lives at home with his folks. We registered for some practical things -- mostly items for the kitchen.
My question: Is it rude to use the gifts BEFORE we get married? We're not being married for four more months. It feels a little strange to be putting our wedding shower gifts to use, but isn't that the purpose -- to set up housekeeping? Please advise. -- GAYLE IN TOLEDO
DEAR GAYLE: Call me an incurable romantic -- or perhaps superstitious -- but the time to start using wedding shower gifts is after the honeymoon.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)