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Penny Left Behind Helps Mom Move Ahead After Son's Death
DEAR ABBY: My son, Tommy, loved orange and grapefruit juice. A serious baseball player and avid outdoorsman, he was a health-conscious 17-year-old. Early in January 1999, a good friend gave me two cans of grapefruit juice for Tommy. Two weeks later, there was still one left.
In May of 2001, I read my first "pennies from heaven" story in your column. I wasn't having a good day, but decided to do some cleaning anyway. I started with our refrigerator. There, sitting on a shelf, was the last can of Tommy's juice. For two years, friends and family members had urged me to throw it out. Nobody understood why I kept it. "Just don't touch it," I'd say.
You see, my only son, my precious Tommy, was killed Jan. 20, 1999, in a tragic car accident on his way to school. I couldn't throw out his last can of juice -- it was part of his life. The pain I suffered when he died seemed to strengthen the bond he and I had shared. But I needed a message from him to let me know he was OK. I knew someday the message would come, because I believe in my children. I knew he would find a way to reach me from the grave. My fear was how long I could hang on without knowing he was OK.
As these thoughts raced through my mind, I went back to cleaning. I picked up the rusty can of juice, and to my surprise, underneath was a green, moldy penny on the saucer.
It took me months to speak of that day. When I finally told my husband and daughter, I feared they would not believe me. It took them a while, but there were more signs to come.
In July 2001, determined to have some fun, we went away for our 22nd anniversary. We took our daughter and new grandbaby with us. Walking through the doorway of our hotel, my husband looked down. There were two pennies -- one facing him and one facing me.
This past summer, I went with my daughter and the children of some friends to the beach. On our way home, we stopped to ride the go-carts -- a family tradition. My daughter and I both found pennies inside our go-carts.
Abby, the denial is gone. The pain and struggle are not, but it's a little easier now. Tommy and I have built a different kind of relationship, still unique and strong. Wanting to feel your son again cannot be put into words. Only a mother knows that need.
The penny stories need to continue for people like me. I now accept all the strange coincidences in my life knowing Tommy is letting me know he's close.
The penny in the fridge broke the ice for me. It started a new beginning. Thank you. -- ROCKY FRAZIER, DOVER, DEL.
DEAR ROCKY: I used to think a penny was a denomination of money. I now know it's also an article of faith.
DEAR ABBY: My dear friend, "Jean," is having trouble with her old lover, "Toby." She broke up with him a month ago. Ever since, Toby has been following her -- and last night threatened to kill her.
Abby, Jean comes to me for help, but I don't know what to do. She is afraid to go to the police because she thinks it will make Toby even angrier. What should I do? -- A FRIEND OF A FRIEND IN NEED
DEAR FRIEND: The police should be notified ASAP. It is against the law to stalk people and threaten to kill them. Your friend needs your emotional support. Take her to the police station and help her to file a complaint. You may be saving her life.
Mom Distraught by Emotional Tie to Son's Teen Age Friend
DEAR ABBY: I have had an unusually close bond with my son's best friend, "Chad." We talk several times a week and enjoy each other's company. Chad is 17. I am 45. He has always made me feel special.
Recently I chaperoned a school dance, and he was there. While checking the back hallway, I saw him kissing a girl. I was stunned by my reaction. I broke down in front of them. I sobbed like a teen-ager whose boyfriend was cheating on her. Other students and adults also witnessed my unfortunate display of emotions. Now I am afraid to talk with Chad -- and he's made no effort to call me.
Abby, I honestly don't know how to explain myself. I am afraid this will affect Chad's friendship with my son, as well. I do not want to lose my relationship with this wonderful young man, whom I dearly love. What do I do now? -- EMOTIONAL MOM IN PASADENA, CALIF.
DEAR EMOTIONAL MOM: I think you have done enough. It's time to put some distance between you and this lad. You didn't mention whether or not you have a husband. If you are single, it's time to concentrate your energies on someone closer to your own age.
DEAR ABBY: The "Are You an Alcoholic?" test you printed listing 12 questions was good as far as it went -- but it didn't go far enough. I'm sure that anyone who was raised by, or married to, or has a friend who is an alcoholic cringed when they read it.
Where were these questions: When you take one or two drinks, can you stop and walk away? Have you ever embarrassed yourself or someone else when drinking? Do you drink every day? How many times in the last month have you awakened with a hangover? Do you spend money you don't have on alcohol? Has this affected your sleeping habits? (Do you pass out, get a drink in the middle of the night, or wet the bed when you sleep because of alcohol?)
There are many "working" alcoholics and many who don't work -- mostly women -- because they are financially able not to. I know, because between parents, a husband and a good friend, I have experienced it all.
Please rethink your test and add these questions. -- BEEN THERE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do that. And thank you for the valuable input.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to add a thought to David Broome's words of encouragement to "Scared About the New Job." He said, "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
While I appreciate his sentiment and completely agree with his contrasting the success of the ark to that of the Titanic, I must point out that the success of the ark was not due to its contractor, but to its architect. -- GARY SHIRLEY, OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.
DEAR GARY: I'm pleased to "float" your theory.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Old Friend Becomes New Suitor Too Quickly for Divorced Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old divorced woman with a 2-year-old daughter. The problem is, an old boyfriend I dated in college -- I'll call him Russell -- heard about my divorce and has asked me to marry him.
Abby, I am not ready for another relationship. After several years of trauma, I have just gotten my life in order.
I told Russell we should start off slowly and keep our 15-year friendship as it was, but he won't take no for an answer.
Please don't get me wrong. I really like Russell. How do I let him down gently without jeopardizing our friendship? -- BEWILDERED IN BOSTON
DEAR BEWILDERED: It's possible that Russell is putting on the full-court press because he lost you once and doesn't want to risk losing you again. However, by pressuring you, he's going about it the wrong way.
It's reasonable and sensible that you want time to regain your balance after a bad marriage. You need time to determine what's best for you and your child. Remember, it is in your power to control what happens. When Russell calls, it's your prerogative whether or not to be available.
DEAR ABBY: I consider myself a happily married woman, and have been since 1988. My husband has always said he's happy, too, but he is too flirtatious to suit me.
An example: Our attorney hired a new secretary whom we've seen several times. This morning, my husband's cell phone rang, and he was suddenly laughing and talking animatedly with this female about her job and everything else under the sun.
Later he told me who it was on the phone, with a long explanation about why she called. Abby, I think it's dangerous for a married man to become personal so quickly. We own several businesses, and it's always the same thing -- he visits female "customers" in the hospital, stops by their work, etc. When I express concern, he says that I'm being jealous -- that they're only "friends."
I'm getting more than a little concerned about my marriage. My question is, should a husband have friends his wife has never met? -- ALONE IN PARADISE, NASSAU, BAHAMAS
DEAR ALONE: Your husband appears to be a people-oriented person -- outgoing, easy to talk to, and a clever businessman. If he hasn't given you any cause to doubt his fidelity since 1988, please give him the benefit of the doubt.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Noel," recently confided to me that she's having an affair with a married man. I know this man and his wife; they have a newborn baby. I also learned Noel has been unfaithful many times during her 11-year marriage to my sweet brother-in-law. Abby, although I find Noel's behavior absolutely disgusting, I have no intention of telling any family members about her adultery.
I need advice on how to handle everything she tells me. Noel and I were once close, but I do not want her to think I support or condone what she is doing. Frankly, I would like to distance myself from her. I think she is bad news. What do you think I should do? -- DISGUSTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: Be honest with her. Tell her that you think people are going to be badly hurt because of what she's doing -- and you want no part of it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)