For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Distraught by Emotional Tie to Son's Teen Age Friend
DEAR ABBY: I have had an unusually close bond with my son's best friend, "Chad." We talk several times a week and enjoy each other's company. Chad is 17. I am 45. He has always made me feel special.
Recently I chaperoned a school dance, and he was there. While checking the back hallway, I saw him kissing a girl. I was stunned by my reaction. I broke down in front of them. I sobbed like a teen-ager whose boyfriend was cheating on her. Other students and adults also witnessed my unfortunate display of emotions. Now I am afraid to talk with Chad -- and he's made no effort to call me.
Abby, I honestly don't know how to explain myself. I am afraid this will affect Chad's friendship with my son, as well. I do not want to lose my relationship with this wonderful young man, whom I dearly love. What do I do now? -- EMOTIONAL MOM IN PASADENA, CALIF.
DEAR EMOTIONAL MOM: I think you have done enough. It's time to put some distance between you and this lad. You didn't mention whether or not you have a husband. If you are single, it's time to concentrate your energies on someone closer to your own age.
DEAR ABBY: The "Are You an Alcoholic?" test you printed listing 12 questions was good as far as it went -- but it didn't go far enough. I'm sure that anyone who was raised by, or married to, or has a friend who is an alcoholic cringed when they read it.
Where were these questions: When you take one or two drinks, can you stop and walk away? Have you ever embarrassed yourself or someone else when drinking? Do you drink every day? How many times in the last month have you awakened with a hangover? Do you spend money you don't have on alcohol? Has this affected your sleeping habits? (Do you pass out, get a drink in the middle of the night, or wet the bed when you sleep because of alcohol?)
There are many "working" alcoholics and many who don't work -- mostly women -- because they are financially able not to. I know, because between parents, a husband and a good friend, I have experienced it all.
Please rethink your test and add these questions. -- BEEN THERE IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR BEEN THERE: I'll do that. And thank you for the valuable input.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to add a thought to David Broome's words of encouragement to "Scared About the New Job." He said, "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
While I appreciate his sentiment and completely agree with his contrasting the success of the ark to that of the Titanic, I must point out that the success of the ark was not due to its contractor, but to its architect. -- GARY SHIRLEY, OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.
DEAR GARY: I'm pleased to "float" your theory.
Old Friend Becomes New Suitor Too Quickly for Divorced Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old divorced woman with a 2-year-old daughter. The problem is, an old boyfriend I dated in college -- I'll call him Russell -- heard about my divorce and has asked me to marry him.
Abby, I am not ready for another relationship. After several years of trauma, I have just gotten my life in order.
I told Russell we should start off slowly and keep our 15-year friendship as it was, but he won't take no for an answer.
Please don't get me wrong. I really like Russell. How do I let him down gently without jeopardizing our friendship? -- BEWILDERED IN BOSTON
DEAR BEWILDERED: It's possible that Russell is putting on the full-court press because he lost you once and doesn't want to risk losing you again. However, by pressuring you, he's going about it the wrong way.
It's reasonable and sensible that you want time to regain your balance after a bad marriage. You need time to determine what's best for you and your child. Remember, it is in your power to control what happens. When Russell calls, it's your prerogative whether or not to be available.
DEAR ABBY: I consider myself a happily married woman, and have been since 1988. My husband has always said he's happy, too, but he is too flirtatious to suit me.
An example: Our attorney hired a new secretary whom we've seen several times. This morning, my husband's cell phone rang, and he was suddenly laughing and talking animatedly with this female about her job and everything else under the sun.
Later he told me who it was on the phone, with a long explanation about why she called. Abby, I think it's dangerous for a married man to become personal so quickly. We own several businesses, and it's always the same thing -- he visits female "customers" in the hospital, stops by their work, etc. When I express concern, he says that I'm being jealous -- that they're only "friends."
I'm getting more than a little concerned about my marriage. My question is, should a husband have friends his wife has never met? -- ALONE IN PARADISE, NASSAU, BAHAMAS
DEAR ALONE: Your husband appears to be a people-oriented person -- outgoing, easy to talk to, and a clever businessman. If he hasn't given you any cause to doubt his fidelity since 1988, please give him the benefit of the doubt.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Noel," recently confided to me that she's having an affair with a married man. I know this man and his wife; they have a newborn baby. I also learned Noel has been unfaithful many times during her 11-year marriage to my sweet brother-in-law. Abby, although I find Noel's behavior absolutely disgusting, I have no intention of telling any family members about her adultery.
I need advice on how to handle everything she tells me. Noel and I were once close, but I do not want her to think I support or condone what she is doing. Frankly, I would like to distance myself from her. I think she is bad news. What do you think I should do? -- DISGUSTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: Be honest with her. Tell her that you think people are going to be badly hurt because of what she's doing -- and you want no part of it.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Gay Man's Dream of Family Could Turn Into Nightmare
DEAR ABBY: Please reprint a letter you ran a few years ago from a gay man who was single, but wanted to be straight so he could fulfill his dream of marrying and having children.
I am a 38-year-old married gay man. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this issue. My wife and I are being divorced. The truth came out after I went into rehab after becoming addicted to prescription pain medication.
I realize I have made a mess of everything. I love my wife of 15 years, but I am unable to love her the way she deserves. -- BETTER OFF OUT
DEAR BETTER OFF: I have had many requests for that letter since it originally appeared, and I'm pleased to print it again. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'll get right to the point -- I am gay, but I don't like being gay. I want a wife and children. I also have a career in which further advancement would be very difficult if it becomes known that I am gay. Psychiatrists and other therapists I have consulted have tried to help me to adjust to my homosexuality rather than help me to change.
Abby, adjusting to homosexuality is fine for those who have accepted their homosexuality, but I have not. I know I'd be happier straight. Please help me. -- UNHAPPY
DEAR UNHAPPY: Did you choose to be homosexual? If so, you could choose to be "straight." But if you have always had erotic feelings for men instead of women, then face it, you are homosexual -- and even though you may be able to change your behavior, you will not be able to change your feelings.
Some therapists insist that if a homosexual is sufficiently motivated, he or she can become "straight" again. Maybe so, but the chances are slim. Marrying and having children may make you happier, but what about the other people you involve?
To thine own self be true. Only then will you find true happiness.
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for three years and have a 10-year-old daughter, "Candace," who lives with me. My ex-husband, "Chet," and I are friendly. I have a full-time job, work part time on the weekends, and go to school two nights a week. I'll get my B.S. degree next July.
Chet has offered to keep Candace on nights when I go to school. I have always been very flexible about the time she spends with her father. Mother thinks I am giving Candace the wrong message. I have talked with my daughter, and she knows her daddy and I will not be getting back together. We are only friends. Mother says I need to prove to Candace that we are not reconciling. She says Chet shouldn't be with my daughter in my home on the nights I go to school or even on weekends when I am working.
Mother says I have depended upon others my whole life. That's a big joke. I have been on my own since I was 17. Mother thinks I need to start depending upon myself more. What do you think? -- CONFUSED MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CONFUSED MOM: I wish all divorces were as amicable as yours. It seems you're doing everything right. I can only conclude that your mother does not want your daughter to have a healthy relationship with her father. That said, maybe it's time to discount what your mother thinks. You're a big girl now, and the important thing is what YOU believe.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)