For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER-IN-LAW ENCOURAGES MAN TO MOVE ON WITH LIFE
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Steve," whose wife, "Marie," died five years ago. Marie was one of the most popular and beloved ladies in town. Their child was left without a mother. Steve remarried about two years ago. Marie's mother continued to stay in close contact with Steve and her grandchild.
Recently, Steve approached me at a social function. He was beaming. He told me he was buying a new house. He said his former mother-in-law had told him in plain English to put away Marie's pictures and buy his wife a new home.
Apparently the mother-in-law is a lot like her daughter -- charming, thoughtful and considerate. -- STEVE'S FRIEND
DEAR FRIEND: Marie's mother is also sensitive and practical. Orchids to her. I usually receive letters from readers complaining about their mothers-in-law. It's refreshing to hear the other side of the story. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who is now 89, has lived with our family for more than 30 years. Her name is Collette, but everyone calls her Goldie. I don't know when people began calling her that, but I do know she is worth her weight in gold.
Goldie has devoted a large portion of her life to helping my family. We have had to hire a baby sitter only twice for our three children the entire time they were growing up. Goldie cooked the majority of our evening meals. She helped to wash and iron to the point where my wife had to start hiding our clothes to stop her mother from working so hard. She watched our dogs during the day, and they preferred her company over ours.
Whenever my family needed Goldie, she was there. She is very considerate. If she feels we need our privacy, she goes to her living quarters. We often beg her to stay, but she won't change her mind. We learned early on not to impose our wills on Goldie.
I feel sorry for people who don't have a Goldie in their lives. When she is no longer with us, I will forever feel the loss. -- TOM, HER SON-IN-LAW
DEAR TOM: What a glowing tribute for a son-in-law to offer. You're a lucky family to have each other. It would be wonderful if more families could enjoy the love and cooperation between generations that yours does. Perhaps the secret lies in mutual respect for each other's boundaries.
DEAR ABBY: Your wisdom is remarkable. You told "Confused in West Sacramento" that "Happiness is where you find it; age is a state of mind."
I married my lovely Blanche on Sept. 15, 1951. We just celebrated our 50th anniversary at Fancy Feet Ballroom in Oregon City. We danced an exhibition ballroom cha-cha and enjoyed dancing with our many friends. Our son's band furnished two terrific hours of music.
Blanche is now 74; I am 96. (I have a daughter one year older than Blanche.) Love, good nutrition, dancing, gardening and mutual intellectual interests keep us active and happy. Our first date was at the Palladium in Hollywood, Calif. We have danced together with joy ever since! -- HARRY F. BILLINGS, SALEM, ORE.
DEAR HARRY: Your letter proves that dancing not only lifts the spirits, but also provides healthy cardiovascular exercise that can add quality to a long life. The same can be said of love -- which you also have in abundance. May it ever be thus. (I have a hunch your wife loves to dance to "I'm Just Wild About Harry"!)
Early Intervention for Troubled Child Saves Later Heartache
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Angry Mother in Texas," who was offended when "Uncle Pete" (who is schizophrenic) voiced his concerns that her 8-year-old son might also have a mental illness. You were right to advise her to have her son evaluated.
I am a patient care coordinator for a pediatric outpatient facility. I talk to parents who call our facility seeking help for the first time.
Recently I spoke with a woman whose seventh-grader was showing signs of mental instability. She said her daughter had always been different, but now she was having more difficulty than ever. The mother was heartbroken that her daughter had no friends and no one to talk to. Mom knew she was in denial, but she wanted to protect her daughter from being labeled. Resistant to seeking mental health services, Mom finally agreed to a neurologic evaluation with our pediatric neurologist.
Before that visit could occur, the mother called me again expressing concern about her daughter's behavior. After consultation with our psychiatrist, the girl was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for intensive treatment.
Abby, as parents, our instincts are to protect our children. That mother had tried everything from divorcing her husband, to moving to a different city, to placing her daughter in a private school. Had she sought evaluation and treatment sooner, it is likely that therapy and medication could have managed the child's symptoms and saved them all much heartache, turmoil and expense.
Sometimes parents are blinded by love and do not see their children with open eyes. I hope "Angry Mother" takes your advice, if only to put her fears to rest. -- A CARING MOTHER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CARING MOTHER: So do I. The most responsible and loving thing parents can do is to be certain that their children's health is absolutely sound, both physically and mentally. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Angry Mother in Texas":
PLEASE have your child checked. My cousin is autistic and mentally retarded. When his mother (my aunt) first saw my youngest son at the age of 1, she told me he should be tested. I was so upset I ignored her.
Luckily, our pediatrician also suspected there might be a problem and had my child tested. My son is also autistic. Knowing and understanding the disability has helped our family as well as my son.
I apologized to my aunt for doubting her. My son says he loves visiting "Aunt Betty" the best because she understands his autism. -- ANOTHER TEXAS MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Some parents fail to realize that having a child with a mental illness is not a reflection on themselves or their parenting ability. The elephant in the living room can't be denied forever, and the sooner the child receives proper diagnosis and treatment, the better for the child and the family.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning the letter about ethnic stereotyping. Comedian Red Skelton used to tell a story that perfectly ridiculed such stereotyping:
A man was seated next to a Chinese gentleman at a banquet. Attempting to make conversation, the man said in Chinese pidgin, "You likee food?"
Just then his table partner was introduced to the crowd. He walked to the dais and delivered a beautiful speech in perfect English. When he returned to the table, he turned to his seat partner and said, "You likee speech?" -- JACK RUNNINGER, ROME, GA.
DEAR JACK: I'm sure the man was left speechless.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Special Smoke Detectors Send Alarm to the Hard of Hearing
DEAR ABBY: Your Dec. 21 column featured a letter from a reader who is concerned because an elderly friend is unable to hear the audible signal from his smoke alarm. Your reader is right to be concerned. Smoke alarms provide the early warning of fire that makes it possible to escape. Every household needs working smoke alarms on each level of the home, and all members of the household must be able to react quickly to the alarm.
For people with hearing impairments, special smoke detection devices with louder alarms or strobe lights are available.
In addition to common audible-signal smoke alarms, many manufacturers now market a wide variety of signaling devices that -- when combined -- meet the needs of all people. Residents interested in purchasing these devices should contact their local fire department for information on manufacturers and local distributors.
Smoke alarms are an essential element of home fire protection. Everyone should have the life-saving protection afforded by this important technology. Thank you for helping your readers with hearing impairments learn how they can be better protected. -- GEORGE D. MILLER, PRESIDENT AND CEO, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION
DEAR GEORGE: And thank YOU for continuing to be a valuable resource for my readers and me. My readers will be pleased to know that detailed fact sheets on smoke alarms and other fire protection devices can be downloaded by visiting the National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) online at www.nfpa.org.
Not only are smoke alarms with strobe lights as well as audible alarms available, there's even one that can be placed beneath one's pillow or between the mattress and box spring that vibrates when smoke is detected.
A magazine called Hearing Loss, published by Self Help for Hard of Hearing People, 7910 Woodmont Ave., Suite 1200, Bethesda, MD 20814-3015, also keeps subscribers abreast of other safety products such as assisted-living devices, doorbells, special telephones, etc.
Every household needs at least one working fire alarm. The inability to hear one is no longer a reason for not having that kind of essential protection.
DEAR ABBY: My boss, "Adam," is 43. I am 50. We are both divorced. We have become very close during the three years we have worked together. I have two adult children. He has none.
Adam and I spend a great deal of time together -- at work and socially -- but always on a platonic basis. The problem is, I have fallen in love with him. I realize that an on-the-job romance -- especially between a boss and a subordinate -- would be a big mistake. However, I know he cares a great deal for me, although he does not share my romantic feelings.
Abby, I am having a hard time hiding my emotions when he dates other women. It impacts my work performance. I feel it would be best for me to look for another job. He told me that if I were a true friend I would want him to be happy and to marry someone who could be the mother of his children. I do want Adam to be happy, and I love my job, but I have deep feelings for him. He thinks it is selfish of me to want to leave. Do you? -- IT'S TOUGH TO BE IN LOVE BY MYSELF
DEAR IT'S TOUGH: I do not think your desire to leave is selfish. Quite the contrary. It's selfish of him to try to make you feel guilty for wanting to leave. You'd have to be a masochist to stay.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)