Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Visits to Strip Clubs Aren't as Harmless as Man Claims
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the man who can't stay out of strip clubs reminded me of my husband. He goes two, three, sometimes four times a week. For a long time he tried to hide it. Now he goes openly. He says he won't change, and if I don't like it -- too bad.
Well, I don't like it. He says it's harmless -- that all his friends are there, and none of the other wives mind. (I doubt that.) I have long suspected he had a problem. After reading that letter, I know he has one.
I can understand going to a strip club once in a while as a lark, but why should a man almost 50 years old need to go several times a week to watch topless dancers young enough to be his daughters? I'm not straitlaced, but frankly, I am sick over this. He claims not to have a problem. Why do men do this? -- HURT AND HEARTSICK IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HURT AND HEARTSICK: The strip clubs of the new millennium are not your grandfather's (or my grandfather's!) strip clubs. They have added a new wrinkle -- audience interaction in the form of "lap dances" and sometimes more. Men who visit strip clubs "two, three and four times a week" DO have a problem. They're hooked.
Why do they do it? Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Hooked in Portland" to RUN to those Sexaholics Anonymous meetings before it's too late.
For 17 years, my husband has frequented strip clubs (including the lap dances), massage parlors, porn sites, and has been having phone sex with prostitutes in other countries. He has cashed in all his stocks and wasted more than $70,000. He told me he was going out of town on "business" and took a hooker to Asia for an exotic vacation at a five-star hotel. He buys expensive jewelry for these women, and on one trip to a strip club, withdrew more than $1,800 from the ATM.
When I protested, he told me I was a lesbian (which was news to me) and that it was all my fault, because I "made him" do all his illicit acts.
I think men go to strip clubs to watch women degrade themselves. Deep down, they really hate women. Their addiction is more important than the fact they can get herpes and AIDS. I'll never understand why these men cannot control themselves. -- SEEN ONE, SEEN 'EM ALL
DEAR SEEN ONE: There is no "one reason" why men -- and women -- become caught up in sexual addiction. However, the next letter may offer some insight:
DEAR ABBY: You advised "Hooked in Portland" to contact Sexaholics Anonymous. It's a fine organization, but he'll still have to lie to his wife if he doesn't want to admit he's attending their weekly meetings.
I, too, was addicted to strip clubs and porn videos, and I have the following advice for "Hooked": Find a psychologist who is experienced in the treatment of addictions, anxiety and depression. He can tell his wife that he's stressed out and wants to see a professional before his work, home life, etc., begin to suffer.
With counseling I realized I was "tranquilizing" myself with pornography to escape anxiety and depression (insomnia, irritability, etc.) but not before severely damaging my marriage. Thank God I have an amazing wife who stood by me. Our marriage is now stronger than ever.
I applaud "Hooked" for seeking help. If he eventually decides to tell his wife the whole story, I suspect she'll be impressed by his efforts, too. -- BETTER THAN EVER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR BETTER THAN EVER: Congratulations on your recovery, for recognizing you had a problem and dealing with it. I hope others who are caught in sexual addiction will recognize themselves in your letter and know they are not alone and that help is available.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a recent high school graduate. I have received several national commendations and graduated at the top of my class.
So why is it that because I work with my parents in an "ethnic" restaurant, patrons assume I have no command of the English language and am slow-witted?
Please print this letter in the hope that people will realize that behind my face -- white, black, yellow, brown, etc. -- there is a mind and a heart that is hurt when people don't bother to appreciate the diversity of the human race. -- STAMP OUT STEREOTYPING, NEW YORK CITY
DEAR S.O.S.: The patrons probably do not intend to be hurtful or disrespectful. They are behind the times. A generation ago, workers in ethnic restaurants were often newcomers to this country and just learning the English language. Today, however, restaurant workers are more likely to be second- or third-generation citizens.
I'm printing your letter to remind readers who are guilty of stereotyping "foreigners" that many of the workers are well-educated sons and daughters of the business owners, and doing this work by choice, not because they are unqualified for other employment. Looking down one's nose at someone who appears "different" is shortsighted and just plain wrong.
DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law -- she's 41 -- have an adorable 3-year-old, and they really want another child. In the last three years, she has had three miscarriages.
We will be visiting them in September, and I don't want to be a meddling mother-in-law, but I believe they need to relax and enjoy the little one they have and stop "hoping for more." I especially worry because of her age. How and what can I say to encourage them to accept with joy the fact that they'll probably have only one child? -- CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONCERNED: In the interest of family harmony and their feelings, avoid the subject. No input from you can lessen your son and daughter-in-law's pain and disappointment at being unable to have another child. You are pushing for a conclusion they will have to reach by themselves in their own time.
DEAR ABBY: I am a pretty 29-year-old woman living in a conservative area in Canada. I have always been comfortable with my statuesque body. My boyfriend loves that I dress flatteringly -- or even downright provocatively!
My question is about the "do's and don'ts" of thong bikinis. We have lovely beaches here. Bikinis are common, but I have yet to see another woman wear a thong bikini. I enjoy wearing them, but I'm wondering if it's a breach of etiquette to wear one around families or children. Thong bikinis on older, out-of-shape men (eew!) are common. Abby, if it's good for the gander, what about the goose? -- TOO SEXY FOR YOUR KIDS?
DEAR TOO SEXY: Let's leave the geese out of it and concentrate on people. When in doubt, cover up. Getting arrested for indecent exposure would be a real "bummer."
dear
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Finds Love in the Air but Loses It After Landing
DEAR ABBY: No live-in mother-in-law, no boom-box neighbors; nevertheless, I've got a problem.
I was flying home from a European vacation recently, when I realized fate had plunked down beside me the answer to my prayers. A graduate of Brown, "Janis" had been working in an olive grove in Italy. She was everything: pretty, demure, Irish, intelligent, svelte, "with it." All that and a great sense of humor as well. We talked, we laughed, and during the movie our arms accidentally touched more than chance would dictate. We were falling in love at 37,000 feet as clouds raced past beneath us.
Too soon, the image on the screen told us we were nearing New York's Kennedy Airport and the end of our "summer romance." As we unloaded the overhead bins, Janis said, "I guess we won't be seeing each other again -- unless it's at the baggage carousel?" A definite opening. She looked stunned when I replied, "Have a nice life, Janis."
Abby, how could I have said such a stupid thing? What possessed me after God had gone to all that trouble setting up the right day, the right flight, the right seat, next to the right woman? I rationalize that maybe it was the geography. She in Seattle; I in L.A. More likely it was fear of rejection.
Balzac wrote something like: "No lady, no matter how chaste, is ever really offended by an overture of love." I keep forgetting that at crucial moments. And unlike streetcars, another Janis won't come along in 20 minutes.
It would be interesting to know, Abby, how many of your readers have lost a love, a "happily ever after," because they were too shy, too governed by propriety, to reveal what was in their hearts. Probably thousands. When you think about it, what's to lose? Really nothing compared with what's to gain. -- STILL KICKING MYSELF IN FRAZIER PARK, CALIF.
DEAR STILL KICKING: Please stop kicking yourself. It has happened to everybody. I'm sure many of my readers will agree.
P.S. If your airplane angel sees this letter and writes to me, I'll see what I can do.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are planning to have a child. We've been told we're an attractive couple, and my husband often mentions what a "good-looking" child we will have. He also discusses the "cute pug nose" that runs on his side of the family.
When I was a teen-ager I had nasal surgery to correct a deviated septum and shorten a rather prominent nose. I've never told my husband about my surgery.
Abby, do you think I should tell him our child may inherit a large, bumped and/or crooked nose -- or take my chances and see what "physical characteristics" our son or daughter inherits? -- LOSING BY A NOSE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR LOSING: I see no reason to rush into a true confession session about what a child who hasn't even been conceived "might" look like. From my perspective, each successive generation of children is becoming more beautiful. There's a strong possibility that your children will inherit their father's nose. So hold your tongue, as well as a good thought. You can always bring up the subject if the need arises.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)