For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Farmer's Wife Finds Letter That's Too Hot to Handle
DEAR ABBY: I am in a predicament! I don't know what to do. We live on a farm. Last night after the children were asleep, I went out to the barn and found my husband hurrying to put away a mysterious bag. I asked him what he was doing. He said, "Nothing, just going through some old things." When we returned to the house together, he had some old photos of his ex-wife he said he was giving to her sister. I didn't mind. I felt that at least he was getting rid of them.
This morning, after the kids went to school, my curiosity got the best of me. I opened the bag and found some old family photographs and collectibles. Underneath, I found an envelope with his name on it. I opened it and found a letter written by his ex-wife. It wasn't an ordinary love letter -- it was a sexual fantasy.
The contents of the letter are disgusting. Now I don't know if I should destroy it, confront him, or put it back and try to forget I ever saw it. I'm afraid if I mention it he'll get angry that I snooped through his private things. If I destroy it, he will get really angry. If I leave it, I'm afraid he will read it from time to time, and I'LL be angry all over again. I wish I hadn't found it.
Abby, I love my husband and have never had any reason not to trust him, but after finding that letter, I don't know what to do. -- THE FARMER'S SECOND WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Under no circumstances should you be the one to destroy the letter. Tell your husband what you did and offer him an apology for snooping. When you tell him how upsetting the contents of the letter were, he may volunteer to get rid of it. However, the decision should be his. And if he wants to keep it, he won't be the first man (or woman) to keep a souvenir of a dead romance.
DEAR ABBY: So many people can't seem to get off the couch and into an exercise program. May I offer the following "Exercise Program for Lazy People"?
-- Jumping to conclusions
-- Beating around the bush
-- Climbing the walls
-- Passing the buck
-- Dragging my heels
-- Pushing my luck
-- Making mountains out of molehills
-- Hitting the nail on the head
-- Running around in circles
-- Climbing the ladder of success
-- Opening a can of worms
-- Starting the ball rolling
-- Jumping on the bandwagon
-- Picking up the pieces
-- Going over the edge
-- ANN E. FINK, ORANGE CITY, FLA.
DEAR ANN: What I like best about your "exercises" is they require no particular talent and no expensive equipment. However, my favorite wasn't listed: Putting your foot in your mouth.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my family and I suffered a tragic loss. Our 11-year-old Pomeranian dog "Poofy" was injured in an accident and died several days later. Poofy had been my constant companion and best friend since we adopted him as a puppy. As a single woman, I thought of him as my only child. I am still under treatment for the depression caused by his unexpected death.
For two days after Poofy's death, I called into work and explained that I would be unable to come in because of a "death in the family." However, when my employer discovered that the deceased was not a human, everything at my workplace changed! I was given the worst assignments. Newcomers got the better duties. I was constantly yelled at even though I did my best wherever I was assigned. I was treated like a lazy good-for-nothing who had used a lame excuse to miss work. I was even officially reprimanded for my "misbehavior." Eventually I had to leave my job.
Abby, was I wrong to expect sympathy from my employer? -- STILL GRIEVING IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR STILL GRIEVING: No, you were not wrong to expect sympathy from your employer. However, you were wrong in not being up-front about exactly which family member had died when you requested time off. And you must also realize that the magnitude of your sorrow might not be understood by those who are not as devoted animal-lovers as you are.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old graduate student who had the misfortune of being in an auto accident that left me unable to walk for three weeks. Enduring the pain was difficult, but I could not believe the attitude some people displayed toward me. Whenever I went to the market or department store, I had to rely on wheelchairs or motor carts provided by the store. I encountered people who cut in front of me or gave me dirty looks because I was taking up too much room in the aisle. Some customers even cut in front of me in the only handicap checkout lane in the store.
Lucky for me my injury caused only temporary inconvenience, but many people must deal with these sorts of hassles all their lives. May I ask shoppers, through your column, to be a little more considerate of those who must use wheelchairs or electric carts while shopping? -- GRATEFUL TO BE WALKING NOW
DEAR GRATEFUL: You certainly may. Consider your experience a crash course in empathy. Thank you for sharing the lesson so that all of us can be a bit more considerate in the future.
DEAR ABBY: How long should a couple be married prior to having an anniversary party and renewing their vows?
When my husband and I married a little over four years ago, we were moving out of state in two months and had little time to plan the wedding. It was a lovely event, but modest due to time and money constraints. We agreed that at some point we would renew our vows and have the anniversary party of our dreams.
At the time of our marriage, many family members and friends were not at all sure our marriage was a good idea. Their concerns were not without merit, and we understood. However, we are happily married, have started a beautiful family, and we'd really like to celebrate by hosting a party for family and friends. We don't want any gifts.
Abby, is five years too soon, or is it better to wait until we've been married 10 or 15 years to celebrate? -- HAPPY COUPLE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR HAPPY COUPLE: Your fifth anniversary would be an ideal time to celebrate the success of your union. Go for it!
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman's Duty as Supervisor Conflicts With Role as Friend
DEAR ABBY: I am a female supervisor of a staff of 30. My friend "Diane," who is also the office manager, is my problem. She constantly entertains personal calls and is very loud. She's a smart lady, but her work isn't up to par. (She knows her job, but does it "at her convenience.") Diane is also very bitter because she hasn't received a promotion. She had been told many times by the head of the department and by me to curtail her personal calls and to be more careful with her work.
Recently I was forced to take a lengthy medical leave. Diane was wonderful, calling and coming to visit. But I have recently returned to work, and my boss has asked me to talk to her again about the antics I mentioned. I'm afraid if I do so, I'll damage our friendship. Please tell me how to diplomatically approach her. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE, BRONX, N.Y.
DEAR BETWEEN: As a supervisor, your first responsibility must be to handle the problems with the staff you supervise. While you are on duty, that responsibility must take priority over personal friendships, which are after-hours relationships.
Explain to your co-worker/friend that while you don't want to jeopardize the friendship, counseling your staff is part of your job. Tell Diane that you are calling her unacceptable practices to her attention so that she can meet company standards necessary for her to be successful. If you are tactful, she should be able to distinguish between your work relationship and your personal one.
DEAR ABBY: With the end of summer comes the time of year I dread the most -- the holiday season.
It isn't the holidays that get me down, it's the prospect of visiting my husband's family with our new baby girl. They are all lifelong smokers who think nothing of holding a baby and a lighted cigarette at the same time.
My sister-in-law's kids have allergies and asthma, but she smokes around them anyway. Parties at my in-laws' are literally a cloud of smoke. When my husband's family are guests in our smoke-free home, they smoke outside. These folks think that as long as the baby is away from the smoke, it won't affect her. They don't realize the smell lingers on them -- whether they're smoking in or outside.
With the colder weather approaching, all our visits will be indoors. Our daughter's pediatrician says no one is to smoke around her. My husband refuses to say anything to his parents about the smoke and insists we take our baby to their house. What can I do? Our daughter is only 6 months old, and exposing her to all that smoke scares me.
I should add that I get along well with my in-laws except for this one issue. Please tell me how to handle this. -- SMOKELESS BUT OUTNUMBERED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SMOKELESS: Schedule a session with your baby's pediatrician and take your husband. He needs to be told by a professional that a smoke-free environment for your infant is "doctor's orders." Once he understands the importance of a smoke-free environment for the baby's health, the two of you can restrict the family visits at his parents' house and do it with a clear conscience.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)