To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mother's Patronizing Attitude Insults Her Disabled Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 30s and have a disability. I live with my mother. The problem is, she belittles and shames me. It is bad enough to deal with schizophrenia without constantly being insulted.
I have heard her tell people that I have ruined her life. Abby, I have never been violent, I have always taken my medication, and I do practically everything in the home. I'm clean and neat, I don't party or do drugs, I don't drink or smoke, I have no children, I have never been promiscuous, and I am a Christian.
Mother tells people that when she dies, she knows that my older siblings will put me in a home. This is insulting, because I am intelligent and can handle my own affairs. It also hurts because it implies that no one cares about me. She has even said that the only reason people associate with me is because of her. (As though our family and friends belong only to her.)
What I have mentioned is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm so tired of being disrespected, but I have put up with it this long without offering a single word in my own defense. How should I go about letting my mother know that I deserve the same respect she so readily gives to everyone else? -- DISCOURAGED IN THE SOUTHEAST
DEAR DISCOURAGED: Since such a large part of your mother's existence revolves around being a "martyr mother," it probably won't be easy. Waste no time in enlisting some help. The psychotherapist who issues your prescriptions is in a position to advocate for you -- and to clarify for your mother and siblings the degree to which you are able to live on your own if and when the need arises.
In contrast to decades past, there is much information available about schizophrenia for anyone who is interested. The World Psychiatric Association sponsors a Web site, "Schizophrenia: Open the Doors" (www.openthedoors.com), and you can find referrals to local chapters of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) that provide emotional and educational support for people with -- and families of people with -- all the major mental disorders. The toll-free number is (800) 950-6264 (NAMI). The Web address is: www.nami.org.
Although you may feel isolated and all alone in your mental illness, nothing could be further from the truth. I urge you to reach out and join a support group of other people who are coping with the same problems you are. You will find it both encouraging and empowering. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns people who are chronically late. I'm talking about my mother-in-law. When she's invited for dinner or a family outing, I can count on her being the last to arrive -- 30 to 45 minutes late.
Meanwhile, my side of the family gets tired of waiting for her while dinner gets cold on the table. My husband (her son) insists that we wait until she arrives to begin eating, while I think we should go ahead and start without her. My husband says I am rude.
Abby, who is most rude -- my mother-in-law for showing up late, my husband for sticking up for her, or me for insisting that dinner be served on time, with or without her? -- TIRED OF TARDINESS, HURON, S.D.
DEAR TIRED: Instead of wasting your time debating who is the rudest, deal with the problem proactively. Since you know your mother-in-law is always 30 to 45 minutes late, invite her to dinner an hour earlier than you want her to arrive. That should solve the dilemma.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Mom Awaits Unhappy Birthday Because of Daughter's Late Card
DEAR ABBY: I'm going to be 65 soon. Yesterday I got a call from my daughter telling me: "Sorry, I'm going to be late with your birthday card again this year. I don't have time to get one. I'm really busy. We're working on the house, and I got a new job. I'll send you one in a few weeks." My daughter knows how much I love getting cards and being remembered. However, she thinks it's funny when she says, "I got your card, but I can't find a stamp. Maybe you'll receive it sometime next year."
Are there other daughters like mine, or is she the only one? I'd like other daughters and sons to know that when your mother is gone, she's not coming back. Take a little time now, while she's alive, to show her you love her. Thanks, Abby. -- SAD MOTHER IN TEXAS
DEAR SAD MOTHER: Yes, there are other daughters and sons like yours. And you're right, life isn't a dress rehearsal. Every moment is precious.
Knowing how you feel, your daughter appears to have a warped sense of humor and to enjoy withholding what makes you happy. You have described a person who thinks the world revolves around her.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 15-year-old daughter I'll call Anna. She's a good girl and has a very casual boyfriend, who is also 15. Occasionally they get together at our house to talk.
Anna and her dad think she should be able to visit with her boyfriend upstairs in her bedroom. I feel that even though their relationship is innocent, eventually Anna will become more interested in boys. Therefore, it's a good idea that all visitors of the opposite sex be entertained in a common living area -- like the living room, family room or kitchen. Then these kids can occasionally be checked on.
Abby, please let me know your opinion. -- NOT UPSET YET
DEAR NOT UPSET YET: I agree with you. There is less temptation when everything is out in the open.
DEAR ABBY: With regard to the column you printed about the woman who wore a tongue stud while being interviewed for a job:
As a teacher, I talk to classrooms of students about how they dress and what their attire conveys to the people who see them.
I ask these students: "When you see someone dressed like a policeman, what do you think that person does? When you see someone dressed like a nurse or a doctor, what do you think that person does? If you saw someone walk into a bank with a stocking pulled over his head, what would you think? How about when you see someone wearing a business suit?" etc. Finally, I ask, "What are you trying to say to people when you dress?"
What we wear is a statement to the people around us. How we dress, tattoo, pierce, style our hair and present ourselves is an expression of who we are, and a message to the people we encounter. Do not be defensive if they react to the message you are sending. -- LEA IN MINNESOTA
DEAR LEA: You make your point very well.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
It Shouldn't Take a Broken Hip for Wife to Hear Words of Love
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 62 years to the same man. I am 84. He is 87. When he is good, he's very good. When he is bad, he is BAD. However, he's always been there when I needed him. I recently fractured my hip, and I don't know what I would have done without him.
Abby, for 62 years this husband of mine could never say, "I love you." So, now I'm lying in the hospital, and I hear this forlorn voice, "I'm lost without you. I love you." I answered, "Pardon me, sir? Who's calling?" (I had to break a hip for him to say, "I love you"!)
So, to you guys out there -- please don't wait until your wife breaks her hip. Say "I love you" now, and mean it. -- BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
DEAR BETTER LATE: I'm pleased you finally got to hear the words you longed to hear. For other wives whose husbands are mute when it comes to the subject of love, read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for all those women who complain their husbands aren't romantic enough or don't talk to them. I am married to one of those guys -- and I wouldn't trade him for all the Romeos in the world.
This is not to say we haven't had our differences -- we've had some wowzers. My man can't say "I love you" with a straight face, and he once presented me with a weed eater for my birthday.
However, he shows me that he loves me every day. When I get up in the morning, he's already made coffee for me. I never have to ask him to take out the trash -- it's already been done. He empties the dishwasher because he knows it's not my favorite chore. He makes the bed, fixes his own breakfast and feeds the dog. (It's supposed to be my dog, but she has eyes only for him, and loves him as much as I do.)
My husband digs my garden, fills my composter and keeps my car in tiptop shape. He stood beside me through the deaths of my parents and only sister. His choice of comfort words may have left a little to be desired, but without complaint he made sure I ate regular meals and gave me the space I needed to grieve.
He has provided me with every creature comfort (and then some), supported me in all the wacko hobbies I've plunged into, eaten the "strange food" I like, taken me places he never would have gone, and provided for my future should I have to face life without him. He's a terrific lover, fun to be with, and makes me laugh out loud at least once a day.
My husband has taught me patience and helped me to grow up, even though I was 36 when we married. He has yet to declare his undying love for me, and we never talk about "feelings," but he doesn't have to, Abby -- he does the deeds.
Every Valentine's Day he clears his calendar to be with me. Now, that's worth a volume of fancy words! This month we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. I only hope he knows how much I love him. Here's one woman who knows that true romance is all in how you define it. -- SANDY IN PHOENIX
DEAR SANDY: Take no chances in letting your husband know how you feel. If words won't suffice, clip this column and leave it on his pillow. From your description he is 99.44 percent perfect.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)