To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: Finding "pennies from heaven" has always been a pastime in our family, especially since Granny died three summers ago. Spotting shiny pennies in store parking lots and on the field before soccer games makes us realize that Granny is with us in spirit during those games and shopping excursions. The pennies are a comforting reminder that she is close.
A most unusual incident occurred a few days before our last holiday: I was rushing around, feeling unusually overwhelmed about getting the family ready for our big car trip. As the day wore on, I became more and more uptight. I was tired, cranky, and my shoes were suddenly too tight.
As I removed my sandals, I discovered a shiny penny wedged between my sandal strap and the top of my foot! Now really, wouldn't I have felt it there before that? And how in the world did it get there?
Methinks Granny was trying to tell me to slow down -- that everything was going to fall into place and not to let it get to me. In fact, we had a wonderful holiday, and I'm sure dear Granny was at every stop we made. -- S. KLASSEN, PRINCE ALBERT, SASKATCHEWAN, CANADA
DEAR S. KLASSEN: Your experience gives new meaning to the phrase "running into money."
DEAR ABBY: I love the penny stories. Here's mine:
Several years ago, while I was having lunch with my mother, an elderly gentleman approached our table and asked me to hold out my hand. With a questioning look, I did as he requested. He placed a shiny new penny in the palm of my hand. I smiled at him and asked why he was giving me this gift. He said that ever since he had returned safely from World War II, he has made it a habit to give every "redhead" he sees a lucky penny!
I still have it wrapped in cellophane in my jewelry box. It's one of my most treasured possessions. -- A REDHEAD IN OREGON
DEAR REDHEAD: What a lovely compliment. That veteran not only had an eye for the ladies, but he was a smooth talker as well. I salute him. (Let's trust it wasn't "G.I. jive.")
DEAR ABBY: I had two daughters, 47 and 45. My older daughter, who was dying of cancer, gave her sister a penny and asked her to keep it to remember her by when she was gone.
One day, I asked my younger daughter to come with me to pick out a car. We went to one place and then to a second one. When we approached the entrance, she found a lucky penny and put it in her wallet. Then I found a penny. Then she began to find more, and so did I. We counted them up. She had six -- I had eight.
We were so excited, we threw the pennies in our purses. We both felt that they were a sign from my deceased daughter telling us to buy the second car because it was a better deal -- which I did.
Now the pennies we collected that day are wrapped in white lace, tied with a purple ribbon and suspended from the rearview mirror of my new car. Every time I look at them, I know my daughter's spirit is with me. Pennies from heaven, indeed. -- SONIA, NORWICH, CONN.
DEAR SONIA: No kidding! Any time customers leave a car dealership with more money than they came in with -- you KNOW the pennies are from heaven.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
MAN CONFUSED BY EX-WIFE'S ANGER AT HIS DATING A 'KID'
DEAR ABBY: I am 53 and happily divorced. The reason: My wife cheated on me for years.
My question concerns a much younger woman with whom I've become involved. She is 20 years my junior, and lo and behold -- my ex-wife is hopping mad. She's accusing me of being out of my mind to be involved with a "kid" who's not that much older than our 20-something daughter.
Abby, this younger woman and I are getting serious. We have even discussed marriage. Is my ex-wife right? Am I being foolish? You know what they say -- there's no fool like an old fool. -- CONFUSED IN WEST SACRAMENTO
DEAR CONFUSED: What I say is this: Happiness is where you find it; age is a state of mind.
DEAR ABBY: I have once again consulted your wonderful "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" booklet in order to write a letter of sympathy. In it you wrote, "When a baby is stillborn, it is a traumatic experience for the parents. When friends and relatives ignore this tragedy (as many do, because 'we didn't want to bring it up for fear of making them sad'), the grieving parents feel hurt and abandoned."
Abby, this is also true when a child is placed for adoption. The decision is agonizing and the loss is profound. The mother experiences the pregnancy and birth and often bonds with her child in the limited time after birth that she has with him or her. Virtually every birth mother wants her child.
It takes courage for a woman to go through the often humiliating experience of placing her child for adoption. We mothers are not copping out or neglecting our children. We are trying to do what we think is best for our children.
I could name five families in our neighborhood who did not have the courage to do right by their children and let them go. Their children are berated and ignored and left alone to raise themselves. In the case of the more fortunate of these children, the neighbors guide the young people and show them the respect, encouragement and affection they so desperately need, and more important, deserve.
So, please, Abby, tell your readers that if they know someone who has been through the horrendous experience of losing a child, whether it be through death or adoption, they should offer their sympathy. It is a loss like no other. -- MARYLOU IN HOUSTON
DEAR MARYLOU: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the pain and loss you feel because of the sacrifice you made for the benefit of your child's future. Allowing your child to be raised by others took not only courage, but also a brutally realistic appraisal of your ability to provide for it. I salute you.
Thank you for pointing out that women who choose to allow a family to adopt their children need special support; however, for some women, the decision is a private one, and not all of them may welcome such a letter.
Readers, to purchase the booklet Marylou found helpful in writing a letter of sympathy, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
CIVILITY IN CHILDREN'S PRESENCE HELPS LESSEN PAIN OF DIVORCE
DEAR ABBY: While shopping at a mini-market last Sunday, I witnessed a scene that is re-enacted thousands of times every weekend throughout the country: the exchange of children by couples who are separated or divorced.
The ritual may go quietly unnoticed; however, this particular couple argued, shouted obscenities, drove recklessly, and made a public spectacle of themselves while their three children sat in one car -- and a "significant other" sat in the other.
I am a divorced, single parent. I know firsthand the pain of a failing relationship and ensuing separation or divorce. These situations bring up feelings I would not wish on my worst enemy. Certainly, I would never wish them on my children.
When couples meet to exchange their children, they should put themselves in their kids' shoes. They should ask themselves how they would feel if their parents were saying terrible things to each other in loud, angry voices -- with strangers looking on.
Conversations should be courteous and kept to a minimum. Longer, more detailed conversations can be carried on later, when little ears aren't present. (Children should feel free to love both parents in their own ways and be left out of the particulars.)
Moms and dads should ask themselves ahead of time why the new boyfriend or girlfriend needs to be there. Estranged men and women do not need more fuel for their fires. Children have enough trouble trying to adjust to their new living arrangements without being faced with another wrinkle in the fabric of their lives. And the estranged couple doesn't need another reminder of how far apart they've grown.
A failed marriage doesn't mean the husband and the wife were bad people. However, the high emotions sometimes cause them to say regrettable things. Long after the adults have moved on with their lives, their children will be trying to solve the mystery of their parents' divorce. They don't need more bad memories. Divorced or estranged parents should always put their children's feelings first. -- CARING FOR THE KIDS IN FELTON, PA.
DEAR CARING: I agree. To do anything less is hurtful, immature and potentially damaging to the children. They deserve better.
DEAR ABBY: As the parent of a young musician who recently received a master's degree in music, I was appalled at your advice to the person who inquired about gift-giving at a "senior recital."
Your suggestion to take a photograph during the recital was the worst possible advice! Take it from me, there is NO WAY to snap a photo without disturbing the performer. Any disturbance could create a break in concentration, causing the musician to make a mistake. After months of preparation, performers deserve the best possible conditions for their performance.
Such recitals are required for music degree candidates in college, but only the most serious high school students are dedicated enough to give a senior recital. They usually spend a year preparing their repertoire. These recitals are NOT gift-giving occasions, but a learning experience for the students and a time to share their talents with families and friends. Gifts are not expected, but a small bouquet of flowers before or after the event would be appropriate. -- MOTHER OF A MUSICIAN
DEAR MOTHER: I stand corrected. You're not the only reader who said my answer struck a sour note.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)