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Parents Can't Hold Their Tongue After Daughter Pierces Hers
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Lynn," is 19, attends college full time and comes home every day for meals and to do her homework. She earns good grades, works part time at school, and reimburses us for her excessive telephone calls.
Our problem is she refuses to listen to us when we encourage her to pick quality friends. We think her college friends are weird. They look disreputable with their tattoos and dirty clothes. Lynn says that she is legally an adult now, and she can see whom she wants.
Also, without consulting us, Lynn recently had her tongue pierced. She knew we would not approve. We think it looks stupid and it impedes her speech.
Abby, our daughter simply will not listen to us. She has big ideas about what she wants to do in the future. We have told her we will stand by her, but the truth is, she is doing everything she can do to retard her success in the world.
What should we do about our daughter? -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN NORTH JERSEY
DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: Don't do a thing. Concentrate on what your daughter IS accomplishing:
She is attending college, which means she is going to be able to get a job when she graduates and support herself. (Provided she goes to the interview in clean business clothes, sans the tongue stud.)
She comes home every day, which means that you aren't worrying about her whereabouts.
She is working part time, which means that she does not totally rely on you for support.
She pays for her own "excessive" telephone calls.
I urge you not to squelch Lynn's "big ideas." Those are her dreams. Who's to say she might not attain them? Your daughter will outgrow the piercing and rebellion as she matures. (As will her friends.) Have patience.
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman who recently moved to an upscale South Florida neighborhood. I noticed that the two women who live across the street frequently throw parties –- baby showers, graduation parties, etc. They invite everyone in the neighborhood except my nice, married next-door neighbor. She has not been invited to a single party since I've been here.
She knows there are parties, because the hostesses tie balloons to their mailboxes with messages such as "Happy Graduation," "It's a party!" or whatever. It's not as if she doesn't know the neighbors. She's lived here for five years. The neighbors always speak to her on the street, she says.
I suspect the reason she is being excluded is because she is extremely attractive. You can tell she works out a lot. The neighbors who snub her both have weight problems and short, unattractive haircuts. My friend next door has lovely, long, thick hair.
Do you think these women are trying to keep her away from their husbands? Are they insecure, envious or rude -– or perhaps all three? -- PUZZLED IN PARADISE
DEAR PUZZLED: You have hit the nail on the head when you questioned whether the hostesses could be insecure. However, neither your friend nor the hostesses have asked for my advice. Since I know none of the parties involved in the scenario, the better part of wisdom is to add no more grist to the rumor mill.
Although you are concerned for the feelings of your attractive neighbor, let your neighbors resolve their problems without involving yourself.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
WIFE DISCOVERS THAT SEX IS ABOUT LOVE, NOT ENTERTAINMENT
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this because of letters and surveys I have seen that indicate a large percentage of American women lack interest in sex. I hope my experience will help other wives.
My husband has always been a generous and thoughtful lover. However, my lack of interest in sex for more than 10 years caused much sorrow and frustration. Once I told my husband I would give him a divorce if it weren't for our children. He said he never wanted to hear that again -– he loved me and wasn't going anywhere. Though that was incredibly reassuring, my difficulties with sex continued. I sought counseling, but although I realized some of my problem resulted from unwise earlier sexual relationships and issues with my parents, nothing changed for the better. In my bitterness, I could never call sex "making love."
Then one day in passing, I heard the comment, "Sex isn't entertainment."
"Well, what is it then?" I wondered. It came to me that sex then must be about love and giving, cherishing and adoring another person, and the other person also giving, cherishing and adoring in return -– a supreme representation of unconditional love given exclusively between two people. This understanding changed everything.
The next time my husband and I had sex, I thought about how much I cared about him, all the many loving things he did for me, and tried to give myself in cherishing and adoring him. It was an amazing, healing and transcendent experience unlike anything I had experienced. It was making love for the first time.
Energy I never knew I had emerged and I "made love" three more times that weekend with my amazed but grateful husband. I have gone from dreading sex to realizing I would miss it if I lost my husband. Although at times I need to remind myself what I have learned, I feel reborn to my marriage and able to love my husband more deeply –- which is true joy. I am so grateful.
One more observation: Since my new outlook more than a year ago, I truly believe the casual and graphic way sex is portrayed on television and movies cheapens it and encourages an attitude that definitely made my difficulties much worse. The use of sex -- or violence, for that matter -- by the media for ratings or money causes much distorted thinking and needless pain in many people. -– A READER IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR READER: You have written a terrific letter. Somewhere down the line, many people have stopped regarding sex as communication and adopted the idea that it was recreation -– or even sport. What was lost in the translation was intimacy and, in many cases, fidelity.
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I dated a man who gave me a family heirloom as a gift. We went our separate ways on very good terms, and he never asked for it back. This gift has always been very special to me because it was made by his grandfather and had been given to his mother. Eventually I married someone else and so did he.
I recently learned that this man has died. I don't know if I should give this heirloom to his widow. Some of my friends say that if he wanted it back he would have asked for it. Others say I should return it to his widow. Your thoughts, please. –- SUSAN IN CHESTERFIELD, VA.
DEAR SUSAN: You seem like a lovely lady. The item was given as a gift and it legally belongs to you. You are under no obligation to return it. However, since you think it might have sentimental value to the widow or their children, it would be a kindness to offer it to them.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Family Political Debate Opens Chasm Between Daughter, Mom
DEAR ABBY: At our Halloween party last year, which included both parents and children, my brother and I somewhat jokingly debated the two presidential candidates. My brother was for Bush. I was for Gore.
Sometime during the evening, my then 11-year-old daughter asked me why her uncle was for Bush and I was for Gore. I explained why I was for Gore and gave her four or five reasons. She asked again why her uncle was for Bush. I told her to go ask him.
During the merriment of the evening, I forgot about the subject until we were on the way home and my daughter asked me how I could think that killing a little baby was OK. I was speechless! I asked her where she had gotten such an idea. She said her uncle had told her that Gore thought it was OK to kill babies, and if I was voting for him, so did I. I tried to explain about a woman's right to choose -- and that I DO think a woman should have that choice, but I was so shocked I hardly knew how to defend myself.
It has been nearly a year now. Ever since that night my daughter has been very distant toward me. I have tried to talk to her about it several times, but she refuses to discuss it.
I'm at my wit's end. My daughter is now 12 and our closeness has been destroyed. I found out her class made Mother's Day cards, but my daughter never gave hers to me. There are no more hugs and kisses at bedtime -- just "good night."
What can I do? I love my daughter with all my heart. I'd give anything to have her the way she was before. -- DESTROYED MOTHER IN DALLAS
DEAR DESTROYED MOTHER: Sit your daughter down and tell her that the subject of a woman's right to choose is a controversial one, and that it is OK if she disagrees with you about it. It's a topic about which everyone has to make up her (or his) own mind. Her uncle thinks the way he does, and you love him in spite of it.
Explain that you are not in favor of killing babies, but that you feel it is important for a woman to have the right to choose. Some women's lives have been saved because they were legally empowered to make that choice. It wasn't always the case.
Tell her that as she grows older, you want her to examine her reasons for feeling the way she does about this subject -- but you also want her to be open to different points of view, because there are more than one, and people have a right to their own opinions. It may not heal the breach your brother has caused, but it's a beginning.
And finally, I urge you to talk to your daughter's uncle about this entire situation. He could help a great deal by reinforcing what you have said -- and he should. He was out of line from the beginning for having given your daughter his inflammatory answer to her question.
DEAR ABBY: I burst into tears at my kitchen table when I read the "Father's Day" poem written by the four Phoenix teen-agers to their single-parent mom. It was called, "To Father on Her Special Day."
Their words made me feel recognized, honored and affirmed. Even though the world often tells me otherwise, raising and loving my two children, who are now 11 and 20, with the help of friends and family, is the most important work in my life.
Abby, I would like to remind your readers that there are also single dads out there doing their best for their kids.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for printing that poem. -- SINGLE MOM STILL ON THE JOURNEY
DEAR MOM: You're welcome. And you're absolutely right -- there ARE many dedicated single fathers who are also "doing their best" for their kids -- with great results.
Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)